4 Crucial Values That Make a Woman an Ideal Partner

A lot of guys do all the right things with the wrong women.

But they get into relationships with women based on superficial qualities — whether that’s how they initially feel about them, how they look, or what they hope the woman will become later on.

And this doesn’t make one person more at fault than the other.

Often, there’s just a mismatch in compatibility.

However, I’ve made the mistake (on multiple occasions) of basing one of my most important life decisions on a whim. Then I paid for it.

Heartbreak
Low self-esteem or self-worth
Loss, loneliness

Even though pain taught me to be more selective, I still made mistakes.

The issue was that I ‘made her fit’ to my standards in my head. I still convinced myself that what seemed ‘good on paper’ and how I felt were the most important qualities that make a woman the right one for me.

This mental checklist was flawed, so I wrote down four vital filters that aim to address general behaviors rather than inflexible traits or “green flags” that can vary and differ from one person to another.

This isn’t a perfect system either, but it has helped me let go of people early on when dating who weren’t the right fit.

1. Romantic and sexual compatibility

Sex isn’t everything but it’s still pretty damn important.

Anyone who says sex isn’t important is likely:

In denial or unaware of how it plays a role in healthy relationships
An avoidant who wants the benefit of a relationship without committing to the deeper aspects of it
Convincing themselves (or you) that sex is taboo or immoral

While this is nothing new, most men want to be with the type of woman that they find attractive. Which obviously varies from for everyone. But physical attraction isn’t enough to determine long-term compatibility.

Because eventually, you’ll get used to someone’s looks.

Try to determine her level of comfort with intimacy (sexual and physical).

How does she feel about exclusivity? Relationship type?

Is sex and romance just a means to an end or is it about savoring the time together?

Can you move quickly with her, or does it need to be slower?

I know we’ve heard these kinds of things before, and it’s all a no-brainer, but most people don’t actually take the time to think about all this.

But whatever the answer is, if values aren’t aligned or it doesn’t feel right, you might as well skip the rest of this and move on.

2. She genuinely wants to be a partner and in a relationship

I know men often get a bad reputation for being commitment-phobic or for dragging things out, but non-committal behavior isn’t exclusive to men.

I’ve personally noticed in my own life, that dating gets used for:

Rebounding
Validation
Entertainment

Women can be just as wishy-washy and reluctant to be in relationships as a man can be. (As explained by attachment theory)

But men can make assumptions that just because the woman they’re dating is ‘with them,’ she intends to be a partner to him or that her default is ‘open to commitment.’

Regardless of gender, just showing up (physically) isn’t enough proof that they intend for anything serious or long-term. A lot of the time, people want to be around for the fun parts but hesitate to commit or simply peace out when things get less enjoyable.

It’s a mindset of something for nothing.

Red flags this is happening:

Never plans dates or goes out of her way to include you in her life
Her communication is inconsistent and unreliable
She only wants to see you when it’s convenient for her

Focus on what she does and pay attention to how it makes you feel.

Be mindful of what they say, because many people may want things like marriage, commitment, children, or a life together, but few are willing to put in the work to get what they want.

Because it doesn’t take much energy to want something, but doing is harder.

3. She shares similar core values

Having shared core values is great, but again, let’s reiterate. You and she could both share these values: desiring children, getting married, or practicing the same religion. Whatever else it might be.

But the question is, does she want to have children with you?

To her (or you) is marriage simply something to ‘check off?’

Will similar religious beliefs truly offer long-term compatibility?

A lot of these filters will overlap or intersect. And often, are dependent on each other.

But you have to keep it in mind.

Is her concept of loyalty or partnership dependent on certain conditions or is it ‘weatherproof’ (‘fair-weather’ partner)?
What’s her attachment style? Secure? Anxious? Avoidant?
How does she view partnership or dating?

What we ‘think’ are vital, core values like religion, marriage, children, career, and all that are more superficial than we think.

Because those things can change, and what may look good on paper isn’t always enough. If someone doesn’t care enough to make a relationship work, none of those things make a difference even if they all align.

For example, I never wanted to have kids with my ex, and she didn’t want children either. We were both fairly irreligious, and we enjoyed the idea of getting married and spending life together.

She seemed like the right girl for me, but when it came time to managing the logistics and the fundamentals of relationship maintenance, our values were not aligned there.

And no amount of similarity in other values could have changed the fate of that relationship.

You can easily match superficial traits and core values. Why else are there so many different online dating sites that cater to specific niches?

4. Their partner is accountable, self-aware, and values growth

I have to admit, one of my least concerns is whether or not the person I’m seeing is working on herself. Because it’s a pretty subjective term, and what one person considers growth might not be true for another.

And relationships aren’t necessarily all about growth. Plus, just because someone is working on themselves, does not automatically make them ideal candidates for relationships.

We also have to realize, that the average person rarely does a whole lot to work on themselves.

Or if we consider improvement as continued education, fitness, or spiritual growth, these things are secondary to things that make relationships work.

So, what I look for is accountability. And a level of self-awareness to match that. As men, we’re not looking for rationalizations, excuses, or justifications in our relationships.

At the end of the day, what matters most is effort without blame.

Regardless of gender, I’ve seen how the blame game and keeping score have ruined enough relationships to make me disinterested in any more of that.

To me, the right woman will say, “I’m sorry I messed up, what can I do to make things right again?”

A few final thoughts,

We just discussed what makes the ideal woman, but this can vary from person to person. As a reminder, incompatible people aren’t bad or toxic (though they certainly could be), they’re just not the right fit.

And so, the perfect partner doesn’t exist. You can search your entire life in vain and never find one, because there will always be some kind of flaw you can point to.

For, I created a quick, 9-page pdf on cultivating awareness and setting boundaries that you can download here.

However, here’s the challenge. The twist in all this. Stop looking for someone else to fit through your filter, and start being someone you’d want to date.

Don’t wait around, be the boyfriend or husband she’d want to be with.

…

Subscribe to my Substack for greater depth into the psychology behind relationships, letting go, personal growth, and writing strategies.

For weekly content, follow me here on Medium.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***