It logically follows that no one would want to be in a relationship if there is a lack of support, poor communication, envy or jealousy, domineering behaviors, resentment, and dishonesty.
But the kind of relationship that everyone aspires to have is one where there is mutual respect, trust, open communication, commitment, and support for each other’s objectives.
Because everyone desires to be in a relationship that is exciting, loving, and characterized by a caring partner who cares about them.
However, among the countless ways out there to make new friends or find a romantic partner, most individuals choose physical attractiveness over the sincere emotional connection and shared beliefs because they mistakenly believe that these butterfly feelings are signs of love.
What they don’t realize is that fleeting emotions like “fluttering butterflies,” which are frequently motivated by physical attraction, do not necessarily result in happy, fulfilling relationships. But, building a relationship based on shared beliefs and aspirations in life and loving your partner for who they are and not for anything else is what determines the greatness of any relationship.
Hence, to avoid landing in a surface leave relationship that is based on superficial needs here are 5 signs to watch out for.
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1. Lack of mutual understanding
This isn’t new to you because you’ve heard it before. But sometimes you have to hear things in a specific order for them to make sense.
Mutual understanding entails not only understanding your partner but also accepting and being aware of all of each other’s peculiarities, fears, and flaws as well as working together to solve any issues that may arise.
However, some people opt to go in the opposite direction and choose their version of reality. When they don’t believe that the Other’s version of events is “good enough” to match their own, they may view the Other’s viewpoint as a deliberate lie.
But what they tend to forget is that a healthy relationship should be based on trust and understanding of one another, not the other way around.
There will inevitably be a gap in your understanding of one another if your relationship does not have room for in-depth discussions about your emotions, fears, thoughts, and ideas.
Your relationship is just at a surface level if you and your partner don’t know each other very well. I don’t mean in terms of your likes or your favorite shows to binge watch. Do you know the professional goals of your partner? Do you understand what matters to your partner? What do they believe in and what won’t be tolerated by them?
Even worse, if you’ve only been dating for a few months and you can’t respond to these questions, your relationship is undoubtedly superficial.
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2. Poor emotional connection
One of the most admirable aspects of a healthy relationship is the feeling of closeness and connection you share with your partner, as well as the knowledge that your partner truly sees you, hears you, and values you.
Emotional connection is formed by being able to share all the different parts of ourselves – and especially the parts we struggle with most, or sharing our inner world with our partners.
But, most people prioritize physical intimacy over emotional intimacy because they are in a relationship for the sake of appearances or things that will benefit them rather than love.
They never talk about the important stuff in the relationship.
They don’t feel understood by their partner.
They don’t do meaningful activities together with their partner.
Your relationship is on a surface level or considered superficial if both you and your partner doesn’t involve in a level of openness and vulnerability, or increases the overall sense of closeness you feel in your day-to-day life.
Hence, if you often feel distant and isolated from your partner, then you’re considered to be in a superficial relationship.
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3. Ineffective or shallow communication
Poor communication is frequently the cause of shallow and superficial relationships.
When you are unable to connect properly on an emotional level with your partner, your relationship and entire love life suffer significant setbacks, making it superficial.
Hence, if you want to enjoy everything but shallow and superficial connections with your spouse, you need always keep in mind that the art of communicating with them extends well beyond simply conversing intellectually and exchanging ideas or information and involves a great deal of emotion.
Because deep, intimate, and gratifying relationships with your loving partner cannot be any simpler when you are so lousy at communicating that you make assumptions about your partner’s feelings or read meanings into their behaviors rather than asking and talking things out with them.
People who are in a healthy relationship are aware of this. As a result, they are never mute about their demands, nor do they bottle up what bothers them; in fact, they are terrific listeners and even considerate.
The truth is that expressing your emotions does not make you less than others. Because vulnerability is the true emotional connection
In other words, your relationship is at the surface level if there is no good or open communication.
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4. Unforgiveness and scorekeeping
Many people today are in relationships that are riddled with flaws and mistakes because the connection isn’t genuine, they can’t help but blame and frustrate their partner.
Many people in today’s society are in relationships for fun or for reasons unknown to them, which causes them to become ruthless, unforgiving partners, believing, acting, and behaving as if they are perfect and can do no wrong, while the other partner is to blame for everything.
However, this makes no sense. Because human beings are wired to make mistakes and reminding, berating, and crucifying them for their past transgressions, especially when we’re trying to make amends, is a complete waste of energy and even draining to the recipients.
If you are in a relationship that is bent on blaming, unforgiving spirit, reminding each other for their shortcoming, or not taking responsibility for mistakes then your relationship is on a surface level.
Because weirdly, being overly unforgiving and keeping a score of your partner’s mistakes, means you believe that forgiveness and letting go is a sign of weakness or is a sin to forgive someone who is not genuinely loved. Hence, hurting them is done out of no genuine closeness in the relationship.
And no one deserves to be in a relationship where there is no love for each other because being constantly stressed over past mistakes, especially when someone is attempting to use them as a defense mechanism, is a sign of a lack of love in the relationship.
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5. Little to no respect for boundaries
There are many reasons why the Subtle Art of not respecting healthy boundaries in a relationship became superficial art. It might be having or being a stressful and energy-depleting partner whose nature is trampling all over their partner’s boundaries, or putting oneself at a disadvantage to please their romantic partner.
Such relationships are referred to as superficial because, in my opinion, it makes no sense to have or be someone who doesn’t at least tolerate their partner’s differences, much less accept them, or try to change yourself to suit your potential romantic partner.
Well, The problem is that giving up who you are, caving in to pressure to behave in a certain way, or enduring or tolerating behaviors that are unacceptable all indicate that you lack or have weak personal boundaries, which is just another covert way to be a superficial partner.
And someone who constantly tries to manipulate you into believing that you should normalize enduring and accommodating their lousy behaviors, that you have to give up your needs for theirs, and that you have to do their biddings even when you don’t want to, is not a genuine partner or lover because you will only wallow in feelings of sadness, and at the very worst, you might end up having your self-worth and value destroyed.
Worse, is being a partner who only believes in a conditional love that exists only when their partners always say ‘yes’ and comply with whatever they want, say, or do, irrespective of how their actions and inactions affect their partners.
So there’s no point whatsoever in selling yourself out in the name of being in a relationship or trying to mold yourself into what a romantic partner might like. Because if they don’t love and accept you the way you are, with all your differences, then you’re better off without them.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
