5 Qualities in a Partner That Most People Overlook

I grew up with a single mom who’s the best at being a mother but the worst when it comes to relationships (she also admitted this to me).

Red flags were everywhere in her ex-husbands. It’s like she kept choosing the wrong person to be with. She knew I realized this thing about her by the time I hit 22.

I felt bad, but there was nothing I could do about it. She wouldn’t listen to me.

Her 3rd marriage was already over too. Who knows, she’ll marry again in a couple of years from now.

But as they say, there’s always a lesson we can learn from the tragedy.

To me, I learned how crucial it is to choose the right person to settle down with. At this point, I’d rather be alone than settle down with the wrong person.

Sure, nobody’s perfect, and no man out there can tick all the boxes in my list, but I’ve seen the pain in my mom’s eyes caused by being with someone who couldn’t love you properly.

The definition of the “right” person doesn’t mean he/she should be flawless. We all know it’s impossible to have. Finding the right person means we know them well enough that they won’t put us in a situation where we lose ourselves.

It’s your willingness to do your best to avoid abusive, narcissistic, and some other toxic people out there.

What are the qualities that they must have? Here are my takes on it:

They see a relationship as teamwork

At least here in Indonesia, women have a lot more expectations of their partners.

They require their husbands to bring home more money than they usually can provide — as if it’s the only way the man proves the love to the woman. It’s very different from what I’ve seen in the Western countries where both the wife and husband are working.

It’s hard to only depend on one person to earn money. School tuition fees for the kids are pricey, and if you live in a big city, life overall is going to be hard.

That’s why it’s important to find someone who’s willing to roll their sleeves to help you out when needed, not only on the financial part but other life problems.

Refrain from thinking that this one is a man’s job and that one is a women’s job kind of mentality.

When you find someone who sees a relationship as teamwork, you’ll have a higher chance of building a long-lasting partnership.

They know how to treat you well

I know this should be a general standard to find good quality in a partner, but you’ll be surprised at how many people out there end up in a physical & emotionally abusive relationship.

My mom is sadly one of them.

My biological dad was abusive and didn’t know how to treat my mom well. I used to see her get bruises all over her body after an argument with him. It’s traumatic.

Finding someone who can treat you with love and respect isn’t actually that hard. You just need to be good at catching red flags earlier while you’re still dating.

And not let your feelings cloud your judgment.

Once you’re better at walking away from those people with those bad behaviors, it’s easier for you to meet the one who knows how to treat you well.

They’re responsible

Nothing feels worse than being with someone who can’t even be responsible for their own emotions. They always put the blame on you and think your happiness is your responsibility.

While in reality, you’re having a relationship with an adult, so it’s expected for them to be in charge of their own feelings.

Aside from that, I’ve also noticed many women are stuck with lazy men. Those who don’t want to work for the family and make their kids starve. My mom married a man like this once, and it remains the biggest regret of her life.

Since then, she has kept telling me to avoid such men as it can wreck my mental health in the long run.

When things get hard, they stick around

Those who’re already in a long-term relationship will agree that relationships are far from being madly in love all the time.

There will be times when you feel like giving up, and the problems seem impossible to solve. But if someone truly wants you in their life, they’ll stick around — no matter what. And this is what you need to look for in a partner.

This quality is rare — if you already found one, you’re the lucky one.

We all think we don’t have control over our love life, but we do. You have the power to choose who you want to be in the first place. So it’s on you what your love life will look like in the future.

Sure, you may not have control if, God forbid, your partner cheats on you but to start it all, you can carefully pick the ones with great qualities like mentioned above.

As my mom always says,

“Life is too short to spend with someone who doesn’t know how to love you as much as you do to them.”

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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