You always ask yourself the same question.
Will I find love? Yes, you will, but you can’t see that when facing a crisis of confidence. If you’re newly dumped or divorced, it’s even murkier.
It’s more worrisome the older you get, too. You think all the good partners are gone, but that’s not true.
The uncomfortable truth is you aren’t ready to date yet.
You think you are, but you aren’t. You’re subconsciously sabotaging yourself.
I rushed back into dating after my divorce before I was ready. I learned these five lessons. They apply to anyone looking to get back into dating.
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Do it Intentionally
I’m guilty of this. You, too, probably.
You aren’t dating with intention. You date for the sake of dating. Maybe your friends are all locked down. Maybe you’re lonely. Perhaps you’re just bored.
Walking the dating streets without directions will only lead to heartbreak and frustration for you and those you encounter. If you don’t care about others, that’s a different article and part of the problem.
Just remember that ‘hurt people, hurt people’. This was me after my divorce. I just wanted casual. It made things worse for me and others.
Look, there is nothing wrong with just wanting to date casually or not wanting to settle down. But be upfront about it and clear with yourself about what you want and don’t want. Otherwise, you’re just wasting everyone’s time.
That’s what being intentional means: knowing what you want, being clear about it, and aligning your actions and words with that vision. If you are looking for a life partner, that’s great.
Ensure the people you are dating know that and are looking for the same thing. You’re not out there playing games or tricking people. If someone isn’t looking for the same thing, leave them be.
What do You Want?
You know everything you hate about the people you’ve been with. What about the good things? Did they have qualities you liked?
If “they were hot” is all you can think of, this will be harder.
How can you find it if you don’t know what you’re looking for? Give it some thought. What kind of partner are you looking for? What type of relationship are you looking for? I would even go as far as writing down your perfect relationship. How do you and your partner show up for that?
What do you do with your partner? Are you both chasing a shared dream or inspiring each other to reach a separate dream or goal? Are you helping each other grow?
If all you focus on is what you don’t want, that’s all you’ll get. You have no interest in the jerks and players, but they’ll be the ones that keep chasing, and you’ll be miserable. You’ll also keep putting yourself in the position to find more of them.
Getting clear on what you want will make putting yourself in the right situations easier.
Anyone who has tried the free dating apps knows what I’m talking about. The free ones are usually a waste of time. Most people there want validation.
Source: My plenty of fish account after my divorce.
You Haven’t Moved On
It’s going to happen at some point. Will you be ready?
Your date will ask you about your past relationships. Why didn’t they work?
When my first date after divorce asked me this, emotions came pouring out of my mouth like projectile vomit. It was almost an out-of-body experience. I just destroyed my ex and made myself look like a victim.
It’s not that I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. It just showed I hadn’t moved on yet. I wasn’t ready to date. I forgot one major thing.
Relationships take two people. I played a part as well. Of course, I didn’t realize that at the time. Realizing that helped me heal and move on. All my date could see was the ramblings of an emotional lunatic.
Shocker, I never heard from her again.
You should be able to discuss your exes without getting emotionally charged. You should be able to discuss what happened or be adult enough to say things didn’t work. That will at least buy you some time.
But be aware that you must answer the question honestly if you hope to have a future with your date. If all you can do is point fingers, you have a lot of learning to do about relationships and yourself.
Reliving the Same Mistakes
Pointing fingers is a great Segway.
It’s easy to paint yourself as a victim. Being objective about yourself takes a lot of self-awareness and work.
Look at all your relationships that didn’t work. Can you see common threads in your partner’s behavior and your own?
Can you admit you were wrong? Can you admit to making mistakes? More importantly, can you correct them so they don’t keep happening?
My divorce had a catalyst event that ended everything. But if you removed that event, we would still have gotten divorced at some point. We were never a good match.
I know that now, but I didn’t when everything went down. I needed perspective, which I gained by taking time to heal and working on myself. We both played a role in things failing.
I’m cool with that and the outcome, but I did a lot of work to ensure it wouldn’t happen again. It was a gradual process with ups and downs.
After the divorce, I had good and bad relationships. It’s impossible not to backslide while you’re learning, but I made it.
I’ve been married to my dream partner for almost four years. I’m aware enough to know when I’m behaving like I used to, and I correct it as soon as possible. I have no problem apologizing and listening to my partner’s point of view.
This is the first healthy relationship I’ve been in. I owe it all to refusing to relive the same relationship mistakes.
Are You Dateable?
You deserve the best. So do I.
But if you don’t bring your best to the table, and vice versa, neither of us will attract the best of what we want. Does that make sense?
It’s like an overweight couch potato trying to date a fitness model. They won’t be attracted to you, so you must reach their level.
Yes, I know, what’s on the inside is more important. Unfortunately, attraction is not a choice. You either feel attracted, or you don’t. Now, you can build attraction with time.
But getting your foot in the door will be more challenging if you aren’t attractive to the other person. It’s just how the world works.
Nobody is perfect. We all have things we can improve on. Be honest about what you need to work on. If you can’t, you’ll have to adjust your expectations downward.
That doesn’t mean you have to have everything together but don’t expect someone who has it all together to be interested in waiting for you to get it together. Why should you expect someone to take a risk when they don’t know if you’ll follow through?
It’s not their job to save you. At least be in the process of getting your stuff together. I didn’t find a decent date until I did this.
You keep looking around and passing blame, but you are the only constant in every situation. It’s not that every man or woman is damaged or broken. It’s you. You’re damaged and broken.
Take responsibility for yourself and fix it.
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This scratches the surface.
Plenty of other reasons exist, but these are the most obvious to impartial bystanders. Think about how your dating experience is going.
Do you see yourself on the list above? It’s okay if you do. We’ve all been there. It’s different this time, however.
You now know where you are getting stuck. Use that information to change your behavior and watch your results improve.
I know it won’t be easy, but it’s worthwhile. Honestly, your success in dating depends on it. If you keep showing up as yourself and getting the same results, something has to change.
There’s nothing wrong with knowing you aren’t ready to date yet. But there is plenty wrong with continuing to do the same thing and getting mad when you get the same results.
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Are you divorced and struggling to pick up the pieces? Not sure where to even start? Get my free Divorce Reboot Guide here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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