5 Eye-Opening Reasons Why Playing Dating Games Is Not Worth Your Time

You can’t strategize falling in love, can you?

It’s never worked. People love you the most and set you up, and it doesn’t work because you can’t predict these things. You fall in love serially.” — Meryl Streep

Oh, what would I not give to become that perfect “me” that attracts my kind of guy?

Why do all my strategies I learned from Youtube love gurus fail and I end up exactly where I started?

I was taught that through hard work and working on your image, you can achieve anything in life. Hustle, win, hustle.

This rule fails in terms of dating. It’s touted as a game with so many endless strategies that I have lost count.

I have tried all means possible to hold on to that date with so much potential (Why can’t he just see it?)

I’ve read enough about men “losing interest” when you are available.

Men enjoy a good chase.

That women need to be hunted.

I have tried delayed texting despite it putting me through anxiety for several hours till I say f***k it and reply.

I have given up planning the date ahead because I don’t want to be seen as too desperate or dominant.

I have politely declined the date, to sound too busy.

I reassured one date I wanted strictly casual even though I could feel myself falling in love with him — The reason? I don’t want to scare him off.

Despite this, the best people I’d ever met and the loving relationship I was in required none of this.

The person was there. always.

Then there was that peace I never knew I needed.

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So here are my lessons learnt in the process of dating for close to 3 years:

#1 Who Stays, Stays

Level up all that you can.

Improve your fashion game. Go workout for your ideal shape. Build confidence. Embrace your quirkiness.

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Be amazing and challenge your comfort zone.

But as cynical as it sounds, all these are NOT reasons for someone to stay in your life.

We humans are way more complicated than a combination of traits put together.

The world is definitely not divided between the hunters and the hunted.

People look for different things. People change.

There are days when your perfect image is going to break. There are going to be moments where you will show your puffed face after an ugly cry.

There are days you need someone to hold your hands and stay and you can’t pull off your cool persona.

We (at least some of us) need real relationships with people who stay despite all these minor glitches. The right person for you will do all this and respect you through it all.

You only owe your levelling up journey to the one person you are destined to live with — you.

No one else.

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#2 It is a Waste of Time to Lose Your S**t Over Texting Games

The 3 day wait, the delayed texts, and the replying with single words are over.

And hopefully, we all have better things to do in life than fight an imaginary WhatsApp battle with someone.

Even if we did win the texting game, what if they move away tomorrow for totally different reasons?

What if they are turned off when they see the real you, who actually loves to text frequently?

Go text the person you want to. because you like them.

Tell them you liked the date; it’s alright. Plan the next one.

If they don’t get your vibe, then they simply aren’t the person for you.

We will never be too desperate for the right one.

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#3 If You Are Strategising, It’s Not Working Already

If you are googling 10 Ways To Win Your Aquarius Man Back, you already know the answer.

If you are getting replies after days and you try to match that effort by replying after 2 days, then you don’t need Matthew Hussey to confirm that it is not working.

If it’s not equal effort, then we got the foundation itself wrong. Strategising is just a tactical solution to deny the reality.

Unless the relationship or conversation flows, it’s not worth it.

True, there will be conflicts, such as days when you are truly busy with a product release in your office or your date has lost his phone and is attempting to contact you through all means.

But with the right person (yes, again), things would return to that calm state after this.

If the pattern keeps repeating and you are searching for the answers online, then the act of searching itself is the sign you are looking for.

If you are in a constant state of agitation and left in the dark , an honest conversation helps more than anything else.

Save yourself from the illusions.

By the way, Scorpio or Aries, INFP or ENTJ, friendship or dating, we can never WIN anyone nor convince anyone to stay with us.

The choice is theirs as much as it is ours.

Bruce Nolan: How do you make so many people love you without affecting free will?
– God: If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.” — Bruce Almighty

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#4 There Is No Award Out There For Playing It Safe

Vulnerability is our biggest asset in dating or anywhere else.

In the words of Mark Manson:

A person who is truly secure and comfortable with being vulnerable is simply expressing themselves and saying, “This is who I am, faults and all. You don’t have to like me for me to be OK with that.”

And when people don’t like you for who you are? Well then, fuck ‘em.

There is no audience clapping for the egg-shell walk you do so that you don’t end up heartbroken.

Despite being a wonderful, kind-hearted soul who donates to all good causes, you are going to meet some indifferent folks, cruel heartbreaks, toxic relationships, and “love” that makes you question your sanity.

Take the lessons with you.

Take all the breaks you need.

But never let your bad experiences define your worth and make you create a “super-cautious” persona that’s not you.

Will it help you find “the one”? Maybe not.

But you will be at peace for bringing your authentic self.

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#5 Sometimes — It’s Not Always You, It’s Them

Sometimes the other person decides to end the relationship and never gives you a reason.

Sometimes your dream date would have been love-bombing you all the time.

They cheated and manipulated while you were designing wedding invitations in Canva.

And a lot of times, the person did not deserve you at all.

We live in a world where we are asked to take lessons from every experience we have in life.

That’s not always the case.

There is no “hidden message” that the universe is trying to give you every single time.

And for God’s sake, run away from platitudes like “Everything happens for a reason”, “Only Good Things Happen to Good People”, and the worst one — “Love conquers all”.

There are a million red flags that are yet to be documented online.

Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing it in the first place.

No one does.

No amount of self-love, salon visits, dollars spent on relationship counseling, or the dark circles that the midnight Youtube relationship advice marathon gave you is going to make them “see you in a new light” and come back running into your arms.

As self-serving as it sounds, stop taking all the blame on yourself. It’s not always you.

That my friend is self-care.

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Final Thoughts

I finally understood the whole “don’t chase people” idea after chasing after people an embarrassing number of times.

There is no fool-proof, smart way to be in a relationship or to enter into one.

If we can figure it out, that’s a lot of life energy saved.

It might seem like the magic, the jittery feeling or a love that makes our hearts flutter is what we are look for.

But it’s the good old trust, a safe space to be our own and be loved for it , a stable presence that gives you calm and actions that match the words are all that we need.

So, here are my takeaways for you:

The right one stays, no questions asked.
Texting games are dead. Be honest with your intentions.
If you are searching for relationship answers online instead of having conversations, then that’s the sign you are looking for.
Vulnerability is your best friend.
It’s not always you learning a lesson. Sometimes life just happens.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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