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Before I met my wife, I was a “Dating Jerk” in college—I mean for the first three years of my undergrad degree I dated a lot of women and was a jerk to most of them.
I’m not proud of that fact, but I’m owning it.
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During those dating days I usually saw someone two or three times, than stopped pursuing or engaging with them.
Back then there was no texting or email, just telephones—and I rarely followed up with the women I casually dated.
In hindsight, here are the five main reasons for my jerky behavior.
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General Immaturity
Like most guys, I was very immature during my late teens and early 20s.
The vast majority of the instances where I didn’t call a girl back after a great date, were mainly driven by my lack of experience and understanding of relational dynamics.
There was no malicious intent or purposeful nastiness, I just didn’t know any better at the time. I didn’t think it was a big deal, which as I write it, seems incredibly rude, insensitive and clueless—which is best summed up in the word “immature.”
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Selfishness
At the other end of the spectrum were the instances where I was grossly selfish.
Whether it was my incorrect perceptions of boredom, lack of chemistry, attraction, compatibility, or whatever—it was selfish of me not to extend the courtesy of a phone call to provide closure to another human being.
Again, I’m not proud of when I acted that way, but I have to admit when I behaved badly.
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Poor Follow Through
This was an issue I had throughout high school and early college. While I was great at starting projects, jobs, chores, assignments…etc.—I was not great at actually completing those tasks.
Regrettably, that pattern of behavior also flowed seamlessly into my relationships and dating habits.
However, once I started receiving similar feedback from a variety of sources that included professors, employers, friends, and casual dates—I started to recognize that I had a behavioral issue that needed to be addressed.
Thankfully, I worked with patient guidance counselors and professional mentors who helped me value the need to finish something rather than just starting it.
Slowly, that positive habit manifested in my relationships as well.
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Too Much Time Passed
One of the reasons I had poor follow through in college was due to the fact that I also had substandard time management skills.
Juggling two part-time jobs with a full-time student academic workload was challenging enough, but any additional relationship or dating requirements tossed into that mix were more than I could effectively manage.
Because I was paying for college myself, I tended to focus more on my jobs and academics rather than the women I dated.
As such, it was very common for three or five days to pass before I realized that I hadn’t spoken with my last date in several days.
At that point, I was scared to pick up the phone and try to explain why I hadn’t called in so long.
Each day that passed added to my inactive inertia—it was simply easier not to call. Whether that was actually driven by fear or laziness, I attributed it at the time to the mere passage of time rather than a personal character flaw.
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Self Doubts
Of all the reasons why I never called a girl back, this is the one that hurts the most.
On several occasions I had great dates with some really awesome women—each time I was almost euphoric when we parted, anxious for the next chance to spend time together again.
But then I’d somehow manage to talk myself out of it.
Usually, my internal talk track would make me doubt myself with negative thoughts such as, “She’s out of your league,” or “She’ll dump you once she really gets to know you,” or “You don’t deserve to be in a happy relationship” and so on.
I was prone to believe those kinds of self-defeating lies.
So to avoid from being hurt or rejected by a great woman—I would effectively nuke the relationship before it even started.
I’m sure it was a combination of low self esteem and unhealthy defense mechanisms but avoidance seemed to “protect” me from both unhappiness and happiness.
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Of course this list is not exhaustive and it intentionally excludes the cliched “…I’m just not that into you…” — since I’m trying to provide insight beyond those six words.
In virtually all instances where I didn’t call a woman back—it was more an issue with me than with her. I clearly see how those potential relationships died at the hands of my own jerkiness.
Lucky for me, my last experience dating a woman—whom I intentionally pursued and called back—occurred 20 years ago. She and I have been happily married ever since.
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Similar articles from Tor Constantino include:
4 Ways Guys Can Build Intimacy Into Your Relationships
7 Keys to an Apology to Help Her Forgive You
Guys, Our Anger is Killing Us—Literally
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Photo: iStock
Tor, thanks for a very interesting article! But while I can understand why guy doesn’t call back, I don’t understand why he calls a few months later? Any insight?
Thank you for the awesome article, Tor! Ignore the haters in the comment sections. There are many many more people out there that gain value and never comment. You’re awesome!
Wow Peter – thanks so much for those gracious words, you made my week!
I guess a title like “Reasons Why I Didn’t Call Back Awesome Women I Went Out With During My Travels Along The Path To Self Actualization And Awareness” won’t get as many clicks. I blame the editors.
Guilty as charged Nolan 😉
Thanks for allowing all of us the peek “under the hood”, Tor! You touched on one that I talk about with my single clients all the time – how much time had lapsed, and not knowing how to bridge the gap comfortably. I love the rest of the list and will share it with my gals (and, even though I coach women who are usually in their 40s and beyond, your generous piece offers great insight into what can be behind men disappearing, beyond his not being interested).
Thanks for the gracious feedback Karen! The intent was not to provide an exhaustive list but rather some textured, firsthand experience – while it’s not going to be meaningful to all, hopefully it’s meaningful to some. Thanks again!
This is a good list which resonates with my experience. Most particularly the self doubt rationale. It is most certainly not always ‘he’s just not that into you’.
Thanks Shaun – that was kind of the point of the piece. It was my personal experience that there are other reasons beyond “…he’s just not that into you…” Thanks for sharing!
There is one really strong reason you skipped in this rather male-hating list: You simple didnt found what you were looking for (even if it sounds like a song). You dont have to call back someone you just didnt like and might bring trouble into your life (this applies to both genders)
No male-hating intended in this piece Carlos – and you’re absolutely correct that this list is not exhaustive and it also applies to both genders. Thanks for pointing that out.
You claim it was your reactions and yet you title the article ” why guys…..” . This is an attempt to assume that all men do as you did and when you got called out you switched gears. Truly pathetic dude.
Sorry to disappoint you Jennifer – I wrote about my own personal experience and perspective as a man in the hopes that my insights might resonate with other readers – that was pretty clear in the entire piece. Not sure what’s so “pathetic” about self awareness and personal growth, but oh well….
Spot on, Jennifer. How about: “We met, and just didn’t hit it off. Will assume she’s mature enough to just move on. Which is what I’m doing.”
Thanks for adding to the discussion Honordads – however, I wasn’t writing about the maturity (or lack thereof) regarding the women I dated but rather my own experience. Glad to hear you’ve got it all together.
Maybe a guy doesn’t call back because the woman was a cruel person and the guy’s instincts told him so.
That’s absolutely possible G – in my article I was only describing instances why I didn’t call women back after we had an AWESOME time together. Your reason makes perfect sense under the scenario you raise. thanks for commenting here.
I’m surprised that the simplest explanation is absent from your list–perhaps the guy simply wasn’t interested or didn’t want to pursue anything further? I think it’s fair to say that men and women behave very similarly in this department. Frankly, the whole idea that a man or woman ‘owes’ something to a person they’re dating is ridiculous. Your article suggests that the only reasons men don’t return phone calls are due to their own personal failings or lapses in judgement.
Thanks for the insight and your reasonable perspectives Lauren – I was merely writing from my own experience and specifically pointed out that these were the reasons I didn’t call after I had a GREAT date with somebody. Not reconnecting after a really positive, mutual experience with somebody is kind of jerky. As far as my use of the phrase “owing” something to a person I dated – I was suggesting that I should have treated everyone the way that I wanted to be treated. I don’t think there’s anything ridiculous about the Golden Rule – even when it comes… Read more »
Ridiculous male bashing article. There are plenty of selfish women who don’t call back as well. Also, there are immature women who do not hold themselves accountable and blame there every failing on men.
James – thanks for sharing your thoughts, you’re absolutely right that selfishness is not exclusive to a gender. However, I was sharing my personal experience as a guy – trying to express why I didn’t call back the dozens of women I had dated. Thanks again for reading and commenting.