In his book The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt does a phenomenal job of detailing the confidence crisis our children are currently experiencing.
In-person communication is at an all-time low, and more and more children are getting diagnosed with anxiety and depression, often at younger ages than in previous years. Kids don’t know how to communicate or challenge themselves anymore, either.
And what is it costing us?
“To thrive, kids need to trust in their own capabilities while, at the same time, knowing that they can handle it if they aren’t successful at something.” — Child Mind Institute
Kids don’t know how to navigate the world without the padding of an iPhone or tablet in hand. They require reassurance that situations are going to go exactly the way they want it to, trophies and all.
(I’m GenZ, and even my generation who got phones a little later in childhood struggles with this too — myself included.)
Kids formerly normal social interactions have been largely transferred to the digital realm — whether it be asking someone out on a date or asking a teacher if they can go to the bathroom.
More than that, as a society, we’ve forgotten what kids are and aren’t capable of. We’re afraid of letting kids talk to any stranger or go out in public at all, but we let them roam the digital world free of restriction. We also let them make it through adolescence without ever having any serious responsibilty, too — and then send them into the world, frustrated that they can’t survive on their own.
All of that to say, we have a problem.
Our kids are more anxious than ever, with no real end in sight. Parents are struggling to figure out how to not helicopter parent their kids — but how to make sure they make it into the world capable, competent, and confident enough to be who they need to be and do what they need to do.
Simple, right?
…
⇆ The dichotomy of parenting in all of this…
The bind parents find themselves in is simple in definition, although complicated in the real world. It’s the fight between controlling our children and dictating how they live their life, and helping them to live life on their own, led by their own values and decision making.
“Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it. We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.” — Brené Brown
In a way, every parent wants both. They want the reassurance of a child who can fend for themselves and represent the family well. At the same time, they want the peace that control can temporarily bring.
…
What is confidence?
I’m going to define confidence, for the sake of this article, in two ways. The first is a reliance on a support system. Confident kids know that they have something to fall back on. They know that their family, their mentors, and their friends have their back — even if they screw up miserably.
They know that the love they experience isn’t based on performance. It’s not based on goals scored, on grades received, or on any thing they produce.
“Confidence doesn’t come from other people telling us we’re enough. Confidence comes from feeling good enough inside.” — Dr. Becky Kennedy
The second kind of confidence that I want to focus on is a child’s own reassurance in their abilities. Confident children believe in their ability to handle situations, in their ability to regulate emotions and figure out what to do.
The best and simplest example of a confident kid vs. an unconfident kid is a child who gets lost at a large place, like a theme park. An unconfident kid (i.e. probably me as a kid…I had a really bad anxious phase) would probably huddle in a corner, freaking out until they were found or someone discovered that they were all alone without a parent nearby.
A confident kid, however, would properly appraise the situation and do what was they needed to do. They would find an adult to help them, or maybe go back to where they lost their family, or the next place they talked about meeting.
This child probably knows their parent’s phone number, and could readily recall it to ask an employee if they could borrow their phone, resolving the situation in moments.
Confident kids trust that the resources for success are out there — if only they’ll have the courage to reach out and use them. Whether they’re lost at a theme park, or lost in life — they know that this is how life works.
…
#1: Let them meet new people
Kids limited to the same safe and familiar community are destined to not know how to interact with others.
Don’t just let your kids meet new people, help to meet all kinds of people. Meeting different kinds of people will help your child to better navigate different social situations, and also be less judgmental and more adaptable to new circumstances governed by different rules.
They’ll learn about privilege, racial and national differences, culture, and how big and vast our world really is through meeting different kinds of people.
In the movie, Wonder, it’s quickly shown that one of the kids at the main character Augie’s new school is a bully. When you see his parents later on in the movie, it starts to become obvious why he’s so unsure of how to handle Augie and his facial deformity.
“Auggie can’t change how he looks. Maybe we should change how we see”. — Mr. Tushman, Wonder
He’s never been exposed to any kind of suffering, in his own life or in the lives of his friends or his parents’ friends.
They’re upper class, and they make sure that everyone knows it — and that they’re friend group is made of people with the same amount of money in their wallets.
I’ve also seen the need for exposure to multiple people play out with kids who just don’t have to handle their own interactions. Many kids, especially in situations where they’re not being properly socialized at schools, never have to deal with people on their own.
Kids need to have playground interactions with other kids, negotiations with people bigger than them, and conversations with adults. All of these experiences help to round out their social competency and prepare them for a life of dealing with different kinds of people.
My cousins are some of the most well-exposed kids I know. They regularly handle conversations with kids of all ages, and are well-versed in how to handle interactions with adults. Whether they’re ordering a meal at a restaurant, or carrying on a conversation with someone at church, they know what to do.
“The greatest sign of success for a teacher … is to be able to say, ‘The children are now working as if I did not exist.’” — Maria Montessori
The bottom line is this: To raise confident and kind kids, you have to expose them to all sorts of things and people. Then, they won’t have to resort to bullying, anxious withdrawal, or other control-based tactics to handle these situations when they arise.
…
#2: Model confidence
To raise confident kids, we have to be confident parents. Kids learn from what they see demonstrated in front of them. If they see love, they learn love. If they see fear, they’ll learn fear. Like Carl Jung said, “Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.”
If you demonstrate confidence and rising up to challenges and struggles, they’ll learn to possess those same qualities and attitudes. Monkey see, monkey do.
[Instead of asking] “What do I do to raise confident kids’ [we should be asking] ‘How should I be to raise confident kids?” — Dr. Vanessa Lapointe
I’ve learned so much from the adults around me, even in adulthood. My campus minister is amazing at apologizing. When he’s afraid he’s done something wrong, even if it’s been days, he reaches out and apologizes from the heart.
Seeing his bravery in doing that has taught me to do the same. Feeling bad? Clear your conscience and reach out. What I love about this approach I’ve adopted is that I was never specifically taught it. I just picked it up from watching someone model it himself. And kids tend to be even more impressionable.
“The question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?” as it is: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”” — Brené Brown
There are so many things I learned from my parents growing up. I learned to question, and to dig deeper — not taking things at face value. I learned to deal with the unkindness of others, through my mom reminding me that everyone is always going through something.
The coaching I received at home, but also the modeling I saw at home, taught me how to be. I learned not to take insults personally, and to never text angry. I learned how to handle my emotions, how to cry and show my feelings, and how to try new things.
My mom raised us on the axim “can’t never did anything”, that her father often repeated to her growing up. We were never allowed to say we couldn’t do something without trying.
“If you think you can’t, change your mind.” — Denis Morton
I was always pushed to do new things, and saw my parents doing the same. Their words were backed up by their actions — and I learned to follow suite.
Seeing their willingness to fail, to grow, and to let things roll off their backs helped me to be more confident in my support from them, and in my ability to navigate the world on my own.
…
#3: Give them opportunities to struggle
I was a soccer coach back in high school. It’s one of my fondest memories, because there’s nothing like watching 2–5-year-olds try and figure out how to kick a ball. I watched shy toddlers shine on the field after getting used to the ball, the game, and playing with others.
Before they ever kick the soccer ball, we have them do something else. They have to kick cones. I love the activity because if a kid is worried about kicking a soccer ball, or doesn’t want to leave their parent’s side, there’s something about a cone that’s more approachable.
It speaks to a kid’s innate desire to be a little destructive.
Kid after kid would run up to the tall orange cone and kick it over with all of their might, especially after watching an adult do it first. That would always break the ice, and free up kids to be ready to kick the soccer ball — often with too much confidence.
“If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.” — Fred DeVito
Soon, they were running around kicking soccer balls, content to let their parents sit on the sidelines and watch.
“Raising children who are hopeful and who have the courage to be vulnerable means stepping back and letting them experience disappointment, deal with conflict, learn how to assert themselves, and have the opportunity to fail. If we’re always following our children into the arena, hushing the critics, and assuring their victory, they’ll never learn that they have the ability to dare greatly on their own.” — Brené Brown
I remember having the same feeling myself of fear turned truimpth during my time in competitive debate. The first time I ever got up to give a debate speech, I got thirty seconds into my speech and started crying. Granted, the speech was terrible, but probably not worth crying over.
I finished out my high school career having won tournaments, going undefeated at one, and enjoying it — with no more tears. It took being pushed a little beyond my limits to get there.
“children learn best by trying something that is just a little beyond their current abilities — in other words, something a slightly older kid is doing. Older kids can also benefit from interacting with younger kids, taking on the role of a teacher or older sibling. So, the best thing you can do for your young children is to give them plenty of playtime, with some age diversity, and a secure loving base from which they set off to play.” — Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation
After that first time, I got up again with some gentle corrections, and made it a minute. After that, a couple of minutes. Then I learned how to ask questions in cross-examination, and create a negative brief. Every loving critique and kind word of encouragement pushed me on.
My mentors, coaches and judges didn’t let me settle for where I was, but praised me all the while. They held the perfect tension of praise and appraisal. I never felt like I was on the line being judged — but rather what I was bringing that tournament or round.
Over time, it got better — and my confidence improved. Not just in my ability to debate, but in my ability to get better at debate.
…
#4: Let them do grown-up things
There’s a difference between parentifying your child and giving them some autonomy, where appropriate. As soon as your child is old enough for routines, habits, rules, and responsibilities, give it to them!
Responsibility is one of the best ways to raise a child well — and it’s something that goes back centuries. The reason I believe the age of accountability in our world has increased so much, and that we’re not considered adults until we’re eighteen is because we made childhood a lot more cushy than it was meant to be.
“If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won even before you have started.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero
Kids need responsibilities, jobs, tasks, and domains of influence. They can be running businesses, helping manage a house, making and saving money, and learning how to be a human being well before they reach the legal age of adulthood.
There’s a four-year-old little girl I babysit last year who is one of my favorite four-year-olds in the whole world. When I showed up to her house and was being given the tour by her mom, I noticed a coffee cup and a smaller cup next to it.
The mom told me that E had to finish her “coffee”. I looked, confused, for a minute, before I realized — it was just a cup of milk. But I know that that morning “coffee” with her mom meant the world to her. Every morning, she knew that she and her mom had coffee together. It was a routine that she looked forward to, and expected.
“Respect your children. Treat them like the person you admire most on earth. I really mean that as a way of life. If you treat your children with respect then they will learn to respect themselves. I can’t think of a better thing to let your kid out into the world with than self-respect.[…] Your job is to keep the path clear so there is nothing they can trip on.”― Thandie Newton
She also knew to pick up her toys, what she was allowed to watch on the TV, and where her cups and plates were. What was more impressive to me than all of that, was why. It was all because her mom had taken time to involve her duaghter in her own life — letting her be an active participant rather than passive observer.
Because of that, her daugher is one of the most confident and responsible pre-K kids I’ve ever seen. And I love her for it.
To help kids be more confident, let them feel like real human beings — coffee mugs, responsibilities, goals and all.
…
#5: Be in charge
Don’t hear me saying that kids need to be in charge of everything in their life in order to be confident. Some parents go too far — giving their kids far too much responsibility, over siblings, over household things, over parents themselves.
I’ve talked to kids before that are concerned about their parents alcohol use, that enforce household rules more than their parents do, and overall are anxious about life. This, in my experience, is often the symptom of parents “slacking off” a little. Or, as it usually goes, focusing too much on the wrong things.
If this is the case, I think the solution is to re-instate yourself as in charge.
Every study on attachment shows that kids who know that their parents are available, authoritative, and relatively in control feel safer. They also are better at reporting to their parents in authority, and trusting in their guidance, even when the parent isn’t physically present with them.
Kids who are raised by adults who are assertive about their values and their love are the ones most set up for success. To raise confident kids, let them have confidence in you, your rules, and your boundaries for them.
They will thrive under your leadership and guidance — and learn to accept your values as their own, with their own individual flair.
“What makes Bluey noticeably different from other children’s programming I’ve tolerated over the years is first and foremost the positive way the parents are portrayed. Their marriage is playful and loving. They are caring and empathetic with each other and with their children. They are involved, and they are in charge. It’s the platonic ideal of a modern marriage, just the blue dogs with Australian accents version.” — Ashley McGuire, Institute for Family Studies
…
Confidence isn’t built in a day. Whether it’s you or your child, you won’t be able to suddenly be able to handle stressful situations with poise and courage overnight. Plus, no one’s perfect or entirely brave all of the time.
One final word I have to share:
I think a lot of people are scared that if their kids are too confident, or have too much audacity, that they’ll use that against their parents. They’re afraid that “confident” will turn into rebellious, and outright disprespectful.
It’s a valid fear. But there’s a different between a confident kid and a kid who isn’t afraid of the consequences. Truly confident kids know that there’s a consequence for every action. They respect authority, when authority respects them, and and they know that they can’t bulldoze people.
“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.” — Joyce Maynard
Confidence gives them the courage to navigate circumstances and a firm belief in their ability to ride the waves of whatever is going on around them and to deal with those in their wake.
And the best way to help give it to them, is to be always trying to find it for yourself. Nothing will help to build a bond with your child more than to be human alongside them — and figure out things together, humbly, and in love.
…
I spent a lot of my childhood as an anxious kid. I had some amazing moments, though. I had some truly confident times where I knew what the possibilities were for me. I made movies, wrote books, played and told stories, and believed in what was possible.
I set goals, talked to new people, and charted new paths of who I could be. If I could change one big thing about my childhood, it would probably be to go back and add more of that. Because everyone around me would have benefitted from a brighter and braver version of me.
“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” — L.R. Knost
It makes parenting easier, and childhood way more fun and fulfilling.
I’m glad raising confident kids is a priority for you — because I think it’ll bring a brighter and more fulfilling life for you and your kids as well.
I hope this list has been useful, and that you have something meaningful to take away on your journey of helping your child be more confident. It’s noble work, and I’m proud of you for taking the initiative to do it the best you can. Wishing you the best of luck.
Kindly, Katie
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
Does dating ever feel challenging, awkward or frustrating?
Turn Your Dating Life into a WOW! with our new classes and live coaching.
Click here for more info or to buy with special launch pricing!
***
—–
Photo credit: Luke Pennystan on Unsplash
