Until some time ago, tips about self-love and self-worth used to feel so abstract. I guess that until we feel a real sense of self-worth, we don’t know what it really feels like.
Our self-worth impacts our love life and money manifestation. As I’m regaining my sense of self-worth, I’m beginning to have a better idea of what it feels like.
Just like learning how to ride a bicycle, while it might be hard to describe how it actually feels to someone else, sharing a few tips can support the learning itself.
Tip #1: the quality of your inner voice
How our inner voice talks to ourselves is often a reflection of how our closest loved ones used to talk to us since childhood.
Since we become familiar with the quality of these talks, we often don’t notice if they are healthy or not until we pay close attention to them.
Some time ago, a friend pointed out how I was being critical of myself by saying that I’m not good at sports.
I realized that if I didn’t say this kind of thing to a child or a loved one, then I was just being mean to myself as if I was not worthy of respect.
That was the day I decided to change the quality of my inner voice, speaking to myself and of myself with respect.
I try my best to eliminate negative descriptions and “shoulds” when talking to myself. For example, instead of saying how I’m not good at something, I’d say that I’d love to improve at it someday.
This might sound silly at first, but I did notice how with time, my perception of self heightened, since I no longer treat myself as a peasant, but instead as someone more worthy.
Tip #2: how you carry yourself
Aside from a critical inner voice, I’ve noticed how many of us might accidentally carry ourselves as if we were peasants.
One of the telling signs is being overly people-pleasing, with little concern or honoring of ourselves.
We apologize too much, are too afraid of making any mistake, and might even act as if we are less capable or valuable compared to other people around us.
This is often due to growing up in an environment where we were neglected or even mistreated.
And if we grow up learning that mistakes are often punished, instead of having support to learn how to fix situations, then we often become hyper-vigilant of other people to avoid any potential punishment.
A fun exerise: if you try to picture myself as royalty instead, how would it feel like? How would you carry yourself in front of others?
After I started becoming more aware of how I carry myself, I began to implement changes in my habits.
I become mindful of my behavior as if I’m my own coach, and I also treat myself as a precious piece of live art.
I don’t feel arrogant or superior to anyone. What I learned is to interact and connect with other people as individuals, appreciating the connection we have at the moment rather than worrying about social status.
Another interesting aspect is that sometimes, people tend to treat others with a certain level of authority or fame as if they are more special, and accidentally carry themselves as inferior in front of them.
But this often creates distance as these people are often just fellow human beings, also yearning for genuine connections as equals.
Tip #3: how you take care, honor and adorn yourself
Do you shove food down your throat or take a bath as if you’re just carrying on with tasks on the daily to-do list? Or do you take the time to savor each moment and honor yourself like a lover would do?
Do you take the time to learn what to feed yourself or what you need to be healthy?
Do you get impatient with getting better during sickness, or do you pamper and honor your time for rest?
With time, I’ve noticed how I’ve been careless and even rough with how I take care of myself. I would push my body to the limits just to carry on with tasks, without much care if I’m wearing my body out without proper rest.
Basically, I was treating my own self as a peasant.
In time, I learned to treat myself better in many small ways, as if I’m my own lover.
I would put on lotion with love and indulgence, feeling each touch and pampering. And I would rest whenever I needed, honoring the needs of my body and mind like a precious art.
In time, I also found a new sense of joy in dressing myself with clothing styles and jewelry that really excited me and made me smile whenever I looked in a mirror.
We often don’t realize, but these changes can affect how we feel about ourselves subconsciously.
I treated myself more and more as royalty instead of a peasant, and over time, I began to feel more confident and open to receiving more from life.
This can be applied to how we take care of children as well. I noticed that I often used to hurry up in bathing my child or feeding him. But now I try to be more mindful about it. I honor his worth by pouring love into how I take care of him so that he learns he is worthy of proper, loving care and handling rather than being someone to be hurried when being taken care of.
Tip #4: types of situations you put yourself in
I realized this recently.
When we have a certain level of self-worth, we don’t allow ourselves to risk or suffer in certain situations below our standards.
For example, I noticed how in love, I hardly put myself in certain risky situations whenever I was open to meeting someone.
I have no issue filtering out people who showed signs of wishy-washiness, but I did notice some people struggle with this and start to chase others. The difference is that my inner logic simply assumed it was a lack of compatibility, and that I deserved someone who showed unwavering interest in me, while other people might often internalize it as something about themselves being wrong (which brings us back to tip #1, since when we grow up used to criticism towards us, we tend to automatically wonder if there’s something wrong with us before we determine if there’s something wrong with someone else).
On the other hand, compared to some people, I’ve allowed myself to be in certain painful situations for far too long when they would find it easier to get themselves out of these situations.
Someone who does not have enough self-worth might often put themselves in situations where it can even become dangerous, simply because they subconsciously either believe they are the ones with the problem, or they don’t believe they could get better.
This can actually be very tricky to overcome, and it requires inner work to gradually see situations clearer.
For example, looking back, some situations would surely trigger a repelling gut-level reaction in me today. But it was still a huge blind spot for me back then when it happened.
Another fun exercise: if you treat yourself as royalty, what kind of situation would you not tolerate? How would royalty decide what situations are worth their presence, and what situations are below their standards?
Tip #5: voicing your needs and desires
I confess that this is something I’ve had a hard time working on.
I used to struggle to ask for what I needed in certain relationships, worrying that I didn’t deserve what I asked for and that the other person would feel bothered or even leave me.
Truth is, even if we can convince ourselves that we shouldn’t ask for a certain need to be met, it would still be there.
Everyone has needs and relationships do require compatibility in needs to work out.
The reason I had a hard time honoring my own needs was that I grew up in an environment where my emotional needs weren’t honored, and I’ve gotten used to repressing or even criticizing myself for having them.
Do you have any need or desire that you feel insecure to ask for? Or even feel a gut-level ick reaction when you try to picture requesting someone for a need or desire?
I’ve been on both ends, of being the one who couldn’t directly ask for what I needed or wanted, and being the one whose partner couldn’t directly do so.
And what I can tell you, as the former, is that even if I would successfully repress my needs and desires at the moment, I’d just grow hungrier for them and I’d resent the situation.
And as the later, I would have my partner finally bring everything out at once during an argument, just to leave me clueless and actually feeling unsafe.
Having a partner who can actually voice their needs and desires directly is actually important for emotional safety.
By doing so, I could know what to expect and what makes him happy, without having to ever stress out with the possibility of something not being told.
Besides, I came to realize how the healthier masculine men does love it when we can deliciously voice our needs and desires, and how they can fulfill them.
Even for a feminine person, knowing what can make the other person happy actually inspires us to be more loving and nurturing.
Being vulnerable can be hard, as we put ourselves in a position to be rejected. However, the moment we courageously embrace our needs and desires, and learn how to properly communicate them in a heart-connected way, we also create the possibility for deeper connections.
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Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.
If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:
Different Types Of Counseling That Can Help Improving Your Life
Why You Need to Love Yourself to Love Someone
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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