4 Simple New Year’s Resolutions for Your Relationship

In October 2023, it came to light that Meryl Streep and her husband Don Gummer had separated 6 years prior. This news shook me in a way the demise of most Hollywood relationships don’t. Many I expect, but Streep and Gummer had been married for 39 years when this happened.

People decide to separate after nearly four decades together?!

Their separation made me realize there’s no point in your relationship when you are safe from growing apart or falling out of love.

It also reaffirmed my belief that you can never get complacent in your relationship, even if you promised one another it would last forever.

Since I believe that our day-to-day interactions with our partners play a greater part in how connected and satisfied we feel than spending lots of time and money on fancy date nights or vacations, I started to think about the best ways I could improve these. Doable things that would offer results.

Each of these four resolutions came out of lost opportunities or mistakes I’ve noticed that, even after 20 years, my husband or I sometimes make in our relationship.

It’s so easy to get lazy in your relationship after you have been together for a while. Take one another for granted. Make assumptions. Get complacent.

But when you get intentional, it’s also easy not to.

Here’s how I plan to do it.

Express appreciation more often

I must confess: I’m quicker to complain when something is done wrong (or not at all) than I am to give a compliment when something is done well.

So to change this, I want to make an effort to give more (genuine) compliments in my relationship. This is something my husband is better at than I am.

The simplest form of appreciation is just to say, “Thank you.”

The next level up is to also say why you feel thankful.

And this small added effort makes a huge difference.

I have been doing the laundry for over 20 years. That’s a lot of sorting, folding, and putting away clothes. It’s not hard, it’s not stressful, but it is time.

So I appreciate it when my husband recognizes this and every once in a while takes a moment to tell him how much he appreciates it and how it helps him and makes him feel lucky to have me.

I need to do more of the same. When that man does the dishes he leaves the sink so clean you’d think it was just installed. I love waking up to a nice clean sink. The next time he does this, I’ll be sure to let him know.

Thanking your partner for the things they do that you take for granted, the things they have always done, and the things you never have to worry about because you know they have it covered is a great way to make your partner feel seen and truly appreciated.

You may already be committed, but it doesn’t mean you both don’t appreciate a compliment once in a while.

Act lovingly (without feeling it)

I never would have believed this early on in my relationship, but sometimes feelings can truly follow action. For instance, you don’t always feel like going to the gym. But once you get started, don’t you usually feel glad you did?

I do.

This same concept can be applied to your relationship when it comes to your feelings toward your partner. Because let’s be honest, we don’t always have all the loving feelings every hour of every day. We each get caught up in our to-do list and feel squeezed by the pressures of raising children and managing a house too.

Thankfully, love is not a feeling. Love is a choice you make over and over in how you treat the other person.

So sometimes when I’m feeling unloving, or even annoyed, I’m going to do something very counterintuitive: I’ll do something nice for my husband.

I’ve tried it out and I can tell you it works.

Here’s an example. Let’s say we haven’t spoken much that day. We’re each absorbed in our respective work. Maybe we are both stressed and tired too. So I decide to make myself a cup of tea and while I do, I also make one for him. Then I take it to him in his office.

It can turn that day around and reconnect us, often with a hug and a kiss and a little verbal check-in about how our days are going. It’s a new little stitch in the fabric holding us together and it makes us both feel good.

Even if I didn’t feel it in the beginning, I’m glad I did it in the end.

Try to understand their passion

Sometimes it’s hard to understand our partner’s interests or newfound passions.

My husband recently developed a passion for piano. This began with him spending months learning how to play Your Song by Elton John and Bernie Taupin. He practiced so much that I bought earplugs.

Eventually, he got better. He learned another song, and then some more. Now his piano playing is usually enjoyable for me (as long as I’m not trying to sleep).

He also rediscovered a certain French pianist and singer from the 80s and I think it’s fair to say he got obsessed, with listening to him and talking about him. There were days when I thought if I had to hear this guy’s name one more time, I would scream.

I was not interested in this musician, did not connect in the same way with his music, and had no interest in reading a biography about him.

But then I thought, what if the tables were turned and I was trying to share my newfound passion for a certain artist with my husband? What would I be looking for?

I would want my partner to understand why this passion was exciting and interesting to me and how it made me feel. I would want him to understand this new and thrilling part of me and my life. Every human being has the need and desire to be understood, heard, and appreciated — especially by our partner.

That’s when I realized that what was valuable for me (and our relationship) to understand was why my husband loved this musician so much. It wasn’t feeling the same way about him. This relieved the pressure and piqued my curiosity.

I decided to make an effort to not just listen to what he told me, but also ask questions so I could understand his passion better. And you know what? It worked. And it made me love his newfound passion for him because it brought him so much enjoyment.

Your partner may be into monster trucks, NASCAR, pickleball, or knitting and you may have no interest in this topic at all. You may even dislike it.

Yet, if you’re willing to open your mind to learning a bit more about their passion — in particular, why they like it so much, they will feel more loved by you and as a result, I wouldn’t be surprised if it makes you love them a little more in return too.

Curtail the criticism

My husband sometimes accuses me of being too critical. Can I help it if I often recognize better ways of doing things? Or that I have high standards?

Well, if I want a happy relationship, I better.

For me, this is the most important one on the list, and probably the hardest. But it all comes down to one question:

Do you want to be right, or be happy? Maybe it depends on the situation. Let’s explore this a bit…

My husband and I often disagree about what the fastest way to get to a location in our town is. We both can get there, but we take very different routes. Mine is usually faster and more efficient (in my opinion and also according to the GPS).

There have been times I’ve pushed him to go my way instead of his or criticized his navigation, but it usually ends in an argument.

These arguments are pretty pointless. Like who cares if it takes an extra two minutes to get to the restaurant? It doesn’t matter.

These are the kind of cases in which I’m committing to keeping my comments to myself.

The bar I will use is that if my criticism could prevent pain, damage, or a problem, it may be a good idea to speak up. For instance, if we’re driving and I see a deer running toward the road, I will not assume he sees it too. I will yell, “Watch out, deer!” Because in this case whether or not I spoke up might matter a lot.

But if it doesn’t? I’m making it my resolution to say nothing.

Who knows, maybe by this time next year my husband will be complimenting me on how I’ve changed my critical ways.

What’s your resolution for your relationship?

Improving your relationship can improve your level of happiness and the quality of your life like nothing else. A committed partnership can offer several health benefits — but only if the relationship itself is satisfying.

So doesn’t it make sense to put a tiny bit of effort into making it better?

Or better yet, four small efforts:

Tell them when you’re thankful and why. It will make them feel more seen and appreciated.
Act lovingly, when you’re not feeling it because feelings can follow action (on both sides).
Seek to understand their passion (even if you don’t share it) to understand them better and help them feel more understood.
Skip the unnecessary critiques, even when you know you’re right, when it doesn’t matter so you can enjoy fewer arguments and more peace!

Hey, maybe if we all do each of these daily 2024 will turn out to be the best year of our relationships we’ve ever had — no matter how long you’ve been together.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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