4 Signs They’re Not Committed, They’re Cushioning — & What To Know

So you started talking to someone romantically and things are going pretty well. They’re eager to hang out with you, and they seem interested in who you are. You feel increasingly confident about the relationship, and you believe they surely feel the same — right?

In some situations, that’s the case. But in others, your partner may actually be “cushioning.”

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What Is Cushioning?

According to Urban Dictionary, one definition of “cushioning” is when you’re dating someone but flirt with a few other people on the side to “cushion” any breakups.

As Elizabeth Gulino wrote in a Refinery29 article, it might be the shadiest dating trend yet.

Since it’s a secretive thing, you may not see the signs as easily. But to help you know what to look for, here are the signs, affirmations, and other important info you need to know.

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Signs You’re Being Cushioned

Sign #1. They seem interested — but only sometimes.

What that may look like: Some days, they’re making plans with you and seem excited to hang out. But other days, they couldn’t be less interested. They put little work into the relationship consistently. You may feel confused by all these ups and downs.

What to remember: You deserve someone who’s committed to you, makes you feel good, and wants to improve the relationship on an ongoing basis.

Sign #2. They’re secretive about their other plans.

What that may look like: On days when they can’t hang out, they share little (if any) details. You may get vibes they don’t want to tell you why or that they’re interested in someone else. They may have their phone out often but try to hide the screen from you. You don’t know much about their other relationships or friendships.

“They never let you see who is messaging them, and they certainly would never give you their passcode,” wrote Bela Gandhi, a dating expert, in a TODAY article. “If you do happen to take a look at their phone, you can tell they’ve deleted message chains.”

What to remember: While everyone is allowed to keep parts of their life private, some secrets are more on the side of dishonesty. You deserve a partner you can trust and one you feel confident you know.

Sign #3. You have a gut feeling something is wrong.

What that may look like: If something inside you — or a friend — is telling you that things don’t seem right, listen. Look out. Maybe you notice warning signs, or maybe you just overall get bad vibes.

What to remember: I’m a firm believer in trusting your gut and your loved ones. Just saying.

Sign #4. They don’t seem to care if the relationship is going well or not.

What that may look like: Since a “cushioner” has other relationships to fall back on, they may not seem committed to improving your relationship or ensuring it’s a healthy and happy one. They may not care about making you feel better, or communicating effectively, or being willing to hear you out when you’re worried about the relationship.

What to remember: To quote TikToker Mary Mondlock, “Here’s a hot take that’s really just a fact”: Partners who truly care about you want to make sure you feel happy most of the time. They want the relationship to go well because it (and you) are important to them.

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When Cushioning Is OK and When It’s Not

It’s probably OK when…

Cushioning is not always a bad thing. For example, when you’re not exclusive with someone, or when you just start dating, it’s understandable that you’re trying to meet different people and see who’s the best fit. This can also help you not obsess over one particular person.

“A lot of my clients need to be seeing multiple people at one time, to keep from focusing all their energy on one person,” said Jenna Birch, a dating expert, for Cosmopolitan. “If you met on a dating app and you’ve been dating others, expect they will be too. Sometimes, just based on whom you meet first and how quickly a relationship progresses, you may have cushions.”

But watch out for…

However, cushioning can also be a sign you struggle with commitment or are dating someone you’re really not interested in. In those situations, as well as in committed, exclusive relationships, cushioning isn’t the best decision. It can also cause you to end up totally alone or in shallow relationships.

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