I was invited into a nine-month study group on men and men’s health and well-being. I was at first hesitant to join a “men’s” group because, well, I’m a woman. But the group leader pointed out that I am also the mother of a son and take seriously my responsibility to raise a good man. And, since I was dealing with the aftermath of betrayal by the person I considered the best man in the entire world, if not the universe, he thought being around the energy of these men would be beneficial. He was absolutely and gloriously correct.
I am grateful to these men; they taught me so much.
Today I want to share Lesson One: The five things I learned about men and vulnerability.
1. Men are vulnerable in different ways than women. The expectations to be the strong one, the problem solver, and the provider are deeply ingrained. Even if their partner does not expect this, men still feel the cultural burden.
2. The cultural burden will not shift on its own. It is like turning a cruise ship around, plenty of room is required, the speed is slow, and you need a good captain at the helm and a good working crew. Sharing our vulnerabilities is a good start.
3. Men CAN share at a deep emotional level. I belong to many women’s groups and sharing flows easily and freely. People postulate that women are hard wired for collaboration and men are hard wired for competition. I don’t think it is as simple as that. I do know that the trust level I experienced with these men had the same energy that I feel in my women’s groups. This was a surprise to me. It served as a reminder to not automatically chalk things up to men and women being different as if the ways they are different might never be breeched.
4. These men do not blame anyone else. They courageously face their fears and their flaws. I did not hear the dreaded, “I had to do what I did to meet my needs.” Note to world: We all have needs. Yours are no more important than anyone else’s. The world is abundant and there is no need to take something from someone else as if other people did not also have needs to be met. It was refreshing to watch these men dedicate themselves to learning how to negotiate the most loving and collaborative ways to resolve differences.
5. These wonderful men have the same need for acceptance and approval as the women I know. But here is the amazingly beautiful part; they admit it! This is directly opposite to the cultural meme that men are strong and silent and just tough things out and move on. These men make themselves vulnerable because they know they have the inner strength and confidence and courage to handle whatever life sends their way. And they lovingly accept that the people they are in relationship with struggle too. They are sweet souls who will accept it when things don’t work out perfectly and negotiate changes and separations that leave both partners’ feelings intact and friendship possible.
Now, isn’t that lovely?
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Photo credit: Getty Images
I’m somewhat disturbed by this passage: I did not hear the dreaded, “I had to do what I did to meet my needs.” This would imply that men should continue to “suck it up” and sacrifice everything for the sake of everyone else. I’m being divorced by my wife, and I have certain “needs” that must be met before we come to terms–including an agreement on finances that includes her salary from a job she has not yet landed. Her current proposal essentially entails me moving out, continuing to pay for the current house as well as a hefty rent… Read more »
Hello Scott. I am sorry you are experiencing a difficult divorce and can clearly hear your pain and stress. I’ve been through it and know it can leave one feeling battered. When I wrote the post I was mostly thinking about emotional needs but financial needs are just as real. I never mentioned selfishness. What you have described is the exact opposite of what I would wish for anyone. If both parties can share their needs and deal fairly, it goes more easily. But when one person, as it sounds like you are experiencing, wants everything their way or for… Read more »
Well Written ❤
Dear Ms Walsh since you say that you re the mother of a son, may I recommend Judith Arcana’s “Every Mother’s Son”( The Women’s Press 1983- you can buy it on Amazon. com) as to what it is like to raise a male child?
Thank you Terry Washington, I will check it out. My son is an amazing person and I am well blessed to have him so I want to do my best!
Great post.
Thank you Dave DuBay, I appreciate the encouragement!
Jude, Bravo! Great message. It is a rather limiting belief to think that men do not respond emotionally to setbacks in their lives, but maybe that is what we’ve been culturally taught to believe. It’s like the “There’s no crying in baseball” line from A League of Their Own. Men were cast as weak if they broke out with anything other than swear words…meaning that it’s okay for the anger emotion, but never the sad, melancholy or Heaven forbid the crying emotion! It’s easy to see why they became type-cast in emotional fortitude or resilience. I seem to recall my… Read more »
You are welcome Claire. I am celebrating the good men in my life and embrace them in all their vulnerability. It makes them stronger in my eyes.
It is lovely. Thank you so much for sharing these reminders.
“Man CAN share at a deep emotional level”….seriously? A revelation?
Brian, unfortunately I think that might be a revelation to many women and men. All the more reason I want to celebrate it. The more we talk about these things the better. From your brief response it sounds like your experience is otherwise and I rejoice in that. I think cultural expectations and trust play a big part here. Thanks for your response.
Jude, Thanks for sharing your experiences. The group was part of a training I did on the field of gender medicine and men’s health. Most of those participating were men. Jude was one of two women who joined the class and the only one who consistently attended our “on-line” group. It was a pleasure to be part of this inspired and inspiring group and am excited to see Jude’s work appearing in our GMP community. Looking forward to more of her writing.
Mixed feelings on this. On the one hand I’d like to herd women into those sort of men’s groups by the hundreds so that they can see what Jude saw, learn what men really are beyond internet hashtags, and imaginings.
On the other hand I’d worry about maintaining the integrity of what they are, a male community where men can experience what I’ve almost taken for granted in having close male friends that leave one free to just be, well, men.
I can imagine that it was almost awe inspiring for Jude, to sit there and experience it first hand.
DJ Roukan, I hear you! There is definitely a reason to have exclusively all men or all women groups. This was a rare opportunity for me and I am grateful for it. Awe inspiring is exactly the right way to describe it. I have been wondering of late if any of the women’s groups I am in would allow in a guy for a specific reason. This group was a time defined, specific topic group, led by Jed Diamond, and so lent itself to the possibility. I DO wish more women had this opportunity, especially when I hear over generalizations… Read more »
Jed Diamond I will be forever grateful to you and the group for allowing me to be a full participant. I am just beginning to mine the depths of all we covered. If you decide to offer the course again sometime, I would highly recommend it to all. Thanks for all the work you do for men and the women who love them!
Jude was one of two women who joined the class and the only one who consistently attended our “on-line” group
I know its in quote marks but is there really an online mens group? That sounds interesting.
Danny I would suggest you contact Jed Diamond at http://www.menalive.com to see if he might offer that group again or be able to give you more information. It sounds simple but you might even try searching Online men’s groups and see what comes up. Good luck with your search!
As someone that teaches men how to lead free men’s group–thank you.
This is an accurate and appreciative depiction of a men’s group. We created a nonprofit, Men Corps – http://www.mencorps.org to help men start their own groups. These group are more powerful than men can imagine.
“What is missing in your life?
If you are like most men, it’s brotherhood.”
Male community. The cure for what ails you..
Owen I tried to post a response yesterday but for some reason a couple of my responses did not post so I will try again. I popped over to your site and plan to go back and read it carefully and to pass it along to others I know will find it valuable and a continuing resource
Interested to know more about the men’s group you joined.
Dominick, it was a nine month or so study group on Men’s Health sponsored by Jed Diamond, a frequent GMP contributor and expert in Men’s Health. You can find out more by visiting his website http://www.menalive.com. He also commented earlier in this queue and you can see that if you scroll back. I. Loved. It.