5 Reasons Your Conversations Grind to an Embarrassing Halt

Ever had someone make their excuses and leave while you’re trying to tell a story?

You’ve done the hard work to capture their attention, started a conversation, then suddenly…

“Sorry, I’ve got to go. Nice to meet you!”

This can be demoralising, especially when it’s a romantic interest or someone you were keen to impress.

This guide will help you avoid this situation and inspire people to want to keep talking to you.

It features 5 reasons why your conversations grind to an embarrassing halt, plus how to avoid them.

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1. You’re stuck in the present tense. Move it to the past or future.

Whenever a conversation stays in the present tense, it’s seconds away from grinding to a sudden halt. But if you move it to the past or future tense, it will live on endlessly.

Let’s say you’re looking at some ancient Asian temple..

Here’s what it might sound like in the present tense:

“This is a nice temple.”

“Yes it is.”

“I like the colours.”

“Mmm.”

*conversation dies*

There’s only so much you can mention in the present tense, but here’s an example of moving it to the past…

“I bet the person who made this temple did it to try and impress some woman. Maybe he built her a tuk-tuk first, but that wasn’t good enough, so he thought he’d build an entire building just like Noah from The Notebook…”

And here’s how you could move it to the future…

“I wonder what it’s like to live in a temple. Maybe we should move into a temple together. I bet it would be fun for the first couple of weeks, but then we’d get sick of the bright colours and all the tourists visiting…”

Since the past and the future are endless, you can talk and talk forever. Since you’re speculating, there’s no limit to how entertaining you can make the story. The more you entertain people, the longer they’ll want to stay.

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2. You’re desperate for the conversation to go well. Let go and let it flow naturally.

We’ve all been in conversations with people we really want to impress. The problem is: these people can feel that desperate energy and it makes them uncomfortable.

You’ve probably felt this yourself from someone who’s overly keen to make friends.

No-one wants to be around this needy energy. So, even if you’re good at keeping conversations going, the other person will cut you off and leave.

A defining aspect of interactions like this is one person being terrified of awkward silences. This desperate person will blab about anything to avoid a silent moment. It’s completely unnatural and a telltale sign of needy/nervous energy. Perhaps you’ve experienced it on a first date…

The funny thing is: silences don’t have to be awkward. That’s up to you to decide.

You probably have long pauses in the conversation on a road trip with your friends and family. Notice how these don’t feel awkward at all.

A silent moment on a first date could be made extremely seductive, especially if you stare at your beau with a relaxed and confident glint in your eye.

So, I challenge you to start leaving short pauses in your conversation on purpose. Relax into these silences and maintain eye contact during them. This will make you look like a confident speaker, and you’ll often find the other person acts to keep the conversation going.

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3. You’re stuck in smalltalk. Get to the point quicker.

There’s a time and place for smalltalk. Around the water cooler at work. After-work drinks with your buddies. When your date is still getting ready and you’re stuck chatting with her roommates. These are occasions when you don’t want anything other than to chit-chat.

But, on most occasions, you approach strangers because you want something. And they know it.

The hottie at the bar knows you want to hit on her. The bigshot at the networking event knows you want to pitch something.

So, if you don’t get to the point, it gets uncomfortable.

And when things get uncomfortable, people tend to walk away.

That’s why it’s best to respect people’s time and get to the point quicker.

People get stuck in smalltalk because they’re nervous to ask for what they want. They tell themselves that building more rapport increases their chances of getting it. But, in reality, it usually leads to the other person getting bored and leaving.

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4. You’re alienating their friends. Address the whole group.

It doesn’t matter how fun and interesting you are. If you start a conversation with someone and ignore their friends, this will kill it stone dead. This is especially true if you approach a pair and only address one person, leaving their friend with no-one to talk to.

In some cases, another member of the group will drag everyone away from you. In others, your target will feel her friends getting restless and make her excuse to leave.

When approaching a group of people, you need to address everyone. The guide below explains how to do this in more detail.

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5. You’re boring. Learn to spice up your conversations.

When you interrupt a stranger’s day, it’s up to you to be more exciting than what they were already doing. Fail this task and they’ll find an excuse to go back to their more entertaining activity.

If you’re struggling to make conversations last longer than a minute or so, you may need to work on your story-telling.

You can’t impress everyone all the time. Some people might be in a bad mood. Others might not be your type of people. But it never hurts to tune up your conversational skills. The more charismatic you become, the more people you’ll hook into your wonderful tales.

The guide below will help you work on your vibe, vocal projection and use of vocabulary.

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My articles teach young men how to escape their comfort zones, improve their mental health and make better dating decisions. Follow me on Medium for more useful advice.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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