Before all these COVID-19 quarantine happened, three of us were on our way from lunch after a conference and discussing random things about our lives. That’s when I asked my workmate Charlotte about her 4 years long relationship with our senior colleague Hussey.
Her face suddenly fell.
“Hussey broke up with me!”
“When?” I asked without even squinting.
“Last month. He had found another girl, from his new hospital.” she said.
I was this close to saying “I told you so!” — but I didn’t, because why should I add more fuel to the fire.
I don’t know how, but I apparently knew their relationship wouldn’t last long. I had even talked to her about it when she was complaining they were constantly fighting over the phone since Hussey got a transfer to a different hospital for further training. But she didn’t listen to my warnings.
8 of my close friends had broken up last year, and unfortunately, 7 of them were predictable.
Being able to deduce which relationships are treading down shouldn’t have been my superpower. But since it’s been so, let me take good use of it and tell you about 4 signs of relationships that really wouldn’t work.
Not Excited Anymore
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The days when my friend Nav wanted to see his crush Ariel, I was the wingman he dragged along everywhere. I had to wait while they talked and I wasted hours watching their back. However 4 months later, after all that effort worked and Ariel said yes to dating Nav, I found him rejecting her calls and avoiding her.
When he said he had lost his interest — I could only roll my eyes hard.
It doesn’t matter how much you initially loved your partner, if you are no more excited, there is a high chance that your relationship is going to fall flat.
Seasons change and so do the people, feelings and love as well. Maybe you shouldn’t hold onto such relationships when you feel that you are no longer excited in the relationship, or you feel your significant other is no longer excited to see you.
When you are getting unnecessarily annoyed, feel indifferent towards each other, and neither of you enjoys the discussions you had with each other, or feel excited with the intimacy, simply, get ready for it to end.
Stop pumping air to a dying relationship, since neither of you deserves such a burden
Make up your mind, so you can leave them, or you can be ready for the news that they are leaving.
Honesty is lost
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When my senior colleague Tanya got married, all the other girls who knew her were jealous. Her husband was a surgeon and a very handsome one at that. They had a promising future together and the world was in their hands.
But within 1 year of marriage, Tanya found out her husband Argus was acting suspiciously. He was not coming home after his shifts and he had a lot of secrets in his phone and the laptop.
Tanya’s suspicions grew day and night until she found out for sure that her husband had an extramarital relationship.
Less than 2 years since their fairy tale marriage, they divorced and Tanya is still single as of 2020 September.
Honesty and trust are the foundations of a relationship. They need to be respected at all times and if ever they shatter, rebuilding them would be arduous.
At the start, a couple would usually agree upon some common expectations and goals for the relationship. Those could include (but not limited to) if it is a monogamous relationship or an open relationship if polyamory has a place in the relationship, and how the intimacy is working for both of you.
If honesty and trust make up the foundations, these agreements make up the pillars that hold the relationship up. The foundation, as well as the pillars, have to be protected for your relationship to not crash down upon you.
Once you feel that any of these are not respected, and your partner is no longer honest with you, you would feel cheated on, and it is normal to feel devastated. At such an event, rather than keeping it to yourself, you have to peacefully confront them with evidence and settle it before it becomes a larger issue.
However, always spare space for it to be a misunderstanding. You never know what actually happened and with strong emotions, many things may not seem as they truly are. Always be all-ears to their explanation. Maybe they weren’t disloyal. Maybe they were, but now they want another chance. If you think they deserve it, you can choose to let them have a second chance or not. However, you are not obliged by any means to give a chance to a cheating partner, and this decision is solely yours.
If you cannot work it out, or you cannot forgive them, it is best to call it off for good, because it will crash anyway.
On the other side of the coin, you might find your attention has shifted to another person. They could be a co-worker, a classmate, or even a random person on Tinder(why would you be on Tinder if you love your partner in the first place?).
Since this realization, you might feel like a jerk or a cheater, but unfortunately, our minds are beyond our control when it comes to love or the lack of it. However, if you are thinking of breaking up, first ask yourself if your feelings toward this new person and vice versa are genuine.
But do you know one thing that you should do if you feel that you are not honest anymore? Don’t cheat on your partner. Go for that “ We need to talk!” conversation and finish it off respectfully.
You realize you never loved them.
Photo by Zoran Zonde Stojanovski on Unsplash
I was in a relationship for 2 years with this amazing girl who was probably the most romantic person I have ever seen. She would never forget the birthdays, she was generous with the gifts, she would say all the nice things and treat me like a Prince.
But, I was never in love with her. Then why did I date her? I started dating her because I didn’t want her to date a jerk. She wanted to be my girlfriend for over 3 years and then when I rejected her repetitively, she impulsively said yes to the biggest playboy I had ever known.
I never loved her didn’t mean I wanted her to have a jerk as her boyfriend. She was a friend of mine. So I thought dating her was the correct thing to do to protect her.
But I was wrong.
2 years later, I broke her heart too. Because I wasn’t loving her, and now I was the jerk.
Sometimes it might take you time to realize that in your relationship the love didn’t exist from the beginning. Sometimes it started with infatuation, lust, or even jealousy or sympathy. It might seem obvious to you after a certain time in the relationship that you are doing it for the sake of maintaining it, but not for the sake of love.
Such relationships would yield nothing for either of the parties in it. If you realize the true foundation of the relationship you started wasn’t love, and you are tired of it and want out of it, this is a clear sign that your relationship is not built on a solid foundation.
Get ready for it to break on its own, or just get the damn hammer and break it.
Abusive or toxic relationships
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George was one of the most cheerful and flamboyant guys I had ever known. Once outgoing spontaneous and wild, George since recently had started to corner himself in any public space.
We live a busy life and we rarely have time to completely look into others’ personal life but upon asking around, I heard he had relationship issues.
But I never knew the situation was that bad until he called on a late night to his close friend Margaret, that his boyfriend has physically abused him under the influence of intoxication. Apparently, this had been going on for a while since we started noticing his changes in behavior.
Margaret quickly alerted us to take an action and with the help of the law enforcing officers, we could remove him from the abusive situation and detain his boyfriend.
Now they have broken up, and we are thankful to George for being courageous to ask for help and being strong enough to move on.
Abuse is an absolute indication for a relationship to end. They gotta go no matter how hard it would be.
As George did, you could ask for some help from the friends and family and you would need the attention of the law-enforcement authorities to safeguard yourself, and your dependents(i.e.- children) if the situation is serious.
Never make it a reason to maintain your relationship with a toxic partner for the sake of your children. It’s neither safe for you nor your children. UNICEF says that the children who are exposed to violence in the home may have difficulty learning and limited social skills, and they can exhibit violent, risky or delinquent behavior, or suffer from depression or severe anxiety.
The vicious cycle of abuse never ends even though you would feel that the abuser feels remorse from time to time. Take your stand, and leave this relationship.
Every abusive relationship goes through 4 stages around each event.
1. Tension Buildup
2. Incident/Acute Violence
3. Reconciliation
4. Calmness
The phase of calmness is only a ‘Calm before the storm’. It is often only a matter of time to reach the tension buildup phase and to eventually progress into Acute Violence/Incident phase. You should always know that you are sitting on a volcano which is about to erupt. The best thing you should do is to get out of the danger into a safer place. If you are in such a place, I wish you could gain the confidence to move out and move on.
But what if you don’t live with your abusive partner, but you face abuse (physical or mental) every time you meet outside? As always you could try to settle it, but if you have already tried but you cannot, you are much better off of that relationship. Let them go, block them out of your social media and have a friend with you every time you might come across them. Most importantly don’t let their angelic side during the calm phase to lure you into the same snare again.
Conclusion…
Two weeks ago, Hussey married the new girl he met at his new hospital. Charlotte is still in a shock about how rapid everything had changed for her. She has isolated herself and shouts at anyone who tries to talk to her. However, we are still trying to help her move on, because she has to.
If you don’t want to be like Charlotte, please take these observations into your mind and think rationally about the real situation of your relationship. So, if it ever breaks down on you, you won’t be suffocated.
Your life is yours. If you feel your relationship with your partner is crashing, could it be a casual, cohabiting, married or a civil partnership, it is much better to let it go. Because sometimes it’s better to let go than to hold on to painful, uninspiring and toxic relationships.
This letting-go will save you from a huge disappointment and an even bigger heartbreak down the lane. Because, after all, life is all about loving yourself.
Be strong, move out and it’s going to be okay.
(P.S. — Please consider that the names on this article had to be changed for privacy purposes since these scenarios are related to real people.)
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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