4 Simple Lessons From 2 Years in a Long Distance Relationship

When my boyfriend and I decided to try a long distance relationship, I was very skeptical. I wasn’t alone: my family and friends also said it was madness. They had a point. I knew we were against the odds. We are from different countries and each of us had a solid life back home.

Yet, somehow, after two years we made it work. Now we live together.

I can’t lie, those were challenging times. We had a 5-hours difference in our clocks and over 10.000 miles between us. It took patience, countless video calls, and a lot of love to get us where we are now.

But we took valuable lessons from those times that help us to be a better couple now. Even though nobody wishes to be so far from a loved one, my relationship is proof that it can be done.

In case you are facing the dilemma of a long distance relationship, here is what I’ve learned from that period:

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You Cannot Control Your Partner

The first lesson from my long distance relationship is not very surprising: you have to trust the other person.

When we were far from each other, I couldn’t stop my boyfriend from going out with his friends and partying. I wanted him to be free and have fun. Besides, I wouldn’t want him to stop me either. On the other hand, at the times when I stayed at home and he went out, if I worried about him cheating on me it would only harm one person: me. So, from my point of view, trusting him was the only option.

A relationship that tells you what you can and can’t do kills your freedom and that’s not it’s supposed to be. Instead, I wanted my relationship to be a place in which both of us got to be free.

As much as you try, you can’t control another person — and you shouldn’t want to.

Nowadays, I feel calm when my boyfriend says he wants to have a “guys’ night”. I learned to trust him when we were far; and now we appreciate each other even more due to this freedom.

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Have Your Own Hobbies

My boyfriend and I are extremely different. He likes mountain sports, like climbing, bouldering, skiing, and hiking. He’s a natural explorer. I am almost the opposite. I enjoy reading a good book, writing, and the arts in general.

During our time apart, we had plenty of opportunities to develop our own hobbies. I went back to drama club, while he found new mountains to go. This may seem small, but these hobbies tell us a lot about who we are. Keeping in touch with that helps us to have a more fulfilling life. Without them, it’s like we’re incomplete.

Yes, being in a relationship is great. But at times it prevents you from doing things that you like to do alone. This happens because time is scare and we need to make choices. We’ve all been there. Instead of going to the theater, you go to a restaurant with your boyfriend. Instead of joining the guys for that soccer match, he watches a movie with you.

After so long far from each other, we’ve learned to appreciate our individual hobbies.

I don’t stop my boyfriend from doing the sports that he likes so much. He never complains when occasionally I don’t want to join to a beer. We respect each other’s individuality, because we understand that it makes us who we are.

The lesson here is: become independent before you become a couple. Just because you’re in a relationship it doesn’t mean you need to share everything. After all, you are different people.

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Long-Term Thinking

Long distance relationships are quite abstract. It’s almost like a relationship in future, instead of the present. You can’t see, touch, or kiss the other person. You can’t make plans for the weekend.

When I was in a long distance relationship, I had to learn how to think of the long-term benefits.

I knew that I was giving up something in the present to receive a better reward in the future.

Developing that skill was also important for other aspects of my life. Take writing on Medium as an example: I don’t expect immediate rewards. I understand that it is a long-term game. The same goes for learning a language, since I am currently trying to learn German.

Success doesn’t come overnight. There is a lot of hard work behind the scenes. My long distance relationship allowed me to experience that first-hand.

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Having Dreams Together Makes us Stronger

The mentality that made me get through the long distance period was: this is temporary. We knew that there was the plan for us to be together, no matter when.

In our case, being together was a bit more complex because we are from different countries. There was a lot of bureaucracy involved: I needed to change my visa, translate multiple documents, and pay countless fees. That process took me over one year. But what made it successful in the end is that there was a plan.

Being far from each other forced us to make plans to change that scenario. And making plans together is one of the best things of being a couple. It keeps us dreaming and planning to achieve things together. It gives us something to hope for in the future.

We took that lesson to our relationship and now we have different plans: to travel, to find a better apartment, and to get a puppy. The important thing is to keep dreaming together.

Dreaming and working hard to make that come true gives you both something to fight for together, and in the end it makes the relationship stronger. Besides, it ensures you that you are both on the same page.

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Long distance relationships can be scary for most people. They are, indeed, very challenging. But I found that there’s a lot to learn from this period about relationships. After overcoming the distance, we apply those lessons on a daily basis, and I strongly believe that it makes us better.

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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.

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