The Relational Math of Sex

Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A.

Ori and Maya are doing great.

They have been in therapy for a couple of months, working on the aftermath of opening their marriage. After more than 20 years together, feeling bored and wanting something else, they opened things up. It woke something in them, but, ultimately, brought more confusion and pain than connection. In therapy, we shifted the focus from how to have sex with other partners to how to make better love with each other.

In session, Ori tells us they had a big fight last week. This time, instead of clamming up and not talking for three days, they did something different. They stayed and talked it out. The following day they practiced sofa time, a technique we teach couples to deepen their friendship. They talked more openly. They got more vulnerable. They understood each other. And then, Ori says, they had the best sex they’d had in a long time. Maya smiles and blushes slightly.

He looks at us and says, “And I don’t know why.”

We said, “It’s no wonder why.”

What they experienced was the recipe for mind-blowing sex. And no, it does not involve new techniques, positions, playlists, or moves.

Three types of lovemaking

As we have described before, there are three ways to make love to your partner.

Physical lovemaking, which is sex.

Emotional lovemaking, which is vulnerability. We call it “hearting”. It is daring to undress emotionally and say the thing.

And mental lovemaking, which is mental intercourse. This is when we challenge each other, push each other, show each other our blind spots, and grow.

Bring all three together and you get soul synergy. But let’s put that aside for now.

What happened with Ori and Maya

Many people forget that sex is not just a physical action. It is also emotional and mental. Ori and Maya were a perfect example. Both had kept looking outside their marriage for more satisfaction, not realizing that there was actually more sex to be had inside it. They just were not practicing the other two kinds.

They did not stumble onto better sex by accident. They accessed the relational equation. We call it “the relational math of mind-blowing sex”. I wrote it down for them on a piece of paper:

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Why does it work?

Because sex is an encounter between two people. The more of yourself you bring, not just your body but also your mind and your heart, the better the encounter will be. The more open and vulnerable you feel with yourself and your partner, the more of yourself you can bring. When sex expands to a full encounter of body, mind, and soul, you manage to transcend existential loneliness and feel a fuller, richer, longer-lasting climax. Right there, with each other.

Ori and Maya came to bed that night differently. They had fought and repaired, which is mental intercourse. They had done sofa time, which is emotional intercourse. They met at eye level twice before they ever touched. So of course the body followed.

This matters more as we age and sage. Your body shifts. Your desires shift. In the retirement home, in a wheelchair, you probably will not be doing tantric kamasutra. But you can still sit there and make love to your partner’s mind and heart. That is lovemaking, too.

Simple relational math.

Work on the other two first

If you want better sex, start with the mind and the heart.

Start with the mental. Read How to Blow Your Mind. Yes, more relational math. The recipe for great mental intercourse is:

Play + “give me more” + blocking exits = great mental lovemaking

Challenge your partner. Let them challenge you. Enjoy discovering and sharing new dimensions of yourself and each other.

Then the emotional. Emotional lovemaking is into-me-see. It is the art of daring to lower your defenses and share what is happening inside you. Learn to say the thing and broadcast live your feelings, fears, and desires. Learn to let it land and practice full-body listening, whereby you dare to be really touched by your partner’s words. Those two skills are the two components of mature intimacy, which we call “feel, together”-the ability to be vulnerable at eye level, while holding multiplicity of both partners.

When it comes to the sex itself, talk to your partner. Open it up. Widen the entry points into physical lovemaking. Sensuality does not equal sexuality, so aim for sensual, not sexual. Some nights will still be maintenance sex, and that is wonderful. This is a long term investment.

The more of yourself you bring to the mind and the heart, the more your body will follow. That is soul synergy, when all three come together.

Ori and Maya are now opening up their marriage to more dimensions of themselves.

Your turn. Math has never been this fun. Share this article with your partner. Try it for thirty days.

It’s simple relational math.

Galit Romanelli, M.A. is a relationship coach, Ph.D.-candidate, and co-creator of The Remarriage Roadmap, a program for couples who want more from each other.

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Originally published at https://www.psychologytoday.com.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.