Afriend of mine, an older gentleman roughly 30 years my senior, once relayed a story that has stuck with me ever since. It was the story of the flea circus; a simple tale about how craftsmen in the 19th century successfully manipulated one of Earth’s least regarded creatures to do their bidding.
Turns out it’s a pretty good analogy for the human condition as well.
As the story goes, jewelers and watchmakers enlisted the help of the tiny insects to showcase their handiwork. One method they used to ‘train’ the fleas was to put them into a glass jar and cover it with a lid. After a predetermined amount of time, they would be set free and deployed to pull a small object (usually the wares of the artisan himself) via a thin copper wire.
The fleas, who had previously been able to leap to incredible heights thanks to their tremendous leg strength, were effectively convinced that their ceiling was much lower than it was in reality due to their time in the jar.
I suppose the reason the story has stayed with me all this time is because of the parallels I see between the fleas and us, as human beings. The jar, of course, represents society and the lid keeping us in reflects the conditioning that each one of us receives from our own families and civilization at large.
This conditioning shapes us all, for better or worse. When we are small children, we are told we can become whatever it is we want to become in life. As time progresses, however, that message changes to something along the lines of “be realistic” or “get a real job”.
The massive influx of negative or limiting messages inevitably has an effect on our own self image and/or our belief in what we can accomplish in life.
Eventually, we begin to internalize these beliefs and far too often allow these thoughts to take on a life of their own, shaping our destiny in the process.
What follows is an abbreviated list of the most common limiting beliefs I’ve either experienced in my own life or have seen along the way in my travels.
Limiting Belief #1: “I’m not smart enough”
The idea that we somehow lack the intellectual capacity to achieve a certain goal is among the most common limiting beliefs of all. Perhaps it’s hard wired into us to believe that there is some magic bullet out there that just seems to elude us because, well, we’re simply not smart enough to figure it out.
While there is some merit to the idea that certain areas may be outside of our personal scope of competency, many times the deficit in question is not intellectual in nature but rather a question of tenacity. To put it another way, it’s not about skill as much as it is about will.
In a 2006 study originally published in the journal Political Psychology, researchers endeavored to rank US presidents by relative intelligence. John Quincy Adams, the nation’s 10th president, ranked among the most intelligent men to ever hold the esteemed office, with a brilliance index of 1.3.
By contrast, Franklin D. Roosevelt, the 32nd US president, had a brilliance index of 0.9. What’s striking about this comparison is they’re respective legacies as leaders of the free world.
Despite his success as a diplomat (Adams served as Secretary of State under James Monroe prior to his ascension to the presidency), he failed to distinguish himself as a president beyond earning the distinction as the first person to win the presidency despite having not won the majority of either the popular or electoral votes.
Meanwhile, Roosevelt is remembered for ushering the US through the Great Depression, as well as establishing social programs that remain relevant nearly 80 years after his last term as president.
That’s all to say that while intelligence is important, it is only one of a number of factors that correlate to success.
Limiting Belief #2: “No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be able to compensate for my lack of talent/shortcomings”
Like intelligence, natural talent is yet another attribute given undue weight when it comes to predicting or evaluating success in life. One needs to look no further than the sports world for evidence of that.
Of the last ten number one overall NBA draft picks, only 5 have made a single all star game, and only one (Zion Williamson of the New Orleans Pelicans) have done so over the last 5 years.
More often than not, the gems are found not at the very top of the draft, but dispersed throughout the remaining picks. One shining example is 2 time league MVP and three time NBA champion Stephen Curry.
Despite being the son of an NBA player (Steph’s dad Dell was a noted sharpshooter in the 90’s, primarily for the Charlotte Hornets), Curry’s emergence as a basketball legend was far from a foregone conclusion.
As an undersized point guard who lacked the explosive leaping abilities of contemporaries such as Derrick Rose and John Wall, Curry had to rely on fortitude and the one exceptional skill he had to make his mark on the game.
After being overlooked by all but a handful of major division 1 universities, Curry enjoyed a sensational college career that saw him lead the nation in scoring as a junior. While he has never been what one would consider physically imposing, Curry embodies what hard work can achieve.
Limiting Belief #3: “No one will ever find enough value in my experience/expertise to actually pay me money for it”
This one hits particularly close to home. Of all the limiting beliefs I’m sharing here, this is the one I personally struggle with the most. I’ve been writing on the internet off and on since about 2007.
I started with a few iterations of my personal blog before eventually finding something of a home here on Medium. My aspiration has always been to write and self publish books, both fiction and nonfiction.
I’ve gone so far as to conceptualize and begin writing a series of novels, starting with the bookends first, of which I am 15 and 5 chapters into respectively. I also have started a couple of nonfiction books that are just sitting on my drive.
Why? I suppose it’s the same question most writers have before they publish something:
Who the hell wants to hear what little old me has to say?!
My novels are loosely based on my own experiences growing up on the south side of Chicago, while the nonfiction offering I started revolves around marriage.
I was newly married when I began writing the book in 2007.
15 years later, I still feel like I have little to offer with my own experience in matrimony. I mean, my wife and I have very good communication but we have our challenges like any other couple. I hardly feel I am an authority to tell anyone else how to have a happy marriage.
Or am I?
In the grand scheme of things, I feel we are happy. Beyond that, I’ve learned a ton over the years. About myself, about my wife, about relationships in general. Why can’t I be the expert, particularly to someone who is either newly married or struggling in an area that we’ve overcome?
The same can be said for my novel. While a lot of the experiences I share in it are factual and are things that I really witnessed, a lot of it is fabricated, exaggerated, or just re-arranged to fit into my narrative flow.
But isn’t that pretty much what all novelists do? 🤔
Having said all that, my advice to you is the same thing I have to tell myself on a constant basis: the only thing stopping you is you.
When I shared the character sketches of one of the characters in my novels, it was very well received. I even read a few excerpts at local open mics to an audience that truly enjoyed it. I just have to get out of my own way. I encourage you to do the same.
Limiting Belief #4: “No one will ever take me seriously/find me attractive because of (insert perceived physical defect)”
This is a big one. I have encountered very few people who are completely confident in their physical appearance. I’ve found that even those people that project a lot of confidence in their looks secretly harbor some disdain about an aspect of their physical features.
Whether it’s their height, weight, skin tone, or something as trivial as the shape of their nose, people never fail to pinpoint something they wish they could change about their appearance.
Don’t think for a second this has gone unnoticed by big business.
From hair straighteners to breast enhancements, entire industries have formed around these insecurities people slavishly cling to. It doesn’t help at all that we live in a day and age where people are constantly bombarded by images of the ideal figure (male and female) both on the internet and television.
So what can we do to combat this, particularly when these perceived shortcomings are so deeply ingrained? Are we doomed to be forever beholden to society’s definition of beauty?
The answer to this, of course, is a very personal one. For myself, I am content with what I was given at birth. I feel no need for any tattoos, piercings or anything other than the factory settings assigned when I came into this world.
I do believe in trying to get myself, if not in the best possible shape, at least into something that approximates a healthy figure. I view that as a demonstration of gratitude toward my maker; I could care less what another individual feels.
Something that has helped me achieve this outlook is meditation. As I have told my students for years, from time to time we have to take out the trash that has accumulated in our mind so that we can make room for more healthy and self sustaining thoughts/images.
Limiting Belief #5: “My station in life was set at birth”
The final limiting belief I run into quite a bit is the idea that somehow, because we were born into a particular situation, our lives are destined to go in one direction or another.
Sadly, I’ve seen this in children and adults who were born into poverty or were raised in public housing, for instance. This isn’t limited to financial considerations, however.
I have also witnessed this play out culturally, as people resist making certain decisions out of fear of alienating themselves from their tribe. Whether it’s conceding to an arranged marriage or reluctantly taking over the family business out of perceived obligation, cultural pressure is real.
At the end of the day, however, you only have one life to live. If you’re making a life changing choice based on the feelings or opinions of someone else, even if it is a parent, you are doing yourself a true disservice.
What have I missed? Are there any limiting beliefs you’ve witnessed that you find fascinating? I would love to read about them in the comments. As always, thanks for reading!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Ian Stauffer on Unsplash
