5 Questions That Helped Me Realise I’m With the One

A few years ago I was preparing to propose to my partner. I had no doubts she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But after decades of working in corporate management, I wanted to make sure I’d thought about it from all angles and considered the variables.

Divorce rates are slowly trending down, but this could be due to less people getting married. And I’d want to make sure that I’d done everything in my power to consider this commitment fully, and set myself and my future wife up for success.

So I went to speak with a relationship consultant. And among their many great observations and coaching, the thing that really made a difference for me was the questions they had me think about.

Interrogating yourself from time to time can be a useful way to check the pulse of your relationship. Especially questions that act as a gentle litmus test that sees beyond the superficial (attraction, shared interests, convenience, history) and instead switches the angle you’re looking at your relationship from.

Once I’d gone through the process, I also passed these on to my wife and asked her to think about them from her perspective. We then discussed them and shared our feelings. Some of the things that came up were a little tricky.

Now I’m not saying for a second this would work for everyone. Or even that you should listen to me and follow my actions. But who knows, maybe you’ll get something from me sharing my experience.

And spoiler alert: we’ve been happily together for over a decade, and still going strong.

So here are the questions that really helped me shine a light on things in my relationship so I could feel confident in my marriage.

If someone told you you’re a lot like your partner, would this be a compliment to you?

I always thought it was strange that Mr and Mrs Millhouse looked the same. Blue hair, glasses, kinda nerdy. Funny how Millhouse popped out looking the same too. The lesson for me as a young person is they matched because they looked alike. That all families should look alike, in the same way owners start to look like their pets.

But should couples be the same?

The old adage is opposites attract. They complement each other. They’re two pieces in a puzzle.

So maybe a better question to ask ourselves is ‘Do we feel complimented if we’re compared to them?’ Are they aspirational? Do we think they possess characteristics that are admirable?

I suspect there are a lot of people who would instantly respond to this with ‘Them?! Are you kidding me! I’m not so (insert unimpressive trait here).’

Where I come from, that would be the beautiful part. The fact we’re with someone despite not loving all of them. And if compared to them, the freshest thing in our mind might be the thing that annoys us most about them. There’s a sense of familial familiarity there. Like brothers who fight constantly but would also throw themselves out of a window for each other if they thought it would save their sibling’s life.

I am not like my wife. And that’s excellent. Because marriage is a team sport. Sometimes you need to be Pippen so your wife can be Jordan.

But if you and your partner are similar, that’s also great. If that’s what you want.

Are you truly fulfilled, or just less lonely?

Everyone seems obsessed with the idea we’re living in a loneliness epidemic.

Whether it’s widespread or not doesn’t matter to the individual though. Because if you feel lonely, that’s a potent, visceral experience. And few things are as painful as feeling lonely. It can even damage your health and shorten your life.

So it’s no wonder that people rush to remove that feeling, or even the possibility of it, by jumping into relationships that don’t suit them. A little bit of personality clash is better than a lot of loneliness.

But it’s important to interrogate this early. Because relationships are like wisdom teeth: not everyone has them, and not everyone needs them.

And the longer you leave it, the harder they are to remove. And the more potential hazards they present.

Act fast. Be brutal. And remember that a solution for loneliness isn’t to find people who aren’t right for you. It’s to get better at finding the people that are.

Are you able to be unapologetically yourself or do you feel the need to show up differently to please your partner?

I wasted a year at university pretending I was an artist because of a girlfriend.

She was very cool. Way cooler than me. And I liked getting a little bit of that magic on me. So I started acting like I was some artsy dude. I’d pretend I could paint, and blag my way through parties pretending to be a struggling, starving artist who just hadn’t found his niche.

I’m doing a full body cringe right now thinking about it. Luckily I got out of that relationship before it did any real damage.

A friend of mine was so scared of being alone that he’d tolerate awful people because he needed to feel validated and accepted. But this is an awful spiral to be in. He wasn’t so lucky and lived like this for his 20s and most of his 30s until he figured it out. Thankfully he’s better now, but he regrets those years he wasted trying to please people who didn’t care about him.

If you’re dating with a view to the long-term, make sure it’s someone you can be yourself around. I mean peeing with the door open, farts under the duvet, up front about boundaries kind of real.

If you’re putting on a front, remember two things:

Your partner doesn’t love you, they love this idea of you that you’ve carefully curated. So on their end, it’s not real. And on your end, you can’t really enjoy it
Good luck keeping it up forever

Forever is for the rest of your life. Make sure you get to live as you.

Are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole, or are you only in love with their good side, their potential, or the idea of them?

Everything you love about someone has a dark twin. They’re playful and fun, but might not be able to talk seriously about things. They might smother you with affection, but this might mean they’re also needy or super sensitive.

So if you can’t love these other sides of someone, or at least accept that it’s a package deal, are you really in love with them?

Because as the years go by and the facade drops, you’re going to find more and more exposure to the ‘real them’. The unfiltered, legitimate, crazier than a bag of spanners them. And vice versa.

Your attraction can’t be conditional, or it’s destined to fail.

Would you want your future/imagined child to date someone like your partner?

I love this one. I imagine how I’d advise my son if he brought someone like my current partner home. What would jump out as the key traits? What would I think were good things? What would I worry about?

This 3rd party advice hack is a great way of analysing a lot of things in life. But this one I find particularly powerful, as we all get a little judgemental over who our children date.

And it’s easier to think about compatibility when you’re stepping out from your perspective (influenced by emotions in the relationship). Instead, you’re forced to think about whether this is a good person for someone you care about and are responsible for.

…

There is no magic formula to know if you’re with the right person 100%.

Part of the beauty of relationships is the risk and the lack of certainty. It’s in that tension that the commitment you make to each other means something.

And it’s a feature, not a bug: by being invested, we’re pushed to work on things and see them through.

Like I said at the start, these questions helped me learn a lot about myself and my partner, but it’s by no means a definitive list.

What helped you realise you’re with the one? Or if you haven’t yet found them, what are you doing to try to filter them out from the world around you?

Let me know in the comments and keep the conversation going.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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