A long-term relationship doesn’t generally end because of one big fight. It’s often a series of small habits or patterns that break down trust and connection over time. Studies have found that behavioral patterns and habits are the most significant predictors of breakups.
Here are five habits that destroy long-term relationships, according to research.
1. Ignoring Small Bids for Connection
Successful couples have been found to respond to each other’s “bids” for connection. These are small attempts at connecting with a partner. This might look like sharing a detail of their day, asking a question, or physical engagement (e.g. a shared look) to help strengthen your connection.
According to research by psychologist John Gottman, couples who stayed together responded to these bids for connection 86% of the time, while couples who divorced responded only 33% of the time.
Tip: Don’t dismiss your partner’s attempts to connect with you. And if your partner dismisses your bids for connection, be sure to talk about it early on to prevent it from becoming a long-term pattern.
2. Paying More Attention to Your Phone Than Your Partner
Few things are more frustrating than when your partner is on their phone instead of paying attention to you when you’re right in front of them. Ignoring your partner for phone time, which is known as “phubbing”, can quietly destroy a relationship over time.
Studies have found that phubbing is linked to poor relationship outcomes, which isn’t too surprising. It can feel a lot like rejection. It sends the message that your partner isn’t a priority, even when it’s not intentional.
A Baylor study found that phubbing led to lower relationship satisfaction, increased relationship conflicts, and even lower life satisfaction and depression.
Tip: To increase relationship satisfaction, plan to turn your phone off during mealtimes and set aside some time together each day, away from your phones.
3. Criticizing Your Partner All the Time
Constructive complaints are one thing, but constantly attacking your partner’s character can destroy your relationship over time.
Criticism can sound like:
“You never pay attention.”
“You’re so lazy.”
“Why don’t you ever think about anyone but yourself?”
According to research from John Gottman, criticism was one of the strongest indicators of divorce. And it’s not surprising. Attacking someone’s character can lead to long-term hurt and resentment.
Tip: Learn the difference between constructive criticism and attacking your partner’s character.
4. Being Negative Majority of the Time
Bad days and disagreements are bound to happen. But when negative interactions outweigh positive interactions, long-term relationship satisfaction decreases.
That being said, experiencing some negative interactions doesn’t automatically doom a relationship. Research from John Gottman suggests that there’s a magic ratio. Successful couples tend to have five positive interactions for every negative interaction.
Tip: Make kindness, gratitude, warmth, and appreciation a regular part of your relationship to prevent negativity from destroying it in the long term.
5. Playing Tit for Tat
When partners start keeping score in the relationship, it can lead to long-term resentment and lower satisfaction with the relationship. Playing tit for tat can look like:
“I cooked dinner last night. It’s your turn tonight.”
“I spent more on you for Christmas than you did on me. You owe me.”
“I’ve apologized more than you have. You owe me an apology.”
Keeping score can lead to a transactional mindset, which can slowly kill your relationship over time.
Tip: Practice gratitude and unconditional generosity, rather than keeping score of who did more than who.
The Bottom Line
On their own, these five habits don’t guarantee that your relationship will end. But over time, a combination of these patterns can lead to long-term unhappiness and resentment. Taking steps to nip these behaviors in the bud before they become a problem can help prevent long-term relationship unhappiness and breakup.
Feel free to share in the comments below. What habits do you think contribute to long-term relationship unhappiness and contribute to breakup?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
