5 Red Flags We Need to Stop Romanticizing

We’ve all done it: fallen head over heels for red flag behavior. Turned toxic patterns into romantic grand gestures that we just can’t get enough of. Became addicted to unhealthy patterns that should send us running for the hills.

Blame it on the rom-coms, our attachment styles, our childhood trauma, or the way many of us mistake chaos for love. No matter the cause, we need to stop glamorizing hurtful behavior and dynamics and start acknowledging them for what they really are.

Here are five red flags we romanticize… and why we should avoid them.

1. They’re Jealous

It’s easy to convince ourselves that jealousy is a green flag. “He’s jealous because he’s so in love with me!” We confuse possessiveness and controlling behavior with protection and interest.

The reality is that jealousy can be a sign of abuse. It’s a way that people mask their insecurity, control issues, or fear of being abandoned. Healthy love will never need to control your relationships with friends or family, your social media or your phone.

2. They’re Emotionally Unavailable

It’s easy to mistake an emotionally unavailable person as busy, independent, and even mysterious. And sometimes, we even get addicted to the idea of Florence Nightingale Syndrome. If we can fix them, it will be like something out of a Jennifer Aniston movie.

But you aren’t a therapist — and you shouldn’t chase after someone who needs fixing. You deserve someone who matches your efforts when it comes to communication and commitment.

3. The Relationship Feels Intense Early On

We’ve all been there: instant soulmate vibes. No relationship has ever felt this way before. They make you feel like you’re the only gal (or guy) in the world.

But here’s the reality: if it feels almost too good to be true, it probably is. If they’re showering you with gifts, taking you on gifts, and talking about your future wedding on date two, they’re most likely love bombing you. Sadly, these things will fade over time and you will realize that there’s something else at play. You’re likely dealing with a manipulator or narcissist.

4. They’re “Almost Ready” to Commit

It can seem appealing at first: they’re getting their life together and working on themselves before they’re able to commit to you. And while this can be the case for some people, the hard reality is that it can also be an excuse for someone who has no real intentions of ever committing. If you hit the three month mark and they’re still not ready to commit, it’s time to reevaluate the situation and move on.

5. They Say “I Don’t Deserve You” or “You Can Do Better Than Me”

It can be flattering to hear your partner thinks you can do better than them. In some cases, it might even seem like they have us on a pedestal. But comments like “I don’t deserve you” or “you can do better than me” are likely confessions. They’re letting you know that they’re unwilling to show up in all the ways that they should be.

When someone tells you that they’re incapable of love or treating you right, listen to them the first time.

The Bottom Line

Love shouldn’t feel toxic. You shouldn’t feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster or like you need to read mixed signals. Movies, shows, and songs have taught us that it’s okay for a relationship to be hot and cold and that it’s OK for love to hurt. We find validation in proving our worth or seeking out a challenge.

So, the next time you find yourself dealing with someone who demonstrates these red flags, don’t romanticize them. Recognize it and move on. Someone better for us, someone who shows up for us in the same way we show up for them, will come along.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.