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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
When Someone Fades
Do you know one of the things I value most in my life? Peace. It’s all of the little ways I get to construct this world of calm and equanimity that makes me feel relaxed. But when people are dating, it’s really hard to maintain this because there are so many things that rob us of our peace when we are looking for love.
One of those things is when we go on a date with someone we like, and it seems as if it might be going well, and then they fade. Maybe they stop texting back as much, or maybe they stop asking us out. Whatever the case, it becomes clear that this person we had hopes for has lost interest.
Sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, this has everything to do with them and not with us. But occasionally, it’s worth asking the question: Is there anything I might be doing that could be pushing someone away? I’m Matthew Hussey, and today we are going to talk about the five behaviors that can push someone away without us realizing it and prevent us from ever reaching our full potential.
1. When We Overshare
We run the risk of pushing people away when we overshare. Oversharing is incredibly common and is, by definition, when the amount of information we’ve given someone is disproportionate to our relationship with them. In other words, we might say things to someone who is essentially a perfect stranger that they shouldn’t know yet.
What does this actually look like? It can resemble talking about our insecurities very early in the process. For example, we might say, “I just hate when people ask me about my height because I’ve never liked my height. I’ve always felt like I’m too tall or too short.” This is oversharing about an insecurity we have just as someone else is beginning to form their own opinions about us.
When we dump our insecurities on someone, we’re telling them what to think about us instead of allowing them to form their own opinions. Oversharing can also involve discussing deep traumas we’ve experienced and how we’ve worked through them. While that may be beautiful and courageous, it’s not information a person who just met you really needs or knows what to do with.
This isn’t a therapy session; it’s a date. Oversharing can involve talking about someone from our past, no matter how awful they were. The person in front of you doesn’t need to hear how badly you have been hurt in a previous relationship right now. You can allude to the fact that you’ve had a challenging relationship, but the details are unnecessary.
We often come off poorly when we speak badly about someone they don’t know while they are just getting to know us. It might leave them wondering, “What will they say about me one day to a perfect stranger?”
Why We Do This
Why do we overshare? We may do it because we’re anxious. In our anxiety, we just start saying things, and later we think, “Why did I say that? What was I even thinking?” We sometimes overshare because we’re avoidant. If I can give you all these reasons to reject me before you find them out, then I almost own the rejection.
Some people overshare because they’re too trusting, forgetting that information is power and that someone shouldn’t have all that information on us right now because it can be used against us. Others overshare because they’ve been living in a world where therapy is normal, and they don’t realize that this is a different context.
We overshare for all sorts of reasons, but the effects can be universally damaging. They give people information that makes them uncomfortable and brings them into a world of intimacy they haven’t earned. Ultimately, we can end up pushing someone away without ever realizing it.
2. Negativity
The second way we push people away without realizing it is through negativity. Now, I want to make something very clear. When I talk about negativity being a bad thing, I’m not advocating for endless, relentless positivity in every conversation, regardless of what someone is going through.
For example, we have been experiencing wildfires here in Los Angeles. A very helpful video by my friend Dr. Ramy was about how to support people going through the wildfires. She mentioned that if you’re talking to someone who has lost their home, saying they’re lucky to still be alive might not be the best approach. That’s a form of toxic positivity.
Positivity all the time isn’t necessarily what’s called for, especially when we’re trying to connect with people. I think of negativity more broadly as the way we leave people feeling after we’ve met with them. When they leave us, do they feel a little happier or lighter?
Sometimes negativity takes the form of saying deeply negative things. Other times, it can look innocuous, like being the person who, every time someone asks how we are, we reply, “Oh my God, I’m just so busy! There’s so much going on!” If that’s the energy we bring to every conversation, it will eventually have an effect.
A Helpful Phrase
It’s true that positivity doesn’t mean always finding the bright side. It can just mean bringing a certain energy to a situation. I was reminded of this during the wildfires when my friend John Turtle, a movie director, was interviewed outside of his house. His was one of the only houses still standing in the neighborhood, thanks to a neighbor who fought the fires to protect it.
Amidst this chaos, John was able to express how hard and terrible everything was while still making people laugh. He pointed out to the cameraman what he should be filming instead. He asked, “Can you believe how many houses are still going up right now? It’s crazy!”
John injected his playfulness and wit into a tragic situation, leading with that positive energy. He made those around him laugh, including his family, who were watching at home during a stressful time.
This leads us to a collective consideration: Am I defaulting to negative energy or positive energy? Am I leaving people better than I found them? This question is even more descriptive than just asking if I am a positive person. When we think positively, we often feel pressured to say positive things.
However, by focusing on leaving people better than we found them, we can reflect on the energy we bring, sometimes even without words.
3. Drinking Too Much
The third way we can unknowingly push people away is by drinking too much. This point is relatively short, but it’s essential. It’s common to have one too many drinks on a date because we’re trying to calm our nerves, or it feels like the thing to do, or we’re trying to keep up with someone else.
Somewhere between drink one and four, we can turn into a version of ourselves that isn’t necessarily our most attractive. I’m not suggesting we should feel guilty about drinking, as I certainly have enjoyed my share of drinks, but I will say that drinking can take us off our game in unhelpful ways.
It might make us less composed or cause us to say things we otherwise wouldn’t. For the person on the other side, this can quickly become something that turns them off. So, be mindful of how much alcohol you consume when you’re on a date. It’s also a strong argument for daytime dates, where there’s less pressure to drink.
4. Too Much Intensity
The fourth way we push people away without realizing it is by having too much intensity in our interactions. There are different types of intensity in dating.
The first is excessive neediness. For example, constantly following up and asking, “Do you miss me?” or “Why haven’t you texted me back?” Demanding a level of attention and investment from someone we barely know can come off as intense and overwhelming.
Another form of intensity is over-familiarity. This occurs when we impose a level of intimacy and comfort on someone that hasn’t really been earned. For instance, after a single date, someone might start calling you “baby.” That can feel weird and unearned, making you uncomfortable.
There’s also the kind of intensity where we over-invest emotionally. If someone mentions they had a tough day at work, responding with intense empathy like, “Well, that’s because they have no idea how valuable you are!” can come across as too much.
Lastly, there’s self-intensity, which involves reading too much into a situation, using intuition, and offering unsolicited advice. For example, saying, “I can’t help but notice that when you talk about this, it seems there’s more there. Have you tried trauma-informed therapy?”
The Answer to Intensity
All this intensity often stems from stories we tell ourselves that don’t correspond with reality. The key to overcoming intensity is presence. When we focus on being present with the person in front of us, our words and actions will be a direct reflection of what is actually happening, rather than the stories in our heads.
5. When We Don’t Listen
The fifth and final behavior that pushes people away is when we don’t listen. This seems so obvious that it hardly needs to be said, yet the art of listening is lost on so many of us—including me—during conversations.
We can be poor listeners for various reasons: anxiety about saying the right thing, impatience, ignorance, or even arrogance, leading us to believe that we can’t learn anything from others. Not listening creates a barrier to connection, leaving people feeling unseen and misunderstood.
How to Become a Better Listener
The question is, how can we become better listeners? There’s plenty of advice on listening out there, but I want to draw your attention to something I read this week. Haruki Murakami, the famous Japanese fiction writer, discusses in his book “Novelist as a Vocation” how he observes the world without rushing to conclusions.
He encourages observing details without the need to make value judgments or conclusions right away. This advice is valuable for dating, too. While there might be internal conclusions we arrive at during or after a date, rushing to judgment during a conversation can hinder getting to know someone.
When someone shares a story about their life, instead of jumping to conclusions about their character or past, we can focus on curiosity. Continuing to listen and actively ask questions makes the other person feel heard and valued.
Great listening isn’t about assuming everything that information means; instead, it’s about encouraging the story and character of the person in front of you. This approach allows you to get to know them better and decide whether to go on another date while making them feel genuinely listened to.
What About You?
Having heard these five behaviors, is there something you’ve done or witnessed in friends and family that unconsciously pushes people away in dating? Leave a comment and let me know—I’m curious what you would add to this list.
And don’t forget to check out Matthew AI. You can ask it questions like, “What should I do on a first date?” or “What kinds of conversations are most attractive?” You can even inquire about recovering attraction after a date if you feel it’s been lost. You can ask it any question you can think of.
So go ahead and check it out at askmh.com. By the way, if you’re looking for prompts to ask Matthew AI, I’ve included some examples in the description below. Thank you so much for watching; it’s been a pleasure, and I’ll see you next time.
Oh wait, before you go, if you want a video that pairs extremely well with this one, like a fine cheese, then you need to go here next!
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
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