1. Anxious-avoidant dynamic
This has roots in the attachment theory.
To give a brief description, there are two types of people when it comes to attachment and relating to others:
Secure people and insecure people.
No need to explain secure people. Less drama, overall.
Insecure people, however, come in two types as well:
- Those who are anxiously attached.
- Those who are avoidantly attached.
For simplification, we can call them anxious and avoidants.
Anxious want closeness and are, well, anxious and tend to get needy and demanding. Avoidants, on the other hand, seek space and independence a little more aggressively and tend to act cold, distant, and aloof.
Anxious and avoidants are similar.
One compensates for this fear by too much holding on; the other feels safer by creating distance. One chase; the other runs. Both are afraid.
The toxic dynamic happens sooner or later in almost any relationship the partners exhibit even slight tendencies towards those two attachment styles.
It’s when the anxious person gets too close, too needy, and too strong and gets pushed away. And it’s when the avoidant partner starts creating distance and space.
It doesn’t matter who triggered who. It doesn’t matter if something external triggered this dynamic (I believe it’s rare, but it can happen).
One runs away. The other chases.
Photo by Jonny Gios on Unsplash
Here are a few signs the toxic anxious-avoidant dynamic has taken place.
For the anxious:
- Obsessive thinking and ruminating about the relationship.
- Stalking and chasing.
- Not being able to stay away from their partner and trying to create closeness.
- Feeling physical symptoms of anxiety and uneasiness while away from their partner.
- Obsessing about every small detail in the relationship.
- Attempt to control the other person and the relationship.
For the avoidant:
- Feelings of suffocation and being controlled.
- Creating distance and rejecting their partner attempts to create closeness.
- Feeling drained and consumed by the connection in the relationship.
- Feeling physical symptoms of discomfort by any attempt for closeness from their partner.
- Seeking too much independence and refusing to be controlled or connected with.
As you can see, those signs trigger each other. Those attachment styles trigger each other.
That’s one of the main reasons they get attracted to each other. At least initially.
The existence of this pattern in your relationship for too long and too much indicates a problem.
It could be a fatal one. And it could be a normal problem that needs to be addressed.
It becomes fatal in the sense that one of you is too anxious or too avoidant. At least compared to the other person. In such a case, it could be a serious sign of incompatibility.
Or it could be a normal problem that needs to be addressed. It’s a toxic relationship sign, but it can be addressed and dealt with.
People can work to become more secure.
It’s hard work, but it’s doable if you believe it’s worth it and if there’s, in general, a reasonable level of compatibility.
Of course, a secure person can handle an anxious partner as well as an avoidant one. They exhibit some traits and ways of thinking and beliefs that help them do that.
You, too, can move in that direction and become more secure. Or, more precisely, you can tilt your relationship a little bit to the secure side. One day at a time. One step at a time. One kiss at a time. One, “I will give you space and be here around” at a time.
…
2. Get off of my hip!
Creating too much distance in the relationship can be toxic.
BUT, too much closeness is toxic as well.
I see this type of relationship as immature and some sort of a teenager fantasy.
It’s when two people text all day, non-stop. And when they aren’t texting, they’re on a phone/video call. And they just want to always (like, always) meet each other.
This is not romantic. This is toxic.
As Eminem described in his song Desperation:
Cause now you see nothing but me, and I don’t see nothing but you
And I’m about to flip cause we are super glued in
We stuck to each other’s hips and we can’t
Do anything individually, which is to cling on, scared to be alone
Yes, I understand that the first phase of any relationship is usually passionate and strong.
But going this far indicates a deeper issue.
And it breeds all types of toxic behaviors with it such as control, jealousy, possession, resentment, suffocation, and emotional rollercoasters.
Relationships need space and distance to breathe.
Relationships need two individuals who have separate identities and, well, lives and things going on for them.
More importantly, relationships can’t be sustained only on the naïve romantic idea (I don’t mean that romance is a totally naïve idea) that since we love each other, we will be inseparable.
Long-term, healthy relationships need effort, but it’s not the type of effort to be in each other’s company all the time. In fact, that type of effort is unsustainable in the long run and will eventually backfire.
3. The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dr. John Gottman is the go-to expert when it comes to relationships.
His work on relationships is phenomenal. He was able to predict divorce with +%90 accuracy. More importantly, he was able to tell the world what makes a relationship healthy and what destroys it.
One of the things that destroy relationships is, as he calls it, the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse.
Without diving deeper into the symbolic meaning of the term and why he chose it (which I believe is very brilliant of him), those are 4 behaviors that destroy relationships.
The existence of these behaviors is a bad sign. The consistent existence of them is a sure sign the relationship is going south.
They are:
- Criticism.
- Defensiveness.
- Contempt.
- Stonewalling.
Here’s a video that briefly explains them:
Whenever you notice their existence in your relationship, it’s a bad sign. And it’s always a good idea to be aware of them to be able to avoid them. We all slip sometimes and make mistakes.
However, don’t keep doing them and expect your relationships to be secure and happy.
This might make some people squirm, but I will say it.
One of the comments I read in one of his books was that there’s a difference between the two genders when it comes to using those 4 horsemen.
First off, even in happy relationships, those 4 horsemen are there, but way less than in unhealthy relationships. And even though they are there, other positive things override their negative effect to some extent.
That’s true except for one horseman. And that’s contempt. Its existence is always a bad sign that shouldn’t be ignored.
Apart from that, men who use any of these 4 horsemen erode the relationship in more profound ways than when the women use them.
It’s even sometimes better for the woman to (sometimes only) use one of the 3 horsemen to rock the boat in the short and cause peace and harmony in the long run.
It can compensate for the power imbalance dynamic that we will discuss below.
But for my fellow men, I’m sorry. Using those 4 horsemen hurts your relationship and will always make things worse for you and your partner.
…
4. Power imbalance.
I learned about this concept and idea from Dr. John Gottman as well.
And, again, it might make some people squirm.
Men, hear me out.
If there’s a power imbalance in your relationship, your wife/girlfriend will feel weak and she won’t feel safe with you.
On the contrary, if there’s a fair distribution of power in the relationship, she’s going to feel empowered, cared for, and safe with you.
What does “power imbalance” or “power distribution” mean?
When there’s a power imbalance, one partner feels less powerful. It could be for multiple reasons. But mainly, it’s because this partner doesn’t feel they have a say in the way the relationship goes. They feel powerless and as though they can’t influence the relationship or make decisions.
And it’s usually women who end up feeling this way. Usually, it’s men who create this dynamic.
It’s when you don’t include your partner in making important decisions.
It’s when you make her do things that she doesn’t want to.
It’s when she doesn’t feel she has a say on anything and it’s only you who has the power to call the shots.
Yes, men are the ones who lead the way. But good leaders aren’t tyrannies.
So, ask her what she thinks. And listen. Discuss decisions with her. Respect her opinion. Consider her rights and don’t force her — or manipulate her — to do things that hurt her.
That will build trust. And trust will build a healthy relationship.
On the other hand, power imbalance will erode trust.
Trust can’t survive when things aren’t fair.
Don’t take power imbalance lightly. It can really destroy your relationship because it destroys trust.
…
5. Turning away and turning against.
I’m, again, referring back to Dr. John Gottman’s work.
That should be enough to make you go and read some of his books if you’re a nerd like me.
Anyways, there’s this idea of the emotional bank account.
And basically, there are three types of “transactions”:
- Turning towards.
- Turning away.
- Turning against.
They are responses and ways of being in a relationship.
Before we explain them, let’s explain the main idea of the emotional bank account.
The more you have in this account, the healthier and more secure the relationship is. And vice versa.
If you have enough in the emotional bank account, you’ll be able to forgive many stupid things your partner is ultimately going to do. And you will be able to appreciate the little things they do.
Small romantic gestures, I would argue, only matter when you have enough in this emotional account.
Those romantic gestures wouldn’t mean anything on and off themselves if this account is low or, even worse, empty.
In a nutshell, you can’t screw up this and spend everything you have in this account and expect to fix it with a flower, a gift, an expensive date, a vacation, or even sex.
That. Doesn’t. Work.
Now, back to the three interactions mentioned above.
In every interaction with your partner — and yes, I literally mean every interaction — you have three options.
You can act in one of three ways:
You can turn towards your partner. And this is what you should do if you want a healthy, loving relationship.
For example, let’s say your partner gives a heavy sigh. What does that mean? It could mean nothing, but it’s most probably not nothing.
It could mean that they are having a bad day. They’re tired. They are mad at something you did. They resent you for something you did/shouldn’t have done.
Or let’s say that your partner showed you a meme on their phone. Or told you a joke. Or shared a story. Or invited you to come and sit with them next to the window and watch the sunset.
According to Gottman, all of these behaviors aren’t random. He calls them bids for communication. They hold a deeper meaning than the one on the surface as the name suggests.
If you turn towards those bids, you deposit credit to your emotional bank account. That’s great. As small and seemingly meaningless those bids may seem, they make a huge difference. The amount deposited to the emotional bank isn’t insignificant. And it accumulates quite rapidly.
On the other hand, you have two more options to respond to those bids.
You can turn away.
It’s when you ignore the sad sigh and act indifferent. It’s when you refuse to check that meme or don’t react and say you’re busy. It’s when you don’t listen to their jokes or don’t appreciate them. It’s when you don’t listen to their story and keep checking your phone. It’s when you prefer to go to sleep or talk on the phone instead of watching that sunset together.
That will negatively affect your emotional bank account.
It may sound trivial at first. But believe, turn away enough times and you will lose that person forever.
Turning against is the most extreme response.
It’s when you sigh back at them and tell them how it’s stupid to feel whatever they are feeling right now. It’s when you tell them how silly the joke or the meme is just because you don’t want to give them approval. It’s when you tell them to go to hell with the sunset scene they want to enjoy with you.
That, for sure, will create more damage and leave your emotional bank account empty quite fast.
It’s toxic. It will create a toxic, unhappy relationship.
Those bids for communication could be anything. From the smallest sigh or look to the normal interactions of conversation, doing small favors, taking the other person into consideration, and so on.
It could be a nervous look. A loving look. A smile. A frown. A question. A joke. A request. Random texting. And remember that it doesn’t have to be big.
Turn towards your partner bids for communication. It will build up your emotional bank account.
There’s nothing I know that builds trust more than this. Nothing! It’s those small things that build unshakable trust. And it’s those small things that destroy trust.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Adam Flockemann on Unsplash