“We need to talk about it!”
“Isn’t that what we’re doing right now?”
Stella rolled her eyes. “Are you even listening? We need to talk about this or it’s going to become a real problem for us.”
Stella’s partner Jed could feel the frustration boiling.
“But, we’re here, right now talking about it.” He turned to face her on the couch. “I don’t get what you want me to say!?”
Jed took a deep breath, attempting to keep his voice calm. “I’m sorry, Stella, I’m trying to understand. You want to talk about it, but I thought that’s what we’ve been doing for the past half hour.”
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Stella and Jed have a communication problem, but it’s not a lack of communication.
They talk often. No topic is off limits. They face their problems head on and, in fact, spend several nights every week discussing issues with their relationship.
But before we look into Stella and Jed’s case, let’s consider another common communication dilemma earlier in relationships.
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In a Facebook group recently I came across a conversation about early dating and communication. One woman mentioned her new man hadn’t messaged her for the whole day.
Several other daters told her that wasn’t okay — couples should message each other at least twice a day.
“I feel like it’s a big red flag,” the original woman said. “Normally he messages all day. All the time!”
She felt like he’d lost interest, had found someone else, or was ghosting her.
Her date worked a full-time job and they’d been seeing each other for a few months. Is texting all day, every day really sustainable in a relationship long-term?
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One is just as bad as the other
Both of our couples above have fallen into a pattern of over-communicating. In a relationship, over-communicating can be just as harmful as under-communicating.
Here’s 3 reasons why:
1. Chasing your tail
Too much communication about the same thing in the same way, over and over again, can lead to big arguments.
69% of a couples problems are perpetual according to the Gottman Institute.
“These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again.” — Gottman Institute Blog
We need to realize that some issues are unsolvable, no matter how often we talk about it. Perhaps that’s what Jed and Stella had with the issue they were discussing?
Sometimes, you just have to agree to disagree.
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2. Drowning in words
Telling your partner about every problem, feeling, and thought puts a lot of pressure on them. We need a bigger support network than just our romantic partner.
Our all day texters could benefit from some other people to talk to. There are times when one person is busy and it’s just not healthy to expect 24/7 availability from your partner.
As for problems in our relationships, it’s important we’re careful how we discuss them.
Often when one person chronically over-communicates — especially if they’re an emotionally expressive person — it leads to the other partner shutting down or saying something they didn’t mean in an attempt to end the conversation.
Stella wanted to keep talking about their issue, but after 30 minutes Jed was beginning to experience physical frustration.
Neither of them felt heard.
One person can feel a physical response in their body — like fight or flight — and when that happens, conversation becomes pointless.
The Gottman Institute, relationship researchers, call this flooding.
When conversations go on or get very emotional, one person can feel a physical response in their body — like fight or flight —and when that happens, conversation becomes pointless.
That’s the time to walk away and have a break — it’s not the time to talk louder. It’s especially not the time to say, “Are you listening?”
They’re listening, they just can’t hear anymore.
“People get emotionally drained when they get to a point of silence or ignoring each other — and it has little to do with communication skills,” says relationship therapist Avrum Nadigel, author of the book Learning to Commit.
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3. No space for me
Some people need more alone time than others.
Introverts, particularly, need hours of silence to recharge and process their thoughts.
There are some theories that information is processed in an introvert’s brain using different, longer pathways than in an extrovert’s brain. They are often deep thinkers and need more time to reflect, especially when there’s a lot to think about.
When one partner is overcommunicating, they’re not respecting the other’s need to sit with their own thoughts and emotions.
All day texting might be fine at the start of a relationship, but soon one person will find it too much — especially if they’re an introvert or have a busy life.
A day without texting might not be a sign they’re ghosting you, it might be a sign you need to check your patterns of communication.
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Over-communicating can be an easy pattern to slip into, especially if we believe that good communication means lots of communication!
Sometimes, less is more.
- It gives each partner time to process their own thoughts and emotions.
- It allows us to productively discuss solvable issues and accept we’ll have differences we can’t resolve.
- It helps us prevent flooding and give space when it’s needed.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
