Tor Constantino says taking your long-term relationship to the next level requires a new level of intimacy.
There’s an old saying that goes like this …
Men use intimacy to get sex, women use sex to get intimacy.
I don’t know how valid that statement is, but I do know that every woman I have ever met craves more intimacy with the man whom they’re in a serious relationship with.
At its most basic definition, intimacy suggests a mutual sharing that benefits both individuals. There are a variety of types of intimacy that include shared ideas, feelings, experiences, or physical contact.
Each of us needs some degree of connection across each of those areas, and here are four areas guys can focus on to help foster a deeper level of intimacy within their long-term relationships.
Society and tradition tend to condition men to be tough and hard. In fact, “hardness” is inextricably woven into the very identity of manhood and virility—if you doubt it, the billions spent each year on ED drugs will tell you otherwise. The need to be tough, proud, hard, and rugged defines who we are as men—if we allow it.
We need to redefine manhood as a combination of strength with vulnerability. Believing in principles and ideals is a strength. Providing and protecting yourself and those who depend on you is strength. Keeping your word—that is also strength.
It’s equally important to admit when you’re wrong or accepting responsibility for your actions or admitting you don’t have all the answers and you’re uncertain—surfacing those vulnerabilities is a strength that she’ll appreciate, respect and will help build intimacy.
There are two aspects of this. First, there’s the idea of physical closeness where you’re actually in proximity or near the person you love—this is important.
While many people try to make long-distance relationships work, if you want to nurture intimacy in your relationship there is no substitute for being near to her.
The other aspect is the idea of being present. You can physically live for someone in the same dwelling for decades and share a bed with them while still being miles away. If your relationship needs a boost of intimacy, it needs you to step up and be available to her.
3. Intentional Communication
Research finds that men and women communicate differently. On average, women tend to be much more verbal, expressive, and communicative than men. Those are the facts.
It’s impossible to build a strong, intimate relationship without strong, intimate discussions and shared communication. If you care about her and want to build a more intimate, secure relationship—talk with her.
It’s easier said than done, but one easy way to get started is to intentionally block 20-30 minutes of your schedule to chat on the phone or over coffee every day if possible. If you make time for exercise, gaming, or hanging out with guys from work, you owe it to her to make time for her as well.
4. Focused Attention
Once that block of time is established with her, make the most of it.
Engage her. Focus on her. Converse with her.
Ask her questions and listen to what she wants to tell you. When she asks you a question provide a little color and context beyond a single-word response.
There’s perhaps no better way to demonstrate focused attention and the value you place on another individual than by participating in a thoughtful conversation.
Intimacy requires an investment in time, energy, and commitment. It’s not for everyone, but if you want your relationship to advance and mature it’s a necessary step.
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