5 Signs You And Your Partner Want Different Things

Last Wednesday, I was getting ready to go for cocktail hour with a girlfriend. I was excited; I knew she had tea to spill, as the kids say.

Our weekly cocktail hour meetups are a highlight of my week. We talk about what we’ve been up to, things we’ve watched lately, what new snacks I found at Trader Joe’s, and of course, we talk all about dating.

That particular day we discussed her somewhat new relationship. It’s been going well; they’ve been dating for a while, exchanged ‘I love yous’ and spent the bulk of their time together. However, there are a few issues.

“We get along so well. But, there are just these things we disagree on that feel little now, but I know will be a problem in the grand scheme of things. Is it worth trying to make a relationship work when we both want different things out of life? Even if we care so much about each other?”

Cocktail hour turned into dinner, and before we knew it, hours had gone by, and we were still discussing this topic.

Read on to see the 5 signs that show you and your partner want different things and what you can do about them.

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Your current priorities in life aren’t aligned.

When getting into a relationship, you don’t really think about aligning your current priorities with your partner. At least I never did with any of my past relationships.

When I first started dating my ex, my future was in focus. I strived to improve myself in all aspects of my life. Meanwhile, he didn’t give a shit about his education, work, self-improvement, or anything else, really.

You’d find him playing video games late into the night every single night, and showing up to work late constantly. You don’t notice the downside of being with someone who doesn’t have their shit together until it starts impacting you.

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When you find yourself in this type of predicament, two things can happen.

A.) You realize that your priorities in life aren’t aligned and have a conversation about it; if the other partner doesn’t understand or doesn’t care, it’s best to leave the relationship because they will drag you down to their level.

B.) You stay and let yourself get dragged down to their level.

If you’re the kind of person who strives to improve themselves and live a good life, but your partner doesn’t care about improving themselves or their life, you’re already facing a problem that will inevitably turn into something bigger down the line.

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Your vision for the future doesn’t align.

Your vision for the future needs to connect.

If you want to get married, have kids, and do playdates with the neighboring kids every weekend by 30 while your partner wants to travel the world, party, and live their life free of any responsibilities (like kids or a mortgage) it’ll be hard to reach a compromise.

I’ve spoken on this many times, but if you see kids, a family, a house, etc, in your future and your partner doesn’t because they don’t want any of those things, it’s best to let go of them before things get too serious.

A few years ago, I was crying in my car after breaking up with my ex; he’d just told me he doesn’t ever see himself becoming a dad or settling down. Now, I am beyond happy I made the decision to leave.

When you’re caught up in the moment and in love with someone, you don’t understand how hurt you’ll be if you compromise on things that are incredibly important to you. But years down the line, you’ll end up regretting it.

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Your idea of commitment is different from theirs.

It’s important to talk about what commitment means when you first start dating. If you’re in it for the long haul and your partner is taking things one day at a time, then you’re not on the same page.

If your partner is okay with seeing multiple people at once while you’re deadset on a monogamous relationship, you need to have that discussion and be specific.

A friend of mine recently ended a relationship with someone because after he asked her to be exclusive, he met up with another girl for dinner, and needless to say, my friend was not happy about it.

You never know what goes on in someone’s mind, so don’t be afraid to speak up and say exactly what you want and what you expect.

If you’re not okay with your partner going out with people of the same sex, say it. Bring it up. Talk to them about it. Don’t swallow your hurt or frustration, and try to live with it.

If your version of commitment doesn’t align with your partners, then that puts you on two separate pages on an issue that you won’t be able to ignore for very long without someone getting hurt.

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Your interests are completely different.

While having separate hobbies and interests is good in a relationship, it’s still important to have shared interests.

For example, one of my mother’s friends recently started dating again; she got a divorce two years ago and was ready to hop back on the saddle, so to speak.

She matched with someone and went on her first date with him; she felt giddy and excited for what was to come. A few months into dating, her excitement dwindled.

She felt like that the new man in her life had little to no interest in anything she was interested in. In fact, his main hobbies consisted of fishing, work, and going up to the mountains with his buddies for guy time (which he did every single weekend).

After having several conversations with her friends, as well as her new man, she decided the best option was to end the relationship. He was unwilling to compromise, and she wasn’t willing to be with someone who couldn’t be bothered to split his time.

Psychologist Stephen J. Betchen says,

“When two partners have the same or similar interests, life is easier for the couple. Better yet, if they share a passion for the same interests, it can bond them for years.”

My boyfriend and I are complete opposites in a lot of aspects. He’s an extrovert; I’m introverted. He likes to be out and about; I’m a homebody.

However, our shared interests are what keep us together and in love. We both love food, we both enjoy reading, we both share a foundation of commonalities we can always pull from.

“Partners who show interest in one another, think alike, share passion, enjoy similar adventures, and in the end, bond. These types of couples also fight less because they generally agree on how to invest their energy and time. Life is better in so many ways for couples who share interests.” — Stephen J. Betchen.

So, if you find yourself in the same boat as my mother’s friend, with someone who has zero interest in compromising or fails to even show any interest in things you enjoy, it might be a sign that the two of you just aren’t meant to be.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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