Have you ever felt the need to escape and work through the relationship issues you battle isolated and alone?
Overwhelmed by emotions, do you notice yourself shutting down or wanting to disassociate with troubling emotions?
Guess what?
You’re not alone.
While many factors determine how you show up in relationships, there is none more important than understanding your attachment style.
I focus on the dismissive avoidant attachment style because I am also transforming and love sharing my knowledge as I go through a journey that, I hope, after reading my articles, influences you to begin as well!
It can be difficult to acknowledge your attachment style because you view it as having a problem controlling your emotions.
The truth is your attachment style is behavioral; it formed long before you had any control over it.
Reading this article will give you insight into managing your behaviors while creating a system to beat your emotions when you feel triggered.
…
Get pissed off
I am joking when I say get pissed off but seriously, acknowledge your emotions.
Dismissive avoidants get overwhelmed by the weight of emotions, so you try your hardest to disassociate as quickly as possible.
I know the feeling.
An event or person makes you upset, but instead of recognizing the emotion, you shut down and feel guilty for allowing something so small and petty to hurt you.
You are creating a snowball for disaster.
Vulnerability is a troubling feeling for you as a dismissive avoidant. Others feel empowered and heard when they are vulnerable, but you feel weak.
Since you are inclined to look internally to resolve issues, you don’t realize that the “I am weak” defect is only your image in the mirror.
…
Get the pen and paper
I am taking you back to middle school with this one.
Writing in a journal is the best way to get your emotions out as a dismissive avoidant. Since you struggle to express, getting them on paper will alleviate that need to shut down and disassociate.
I know, scroll past; having a journal is lame. It’s so obvious.
The truth is, most dismissive avoidants won’t do this.
You struggle with confusion as a dismissive avoidant. Part of your brain wants to attack the issue, while the other half wants to dismiss it.
Getting your thoughts on paper will give you a view of how you felt when the triggering situation arose. Then, as you work through a solution, you will visualize how you progressed through your feelings.
…
Remove the word you
Remove the word, you.
Go through your journal entry and get rid of the word you anywhere you see it. Dismissive avoidants struggle with criticisms. In return, you cannot do this to your partner.
Removing those recurring shifts in blame will accomplish two things.
- It will help you identify your reactions and help you find the core of the issue.
- It will create an avenue to work as a team or as an individual to find a solution.
For example, “It made me angry when you went out with friends instead of spending time with me.”
I know the sentence loses structure when you take the word out. However, you will be able to get to the root of your emotions.
You felt alone.
You can use this to create a constructive team-oriented solution. As an individual, you can create an action item that reverses this emotion.
…
Get Uncomfortable
I know the feeling. You want to be able to express your emotions but doing so makes you feel weak.
You see negative emotions as a destroyer of inner harmony and peace, and that’s a need for the dismissive-avoidant.
If you remove the person causing the problem, poof, harmony is back.
You’re building resentment and a negative image of the person you are avoiding.
The helpful piece of the journal is you can use it as a reference piece to express your emotions. It replaces the feeling of vulnerability with reading an archive of how you feel.
You can use that journal entry to get out of your comfort zone and express yourself through that avenue.
Whether doing this alone or with your partner, open your journal to your latest entry and read it out loud.
It sounds silly to do this alone, but it is like preparing for an interview; the more speaking practice you do, the better you get.
…
Conclusion
You targeted and attacked critical triggers for the dismissive-avoidant; weakness, criticism, vulnerability, and confusion.
You will be shocked at how much clarity you gain when you alleviate the weight of these feelings.
It takes practice, even if it feels unconventional and new to you.
Don’t ignore your process. Processing and reacting to emotions is a difficult task for the dismissive-avoidant.
Don’t avoid that mission.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Jackson David on Unsplash