5 Habits of Highly Effective Manipulators

If you ever have the presence of mind to perceive its presence there is nothing more unsettling than the cold calculating mind of a manipulator. A mind that is permanently geared to exploiting trust and influencing others for selfish gain.

Manipulation is, for lack of a better word, an art that some people excel at. They practice it so well that their victims are usually left confused, doubting themselves, and wondering how they were so easily swayed.

This is why it is very important to understand these habits that make manipulators so effective at their craft. Not to emulate them, of course, but to recognize and guard against their tactics.

Each of the following habits demonstrates their ability to weaponize human emotions and perceptions for their selfish gains:

1.As emotional connections naturally lower defenses, they make people more likely to comply with a manipulator’s demands. Manipulators, on their part, being masters of exploiting emotional weaknesses have learned to be highly attuned to other people’s emotional states.
They are, therefore, quick to identify our insecurities, our fears, or our desires and use them to make us do their bidding. For instance, they will shower their victims with affection to build trust so that they weaponize that trust later, Your only defense is to build up your emotional awareness, set up boundaries, taking notes whenever someone seems overly focused on your vulnerabilities.

“And the emotions? Guilt, fear, even love… they’re all like strings to be pulled, and you will find that people can be so beautifully predictable when you know just where to tug.” — Anders K, Master Manipulator Extraodinaire

2.Gaslighting is one of their favorite pastimes which they practice to destabilize you. It involves denying or twisting a truth to make you question reality. It works because it erodes a victim’s confidence and makes them, as a result, reliant on the manipulator for “clarity.”
So when you hear statements like, “You’re overreacting” or “That never happened” (common tools for manipulators), it may be that you are being gaslighted. Therefore, learn to trust your instincts and also seek genuine feedback from people you trust.

“Take gaslighting, for example. It’s all about making them doubt themselves, questioning what’s real and what’s not. And all you do is plant a seed of doubt, water it, and watch it grow.” — Anders K

3.Another devious habit is their proclivity to be selectively honest. They know when to sprinkle in a bit of truth to make their lies even more believable. So they can admit to a “small” mistake just to appear trustworthy to you, all the while concealing a much larger deception.
They have long learned that people are more likely to trust someone who seems “real” or “flawed,” therefore, they will habitually offer you partial truths to gain your trust and manipulate your perception, making their ultimate goal(s) easier to achieve.
Again here, your defense is to start paying attention to general patterns of behavior rather than isolated acts of honesty.

“The true secret lies in selective truth-telling. Give them just enough to hang onto, a breadcrumb trail, if you will, that leads exactly where you want it to. Just enough information to serve your agenda.” — Anders K

4.Manipulators will often use guilt and/or generosity to make you feel like you owe them something. Whenever they happen to do you a small favor, you can be sure that later, they will expect something much bigger in return.
Creating this sense of obligation usually works because good people generally want to reciprocate kindness and avoid feeling ungrateful, and they don’t always recognize favors that come with strings attached.
Another way is by isolating their victims to achieve a similar effect because isolation can make the victims so dependent that they develop feelings of indebtedness.

5.Finally, they have a habit of keeping their victims in a cycle of doubt and reward simply by alternating between criticism and praise. So, they can make you feel inadequate one moment, and the next they will shower you with praise. This creates an exploitable dependency: a victim is always seeking the manipulator’s approval just so they can feel good about themselves.
In the manipulator’s mind, it is more or less like a game where they are simply controlling others through strategic actions, maintaining control by keeping their victim off balance and constantly seeking approval.
Beware of relationships where validation feels inconsistent or conditional! It doesn’t get any simpler than that. If you suspect you are being manipulated, keep notes on how often the person criticizes you harshly one minute and suddenly compliments you to smooth things over, or if their positive gestures toward you only come after you agree with them or do something for them. Over time, patterns will reveal if their validations are genuine or manipulative.

“It’s like a game really, but a game most people don’t even know they’re playing.” — Anders K

Once again, understanding these habits is crucial in identifying manipulators and their tactics, thereby being able to protect yourself and the people you care about. Crucial because the more effective these schemers are in achieving their goals, the more their success comes at the expense of their, sometimes unaware, sometimes helpless victims. It is only by recognizing these habits that you can take the necessary steps to put the appropriate boundaries in place to maintain control over your own life, and maybe even help others to see if they too are in the grips of a cold, calculating manipulator.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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