Relationships, the word evokes so many emotions depending on who you may ask. Someone in a happy relationship with their partner expresses joy, someone who wants a relationship, longing, someone who just ended one a mixture of varying emotions.
Relationships are one of the key sources of stress among persons. I see it in my private practice all the time. Whether it is with siblings, parents and children or partners it evokes as much sorrow amidst the joy at times.
Relationships add to one’s life, if it is the right one for you – “7 Signs You Have Found the Partner That’s Right For You”. However, on occasions one has to take a difficult step and end a relationship. Even when you are aware of the reasons for ending the relationship rather than settle in it, “5 Signs You Are Settling For Someone You Like But Don’t Love”. There are thoughts and questions that will plague your mind even after it has ended.
These are just some of the questions that may cross your mind.
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First question” What if it is me?” Even when you are the one ending the relationship, especially when you don’t move from one relationship into another. You have time to reflect and in the midst of the reflection you will be able to recall good times, times where it seemed to you as if the partner was right for you.
Well-meaning friends may add to your self questioning, especially if you are in the societal dictated marriageable age group and it seems to be fast evading, and you haven’t laid out any long term plans with a partner ( if it is a long term you are looking for).
The interesting aspect about this is you will question yourself and you will find particular characteristics about oneself, that may have led to the relationship ending. The reality is it takes two for a relationship and when a relationship ends, each party would have played a role in it, no matter how minute it may be. Continuing to just beat up on yourself, doesn’t do anything to solve this. Instead, learn and grow and do better in future relationships.
Another question you may ask yourself “ If only I had patience, maybe it would have worked out?” Many times we find ourselves in relationships that just doesn’t feel right. You know what I mean, that feeling that something, just isn’t as it should be. Yet the fear of loneliness keeps us in the relationship, that ironically can cause more loneliness than when we are alone!
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“Will I ever find a compatible partner?”
Another question you may ask after ending a relationship. You may have considered and realized that this wasn’t the right person for you. However, if this is another in a long line of ended relationships you may then begin wondering this.
There’s no easy answer to this and it comes down to simply knowing what you bring to a relationship firstly, and what are the keys things you need in a partner that you will not compromise on. Deciding this before a relationship, will make it a little easier to cope, though not comforting as you count another relationship that ends. Better to end than subject yourself to a life of unhappiness.
A fourth question you may ask yourself “ Am I unrealistic in my expectations of a partner?” This would indeed be something you need to explore. It is very easy for us to find the fault in others, but hard to see it in ourselves. There isn’t a perfect person out there, after all none of us ourselves are perfect! It really will come down to the values, standard and characteristics you first offer and what you wouldn’t compromise on likewise from a partner. A period of truthful introspection will reveal such, if you let it.
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A final question you may ask yourself, though we don’t want to admit it…“Did I truly love my partner?” This question will determine indeed the true motive for ending the relationship.
Quite often when a relationship is ended by someone they blame and state a long list of varying factors that led to that point. However, in some cases, it could be that while you shared some level of affection for the partner, you didn’t truly love them.
Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying.. I am in no way saying that when you love someone you should stay and not be treated with respect, love and appreciation in return. It is just much easier to walk away from someone you didn’t truly love, and so, after taking a good period of reflection on this question you may or may not realise that while you truly cared about the person, you couldn’t enjoy pastimes with them, and was often annoyed by little annoyances that crop up in the best of relationships over time!
Relationships do they take effort…even great ones, trusting that you offer similar to what you want in a relationship, be encouraged and stay hopeful . Continue to remain willing to open your heart to a new experience with someone…because you never know…the next relationship..could be the one you have been waiting for…Until then keep learning and growing from the ones that just don’t work out.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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