4 Clear Signs Your Partner Is Codependent — and What to Do About It

Some people call someone with codependent behavior something toxic — but it’s more than that.

Relationships are complex. And people make mistakes all the time.

Each of us has the chance to be codependent, or even that one personality trait many avoid, which is narcissism.

My point is that just because someone you’re dating has codependency behavior, it doesn’t mean you should run away and cut ties.

There’s nothing wrong with giving someone a chance — provided that someone’s aware of his/her issues and wants to work on them.

Here are the signs you’re dating someone with codependency behavior:

1. They have very low self-esteem and rely on your compliments all the time.

As someone who used to have low self-esteem, my past relationships were full of me trying to get approval from whoever I dated. I only felt good when they complimented me or told me I was enough.

People with codependency behavior consider their partner’s opinion of them more important than the way they see themselves. They don’t have a sense of contentment yet coming from within because, well, they just can’t see it yet.

That’s why it’s no surprise their whole self-worth depends on their partner.

You might hear them say they don’t feel like they aren’t enough or are insecure. And suddenly, it all disappears once their partner gives them compliments.

While the impact is not so fast, eventually, when nothing changes, their partner would feel mentally drained from trying to fill their cup.

2. They put your needs (and others) first before theirs

In my early 20s, I used to change so much about myself depending on who I dated.

This is hard and embarrassing to admit. However, I know being vulnerable and open about my past might help others feel less alone.

I did more than just change my music taste to match my then-boyfriend. Instead, I changed everything, from small decisions to big ones like money and education.

But that’s just the dark truth of someone with codependency behavior.

They revolve their lives around someone (anyone) so much because they don’t believe in themselves — just yet.

As a result, they don’t care enough about their needs. It’s all about whether their partner feels happy or not by being with them.

That will keep happening until they either a.) got heartbroken real bad or b.) got a “wake-up call”.

Either way, it will make them realize their self-destructive behavior. If they’re surrounded by good people, they might be able to rebuild their life again and be in so much better place mentally.

3. They always fear you’re going to leave them or find someone better

When you’re dating someone with codependency behavior, you’ll hear from them a lot that they’re scared to be left alone. As they already made you their whole world, it’s scary for them to think you’re gone.

This is a huge problem because it puts emotional pressure on you — without you even realizing it. No one wants to be with someone desperate.

Sure, it’s a nice feeling to be needed. But what if they’re in this mental state where they can’t do things unless you’re with them? It’s too much to handle.

Too many insecurities also can be a turn-off.

Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way. The more you “beg” someone to stay, the more you’ll push them away.

4. They are emotionally unstable most time

With low self-esteem and a hard time feeling secure in the relationship, they’ll likely be unstable most times.

They can also be controlling and demanding. Depending on your tolerance limit, you should also, on the other hand, have boundaries.

It’s OK to console them often and shower them with compliments. But also remember that it’s not your job to fix it.

It’s tempting to go and work on our partner’s issues. But it only means we’re taking away their responsibility.

It’s an adult relationship, and in no way you’re responsible for all their problems.

So, as much as you love them, set some boundaries to how much you can help. The last thing you want to happen is get drowned in your partner’s insecurities and stuck in a toxic relationship.

OK, so your partner is clearly a codependent. What should you do?

The best thing you can do when you date someone with a deep codependency issue is: first, acknowledge that it’s there.

Avoid trying to change them according to your expectations. If there’s a change, it should come from their end.

I know it sounds so repetitive. Perhaps, you’ve heard this a hundred times, but you can never change someone’s behavior in the name of “love”.

It doesn’t and will never work that way. Trust me, I’ve been there. What would happen was more disappointments and heartbreaks.

The second thing you can do is to encourage them to take more time for themselves. If needed, schedule the time. Make sure they explore/do things outside of the relationship.

It’s important to give that space (even if they don’t want to take it). That’s the only way they can be more independent and notice there’s a bigger world out there than just the relationship.

After all, no one’s perfect.

If you have a strong feeling that they want to be a better person and actually see them working on it, I don’t see why not stick around for the long run.

Some people do want to change. And sometimes, all you need to do is to give them a chance.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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