3 Ways to Put the Sizzle Back in Your Marriage

You sport a mom bun daily, and you’re still his princess. He loves you regardless of your wrinkles or acne. He’s totally fine with the fact that you wear sweats more than heels or that the scale has inched its way upwards over the years.

This unconditional love and acceptance are only a few wonderful aspects of a long-term relationship. After all, feeling comfortable being who you are and “letting it all hang out” offer both a sense of peace and security.

However, the truth is “who you are” is much more than mom buns, wrinkles, and a few extra pounds. After all, something about you dazzled him when your relationship first began, and if you’re like me, you’re feeling like you and your lover could benefit from a bit more sizzle in the romance department.

Well, getting that spark back means you’ll have to make some changes. Here are a few that do the trick.

Make your appearance a priority.

Maybe you’re a no-makeup gal. Then again, perhaps you’re a full-blown makeup junkie like me. Regardless of your preference, caring for your skin is critical to looking and feeling your best. It can make you appear glowing and younger and help correct and prevent pesky skin issues that take a chunk out of your self-esteem.

For example, retinols offer skin benefits such as younger-looking skin and a reduction in acne. Vitamin C increases collagen production and decreases hyperpigmentation. Even simple things like daily use of moisturizer and regular exfoliation go a long way toward giving your appearance a healthier, more vibrant look.

So how do using these things work to “up the heat level” in your relationship? First, they can improve your looks, and though your lover may not be able to pinpoint exactly what’s different about you, chances are he’ll notice a positive change. However, the ironic thing about self-care is that it’s mostly about lighting your fire — not his. For example, when you take care of yourself, you feel more confident, and there’s nothing sexier than that.

Up the ambiance.

There’s this scene with Ashley Judd in the movie Kiss the Girls. She’s cutting up vegetables with a glass of wine in her hand and sultry jazz playing in the background. As I watched that scene, I realized I wanted (and needed) more of that ambiance in my home. Maybe you do too.

The environment we live in creates an emotional undertone, which is why you should work to create a calming, romantic setting in which to interact with your partner.

For example, Science Direct comments on the power of ambiance in a setting. They state:

“The quality of indoor environments has been shown to impact human well-being by affecting people’s mood as well as their mental health.”

So how can we promote an environment that soothes the nerves and ups the passion potential?

Focus on lighting. Dimmer switches on lights, candlelight, and firelight all increase relaxation and serenity.
Focus on smell. People have used lavender oil for centuries because it promotes relaxation and calm. Luckily, all it takes to stimulate this feeling of tranquility is to use diffusers or candles containing this essential oil or other oils known to induce tranquility or heighten arousal. For example, scents such as rose and chamomile also alleviate stress and enhance mood, while scents such as sandalwood, ylang-ylang, patchouli, and rose increase arousal levels.
Focus on sound. You and your partner’s preferences will determine what sounds and songs work as aphrodisiacs. Some people prefer country music. Others like classical or jazz. Whatever sounds nourish your spirit, lower your stress level, or set your soul on fire is an excellent direction to start. As for me, I often like nature sounds, such as ocean waves or a thunderstorm, to loosen me up. The point is it’s all about you.

“Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and life to everything.” — Plato

Switch things up.

I know you’re tired after work. I know there are errands to run, kids to take care of, or after-hour job responsibilities you need to complete. Because of these things, it’s likely all you can think about on the way home is fuzzy pajamas and Netflix. And the same desires may extend to the weekend.

However, when the most exciting thing you and your partner do is figure out what to have for dinner, it’s time to spice things up.

Find new and different ways to reconnect. Wait until the weekend if you have to, but to bring back the passion, it’s critical you do something out of the norm. If you don’t believe me, believe science.

“Research shows that new experiences elicit a high level of neurotransmitter activity in the brain. When you engage in new experiences with your partner, feelings similar to those you both experienced when you were initially dating can become activated.” — Dr. Brian Gersho

Start by researching things happening in your area, or if you’re really motivated, head outside your city limits. There are tons of festivals, museums, and other attractions for you and your partner to enjoy.

For example, I live in a small town and still found an Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy in the area, where Poe historians recount the author’s stories, handing out a special cocktail for each. I haven’t attended yet, but I can’t wait. My husband isn’t necessarily a fan, but I know the novelty of the evening will add excitement to our relationship. For instance, the adrenaline rush is already happening for me, and it’s still three weeks until the event.

In addition, while it’s great to hit the town, you can also do many fun things together without leaving your home. In-home or out, here are a few ideas you might want to consider.

Things to do outside your home

Head to a karaoke bar, comedy club, or play.
Go camping and stargaze while sitting by a cracking fire.
Take a cooking class together.
Go to an amusement park.
Go to trivia nights at bars or restaurants.
Find an escape room and see if your teamwork helps you break free.
Try out a festival in your area.
Go for a wine tasting.

Things to do inside your home

Have a spa night. Light some candles, put on some mood music, and give each other facials and massages while snacking and sipping your favorite drinks.
Have a game night. Play cards, buy a fun board game, or compete against others in an online game.
Plan your own cooking competition. Pick three to five required ingredients and see who can make a tastier dish.
Search out reviews for great new series on television. Then pop some popcorn and binge-watch together.
Have fun taking personality or other quizzes, such as the famous Love Language quiz. Here’s a site that shows you other popular ones. In addition, there’s a 36 question quiz designed to increase closeness. While some of these quizzes may be just for fun, you’ll have a blast just getting to know your partner better.

The bottom line:

Sam Levenson states:

“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.”

A happy marriage means you’ve been privileged enough to experience this miracle. However, you’re also probably aware that “looking at each other for a lifetime” is always picture-perfect. It’s not always candles and roses. It isn’t nights where you’re all made-up, and he’s dressed to the nines.

As a matter of fact, it’s the exact opposite.

It’s those moments when you’re cleaning the toilet in your mom bun, and your husband smiles and says, “How did I get so lucky?” It’s those times when you throw up, and he holds your hair back. It’s those beautiful, beautiful occasions when you’re at your worst, and you can look in his eyes and tell you’re still his Cinderella.

However, it’s important to remember that miracles such as successful marriages should be cherished. With a few special, extremely easy things, you help honor that gift.

Peace. Pleasure. Passion.

You deserve each of those things in your marriage. So does your partner.

So, find a way to sprinkle as much of these things as possible into your precious love story. I promise you that you’ll be happy you did.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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