4 Valuable Lessons for Future Dating

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything in relation to relationships. So forgive me for my rustiness. And speaking of rust, I have been absent from the dating scene for just shy of 18 months now.

I spent the majority of my adulthood in relationships, leaving very little room for independence. After my last romantic encounter, I decided to take time out, which in truth feels hard at times, as I’d closely described myself as a serial monogamist —or evidence would suggest.

These few years were meant to be fueled with self-development. Basically to “find myself” and find another meaning outside of a romantic connection. To a degree, I think I’ve done this through meditation, exercise, friendships, and academic studies.

However, recently this need for romance has sprung from beneath the surface again. Emotions change like the seasons, the autumn air must be infused with a romantic aura. You know a Starbucks in one hand and somebody’s mitten caressed in the other, whilst trampling through the dying leaves in the park. That just seems perfect right now.

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Influential advice from a rom-com

I know I’m not the only one that does this — I thought I’d get comfy and stick a somewhat cheesy romantic film on, one with an unrealistic plot and fantasy ending. Hitch. But there was a different smell here lingering, it was clear to see the messages behind the comedy layer (oh and yes until September 2020 I was a Hitch virgin)

Hitch (played by Will Smith) is a professional dating consultant who helps men woo their desired lover. The film is smoothed over with humor but fundamentally it has a few core teachings…

1. Live life from quotes you read on fortune cookies

Your energy is extremely infectious, so be positive. Nobody wants to be infused with pessimistic perspectives and negative aromas. You don’t want to bring your date’s mood down, you want to elevate them right? Like there on cloud 9 and having the best time — whilst in your company. Achieve this, then they’re more likely to be receptive to date 2,3,4 and so on.

Hitch has a variety of powerful affirmations throughout the film;

“Begin each day as if it were on purpose.”

“The greatest risk is not taking one.”

You see how empowering they are in the movie. But their effects in the real world are just influential.

Have positive remarks in your locker — but be wary of being unrealistic, I’m guessing this could be off-putting. It’s ok to point out the adversities of life, but don’t leave the conversation in the hole, springboard a bad situation and flip it on its heads. Every negative has an opportunity to learn, develop, and result in something fruitful. And this needs to be infused throughout your date(s).

We all need a mantra, best to have a good one. Be optimistic, flip bad scenarios on their heads, infect your date with positivity, and create a nutritious bond.

2. 60% of communication is non-verbal

When Hitch is coaching his clients on how to attract or impress a woman he reiterates the importance of all the signs that are not expressed verbally such as body language.

Whilst dating, our body language is essential for cultivating chemistry. Things like eye contact enhance connection, this is not to say stare at your date like a stalker. But good eye contact will go along way, especially during meaningful subjects or flirtatious references.

Secondly, posture may go under the radar, but executed poorly can give off all the wrong signals. Don’t be stiff and rigid but don’t be a slouched potato either. Have an open welcoming stance, arms down, chest exposed, and head up when you are speaking, especially when listening. And listening is something we need to highlight…

A good listener will find dating a much smoother ride, your date will also feel more relaxed and engaged. Active listening is an unquestionable skill, paraphrasing what your date says illustrates that you are giving them your undivided attention – this encourages them to communicate even more. And hey! Hopefully, something they say will resonate with you.

Don’t forget silence isn’t always bad, it’s an opportunity for the right sort of tension to manifest. Utilized at the appropriate times like after a compliment or a meaningful statement. Glance into your date’s eyes in these short spells of silence to encourage connectivity —don’t go eye wondering.

Finally, be conscious of your facial expressions. Commonly, we let our face do all the talking. Depending on what you want to remain a secrete this could work for or against you. Express positive facial remarks, it demonstrates that you’re really engaged and are paying full attention. But be wary of the negative expressions, I’ve always said if you don’t want to share your opinion verbally be careful about what your face is saying.

3. What you look like means less than you think.

Hitch had an allergic reaction that left him looking something rather unappealing, yet Sara (played by Eve Mendes) took this opportunity to get to know Hitch on a more intimate level as she looked after him for the night.

It was also illustrated through one of Hitch’s clients Albert Brennaman (played Kevin James) who pursued and successfully matched with a global superstar.

“What you look like means less than you think” This I couldn’t agree with more, true beauty lies within. Your face is secondary to how you carry yourself throughout life. Characteristics such as confidence, honesty, and caring are much more luminous and infectious than perfectly shaped eyebrows. A relationship demands mutual growth and meaningful connection. This is not something achieved just by gazing at somebody who’s psychically appealing. If you are only looking for something captivating you should just go to an art gallery.

There is nothing wrong with taking pride in your appearance and grooming yourself well and desiring a partner who’s the same. But my stance is more don’t let looks limit your potential of finding somebody who’s perfect for you emotionally and spiritually.

If you find yourself attached to an ideal of “I only date tall dark handsome” or “petite and blonde” then maybe it’s best to let this belief go. And adopt them as preferences rather than requisites.

4. Dance well but more importantly dance honestly

If you’re going on a date to dance, take this literally. If not try and see the bigger picture. Be yourself. Such a simple concept, yet many people don’t follow suit. They carry this false persona and if you’re serious about the longevity of your date, eventually they’ll see the real you. Being honest from the beginning will inhibit any avoidable problems further down the line, at a time when emotional attachment has already taken place.

Attend each date wanting to impress but don’t be pretentious. Impress them with the real you, and if that isn’t good enough, then they were never the right one for you.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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