Life is simple: You attract what’s similar to you. If you’re nice, you’ll attract nice people. If you’re a jerk, you’ll attract jerks. Nice guys should always get the girl. It’s the least you deserve for being nice.
Except that doesn’t work in relationships.
Nice guys don’t always get the girl.
You may try your best: Take her to fancy dates, treat her well, work on yourself, and be the perfect gentleman. That still doesn’t guarantee she’ll fall in love with you. In fact, you still risk watching her choose the bad boy you hate so much.
But you have two options. The first is to complain about the unfairness of life and cry because you deserve more. The second is to understand why this happens so you can change your behavior and finally get the girl.
Guess which option makes you happier?
So here are the reasons why nice guys never get the girl (and how you can change that).
1. You act entitled.
You may think you’re a nice guy. You have all the qualities: you open the door, listen to her, and text her often. You have genuine feelings and great intentions.
But here’s the catch: She doesn’t owe you anything just because you’re nice.
If you act nice because you expect some reward for it, you’re not nice. Truly nice people don’t expect anything in exchange for their behavior. They do it because they’re happy to help others.
It’s normal to have expectations when you’re in love. But if you’re nice only because you want her to be your girlfriend, you’re doing it wrong.
When you have high expectations, she’ll notice it. She’ll feel the pressure to meet your expectations — and nobody likes to feel pressured. What was supposed to be nice becomes a burden to others only because of your expectations.
What to do:
Being nice is the bare minimum you have to do.
You’re not doing anything exceptional by treating her well. No woman would start a relationship with someone who treats her badly (at least not consciously).
If you act nice, do it with your heart and don’t expect anything in return.
2. Nice isn’t enough.
Being nice is the first step to finding a great partner. Nobody wants to date a jerk. But that’s not nearly enough to start a relationship.
Most people act in automatic mode and don’t notice the impact of relationships.
You may not realize it, but the ultimate goal of a relationship is to build a life together. That includes having children, making tough financial decisions, planning your life (and sticking to the plan), and spending most of your free time together.
You need a partner you can trust and who has the same goals as you.
What to do:
Nobody will start a relationship with you only because you’re nice. Great relationships take way more than that: trust, dealing with conflict, and even love.
You can’t spend the rest of your life with someone only because they’re nice.
Find someone who wants the same as you, is ready to commit, knows how to deal with trouble, and will support you in raising kids.
When you realize the impact of a relationship in your life, you’ll understand that being nice isn’t enough. This way, you’ll look for the right partner for you (and work on becoming a better partner).
3. You have a childish mindset.
The problem with considering yourself a nice guy is that it shows a binary mindset. You’re only nice because other guys are jerks. There’s nothing in between.
That’s a childish mindset. Life doesn’t work that way.
Real-life isn’t a Disney movie with heroes and villains. Reality is way more complex, with many gray areas and moral dilemmas. Even the nicest guy on Earth can be the villain in someone else’s story.
Relationships work the same way: They’re not good or bad.
This binary mindset stops you from dealing with trouble because you assume you’re the hero and the others are against you. But even the greatest couples disagree at times. What happens when your girlfriend disagrees with you?
Dealing with trouble is a big part of relationships.
Maybe you can’t find a girlfriend (although you’re a nice guy) because you have a childish perspective on life.
What to do:
You have to treat relationships for what they are: complex. Believing you’re always a nice guy to everyone sounds unrealistic because everyone has arguments (and they’re not always simple).
A mature perspective understands the grey areas of life.
This will help you deal with trouble, take responsibility for your problems, and be more tolerant of others and yourself.
4. You’re not her type.
“Looks don’t matter” is the biggest lie in relationships. You have to be attracted to your partner; otherwise, you can remain friends. But attractiveness goes beyond looks.
Your personality can also make you attractive (or unattractive).
Your nice personality can work for you, but maybe you’re simply not her type. It’s not about you; it’s about her preferences. If she’s not attracted to you, there’s no way this relationship can work.
So maybe she’s just not into you.
What to do:
You may feel mad at her for not liking you. You deserve to get the girl because you’re a nice guy. But you can’t blame her for her (lack of) feelings because she can’t control them.
Not being attracted to you doesn’t make her a monster.
Not being attracted to someone is a valid reason to end the relationship. And that has nothing to do with being nice.
You don’t control how you feel (and neither doe she). She can’t control what she likes or dislikes. The only thing you can do is respect her choice and move on.
You should always look for your best version. That could mean learning a new skill, getting out of your comfort zone, caring for your looks, and (why not?) being nicer.
But that still doesn’t guarantee you’ll find a relationship.
You can’t control love. You don’t control how you feel, how the other person feels, or the success of the relationship. So, while you do your best, don’t blame her if it doesn’t work.
Remember: being nice is the bare minimum to start a relationship. And people don’t owe you anything because you’re nice.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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