Sitting in a plush blue chair in my therapist’s office a couple of years ago, I felt pain and anxiety. I usually came to her about my experiences with trauma, but not this time.
What felt more serious and pressing at that time was this: being single.
“I just feel like a partner is the puzzle piece I’m missing,” I said. “I have good friends. I enjoy my clubs. But I want a relationship.”
Looking back on that version of myself now, I feel sad. Having a romantic relationship isn’t everything — nor is putting up with unsatisfying relationships just to avoid singleness.
But I felt so insecure, so desperate, so lonely.
I believed in many common relationship myths that hurt me for way too long.
I want to share those myths and my experiences with you in hopes I can save you the time I wish someone saved me.
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Myth #1: I can change my partner’s desires
I used to date guys who wanted to be “casual.” They didn’t want a committed relationship or, frankly, anything that came with that.
I didn’t feel totally satisfied, but I figured things could change. Maybe I could convince them we could be more… or at least act like it.
But we didn’t. I continued to feel disappointed and unimportant. They didn’t want to be exclusive faster, or at all. Eventually, we fell apart.
How to overcome this
We have to realize we can’t change what other people want, and we probably shouldn’t try to, really.
People have their boundaries, their needs, their reasons, all of which rarely have to do with us. And that’s just it.
All we can really do, at that point, is know our worth and find someone who has similar desires.
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Myth #2: If my partner and I break up, I’ll never find love
As mentioned previously, I spent years in college obsessed with how unhappy I was about being single. I talked to therapists about how much it hurt and how insecure I felt.
So when I found people who were interested in me, I clung on tightly — too tightly. I was afraid I would never find anyone again.
I put up with less than I wanted and deserved for a chance at love (that wasn’t really there).
How to overcome this
First, realize that being single isn’t the worst thing in the world — in fact, it has its perks.
Brainstorm potential pros. Is it making out with random strangers at bars? Not being tied to another person? Having less drama in your life?
Then, remind yourself that feelings aren’t facts. Just because you worry you’ll be single forever doesn’t mean you will.
In fact, to have the time and space for the relationships you really want, you have to let go of the ones you don’t.
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Myth #3: Repeatedly making excuses for my partner isn’t a warning sign
“Oh, they’re just busy.”
“They didn’t mean it like that.”
Those are examples of excuses I made for partners who “breadcrumbed” and “paperclipped” me. It helped me feel better in the moment, which I needed desperately.
But in the long run, making those ongoing excuses hurt me.
How to overcome this
At some point, you have to stop making excuses for people and be honest with yourself about the relationship.
Talking to friends and family can help with this.
It’s hard, I know, but it’ll help you find your soulmate faster.
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Myth #4: I don’t deserve someone who treats me well
I’ve experienced a good bit of sexual and emotional mistreatment, which has affected my self-esteem on a deep level.
When I dive into those feelings and thoughts, I realize I struggle to believe I deserve a healthy relationship with my soulmate. I don’t see that as being something that’s “in the cards” for me.
This sentiment reminds me of the quote in “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”:
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Ouch.
How to overcome this
A big part of recovery in this area of life is therapy. Talking to professionals, practicing affirmations, and speaking to yourself like you’d speak to a friend.
It’s about realizing you aren’t your past, the cause of your past, or “the bad guy.”
It’s about realizing your future doesn’t have to be your past, nor do you inherently deserve pain because you’ve felt it before.
It’s about finding the good in who you are and trusting people who not only love you, but who show you that wholeheartedly.
All of this takes work, but it’s worth it.
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Myth #5: My needs don’t matter
I’ve always been a people-pleaser. It’s how I avoid guilt and feel safe.
After engaging in this (unhealthy) behavior for years, I began to feel like my needs didn’t matter.
I feared if I advocated for myself, I’d come across as selfish or needy, which — for some reason — terrified me.
And then, I got caught up in toxic relationships where I felt unhappy.
How to overcome this
I completely turned my mindset around with one sentence from one Instagram post by psychologist Nicole LePera:
“2020 Vibes: I no longer need to betray myself to receive love.”
When I realized how true this was and how, again, my feelings weren’t facts, I felt so much better.
I stood up for myself in relationships. I set and stuck with my boundaries, even (and especially) when it was hard.
And it’s been an incredible experience.
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Takeaways
It’s easy to believe the harmful myths about relationships that seem so common — especially if you’ve experienced abuse of some kind.
If you feel you’re not good enough, or you don’t matter, or you need a partner, know this: You’re not alone. I’ve struggled too, but…
I’ve also realized the truth, and you can too.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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