My longest relationship was with my ex-husband, as we were together for 14 years.
What I learned, after having had a few relationships, is that choosing a partner can be a very important act of self-care, specially for a woman.
Because of the level of closeness and intimacy we share, the quality of our love relationships can directly impact the quality of our lives.
They can easily influence our mindset and emotional state, and they are also our support and day-to-day teammates.
Since I have a young child, choosing a partner also becomes choosing a stepfather for him.
Aspect #1 — how he handles stress and problems
It’s easier to have harmony and compatibility during good times. However, life can present us with challenging times, and through such moments our relationships can be tested.
Some would say that one way is to travel together and see how each other reacts whenever we encounter adversity.
How does the other person handle stressful moments?
Do they immediately react negatively, and even intensively, when they feel frustrated with a situation?
Do they turn to you to solve things together, or against you?
How would they act, if you talk about a problem you’re having, especially with them?
Once, I shared how I wished to have more cuddling time with an ex-partner. It was a very sweet, beautiful moment and he said he would love it too. But when we met the next time, his energy was heavy and silent. After asking him if everything was alright, he explained how upset he was that we couldn’t have privacy at my place, since I was having a friend over. At that time, he didn’t have his own place and I was struggling to have proper boundaries with a friend I took in temporarily.
Instead of having a mutual understanding of each other’s limited circumstances, and having a healthy discussion about possible solutions, he turned me into an adversary responsible for the situation.
Having experienced having partners who would simply take matters into their own hands and assertively solve the issues, I was really surprised at how he reacted to the situation.
“Let’s do this and this and this. Don’t worry about it.” — this can be a real turn-on expression from a masculine man
We can all go through stressful moments. The difference between making it fun and solving it together as a team, and getting reactive and working against each other, can make a huge difference when it comes to life partners.
Even though that ex looked good on paper, and he wanted to advance our relationship, I couldn’t do it. I tried to overlook that incident, but this pattern of working against each other happened a few more times. In the end, it proved how we should not ignore red flags when they come up for the first time.
Aspect #2 — relational understanding and skills
Men and women are biologically and socially wired differently.
For example, the symptoms of a heart attack differ between men and women. Our hormonal system is also wired very differently.
After having consumed many learning materials, and having experienced it myself in relationships, I came to realize how being aware and honoring gender differences can have a strong impact on the quality of our relationships.
It’s important to acknowledge our equal rights, but it’s also important to understand our differences, especially if we want to keep the attraction and the polarity between the masculine and feminine essences in relationships.
For example, being with a man who is aware and understanding of the emotional and physical variations throughout the menstruation cycle can make our lives easier.
Understanding that men have a higher tendency to go to their caves to recharge or why they immediately jump into problem-solving mode helps us not take it as a potential relationship issue.
Some of the best reading materials I could find were the books “The Female Brain” and “The Male Brain” by Dr. Louann Brizendine.
As someone who resonates much more with the feminine essence, I find it most mutually fulfilling when I’m with a masculine man, especially when he can understand and accept our differences.
Finding someone with whom our masculine-feminine essences are compatible can make a huge difference when it comes to attraction.
For example, I love how a very masculine man often takes the lead that my brain could be turned off. Masculine men often love doing it and feeling appreciated when they can see a feminine woman enjoying what they provide. On the other hand, someone with different values might question why men have to even assume the lead.
There’s no ultimate right or wrong. At the end of the day, it’s all a matter of what works for each couple. And yet being aware of which essence we identify with, and what each other might need, can lead to more mutually satisfying relationships.
Aspect #3 — purpose, financial and lifestyle stability
After learning a lot about relationships and having experienced them in real life, I came to have more understanding of how stability can affect a man’s capacity to show up in a relationship.
Masculine men tend to focus intensively on their purpose, and they often need a supportive partner who can understand this. Because of their natural drive to provide and protect, not having their own financial stability can make them feel less ready to assume any serious commitment.
In the initial stage of dating, it’s also important to take some time to know how compatible we are and how much we care for each other.
When a man is too busy because he has to sort many things out, he might not be able to invest enough time and dedication to develop the connection, which makes it harder to understand if we are really compatible.
Once, I was dating a single father who had to sort out his new job, child custody and finding a new living place all at the same time. When a really important issue appeared in the relationship, he couldn’t find enough time to properly discuss it.
I couldn’t tell if we would be able to solve this compatibility issue, and I didn’t have enough time to see if we would be a good match, since he had to focus on solving other pressing matters.
Without feeling secure, I couldn’t accept advancing our relationship to the next level. Besides, I wouldn’t feel comfortable if I’m not sure if he wanted to do so because he felt ready or just out of convenience (like sharing rent if we live together).
Aspect #4 — showing care for you, and the capacity to do so
If you were to communicate an important need you have that is not being met in the relationship, how would he handle it?
Would he make the effort to meet where you’re at, even if he couldn’t understand or agree with that need?
With the single father, I tried to communicate an important need I had that was not being met. Not only he couldn’t understand why it was important to me, but he also said that I was overthinking it.
Being in a relationship means considering each other’s needs, even if we don’t always relate to or understand them. The least we could do for each other is to be respectful and understand that unmet needs can affect them emotionally.
When someone can’t be kind or considerate toward us, the connection cannot flourish. It feels as if we can’t count on the other person, since their understanding, acceptance, or willingness to meet us where we are only depends on whether they understand or approve of our needs.
When someone makes an effort to make us happy, it makes us feel truly valued and cared for.
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Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.
If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:
How to Have Boundaries that Really Works in Relationships
3 Feminine Principles That Improved My Relationships
4 Important Aspects That Changes Our Perception On Relationships
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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