5 Signs You’re a Terrible Partner

A significant number of people hold onto relationships that feel wrong because of how fun the relationships were in the beginning. Yet, a considerable number of us know that a relationship where one lives in high hope that their partner will change is a toxic one.

Sometimes, even though we suspect our partners to be toxic, we might stay a little longer in a relationship to make sure that our intuitions are true.

However, in some cases, the feelings that we have toxic or terrible partners might be wrong because we are the real terrible partners.

And the truth is, feeling and acting like a victim of a toxic relationship when you’re the actually terrible partner can ruin a relationship that’s nowhere near toxic.

Hence, if you don’t change the self-sabotaging habits that make you a terrible partner, you’ll likely juggle through relationships that often feel toxic to you for years, decades, and even a lifetime.

With that being said, here are five signs you might actually be a terrible partner even if you think otherwise.

You’re fond of bottling up your feelings

Do you ever feel like you’re not the same person in reality as you are in your mind?

For instance, you might be keeping mute or shying away from venting out your innermost feelings and pretending to be okay with every single thing that stresses you.

Well, the truth is, over time, out of resentment and anger accumulated as a result of suppressing your emotions, you might end up blowing up and saying things you will regret terribly.

Most people choose to bottle up their feelings because they don’t want to hurt their partners’ feelings, or they think their feelings are foreign and not understandable to their partners.

They tend to bottle up their feelings because it seems easier and safer to do so.

Yet, the point is, you can’t deal with negative emotions by bottling them up because they don’t just go away that easily. Bottling up your emotions means you’re put in the position of playing a character that is never good in any relationship and worst, has been the reason behind many broken homes or relationships.

But here’s the catch: Life is too short to always bottle up and avoid telling people how you feel when they strike a particular hurtful chord or about an uncomfortable situation. That’s why you should always open up and express your feelings instead of saying you’re fine when you aren’t.

Expressing your innermost feelings to your significant other can help balance your relationship and pave way for a broader perspective, protecting you from digressing into loops of fear and false beliefs.

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You care less about healthy boundaries

How often do you put yourself at a disadvantage to please others?

Let me guess: Quite often.

Well, the thing is, giving up who you are, succumbing to pressures to do things you don’t want to, and enduring or putting up with obviously unacceptable treatments, means you have poor or no personal boundaries, which is just another subtle way to be a terrible partner.

A lot of people put themselves in such extremely dangerous situations because they’re convinced that they have to overly compromise, make a lot of sacrifices, and endure some kinds of lousy and unpleasant treatments so their relationships can thrive.

Yet, they keep wondering why their relationships always turn out to be disastrous, when all they do is put up behaviors that carry huge risks to their sense of self and can have the effects of making their partners treat them mean.

So, they sacrifice the benefits of having healthy boundaries because they fear they might appear rude or bad if they stand their grounds against unfair treatment, or when they say “no” to something they’re capable of doing — they feel responsible for other people’s feelings, they guilt over hurting other people’s feelings, and hence, minimize their concerns over their own needs.

But if you want to stop feeling like a victim of a terrible relationship when you’re actually also a terrible partner yourself, you have to learn to stick and hold onto who you are, your passions, your standards, etc and establish clear boundaries of what you can take and what you can’t without feeling responsible for anyone’s feelings.

Because you aren’t supposed to be responsible for anybody’s feelings. Yes, you are responsible for taking ownership of your life. You don’t have to always put yourself at a disadvantage to please others.

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You have unrealistic expectations

Maybe you think of yourself as a “self-aware person” or someone who is seeking a perfect partner that suits their expectations of a perfect relationship.

Whereas, your biggest relationship expectations are things like building a home and a family with your partner, creating a friendly and supportive environment for your kids, having a fight or violence-free relationship, collaborating in maintaining the household, supporting each other’s personal endeavors, etc.

But the bitter truth is you might undoubtedly end up having a shameful and horrible relationship because these expectations are rather ludicrous than reasonable and all they do is pave way for disappointments, bitterness, and unhappiness.

As a result, you might likely end up feeling like a victim of a wrong relationship.

Doesn’t sound sexy, right?!

Luckily, there’s a solution: Learn to set even more realistic expectations.

Even though the majority of the thoughts, feelings, and ideas we have about perfect relationships have been guided by what we have seen in romantic movies and TV shows, or heard about through generational tales of romantic stories, we need to learn to set expectations that will mostly guarantee healthier relationships.

That’s why the above-mentioned expectations, even though they’re not actually bad, aren’t ideal, because when one only has such kinds of expectations but lacks ideal expectations like a relationship deeply-rooted in mutual trust and respect, open and clear communication, authenticity, compromise, and shared values, interests, etc, their relationship might likely take the wrong direction.

So you can, however, have such kinds of expectations and at the same time, have the real, realistic expectations that’ll ensure your relationship doesn’t turn out to be messy. Because anything contrary can breed anxiety and ruin, even the best relationship.

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You’re playing the selfless card

The worst way to be a terrible partner is by allowing people to easily exploit, manipulate, and treat you wrongly simply because you don’t want to appear selfish.

That way, you’ll be making yourself a helpless puppet to needy and manipulative partners or partners who will make things seem as though, your failure to meet their needs proves that you’re a selfish bitch or asshole.

In some cases, you might be dating a great partner who isn’t needy, selfish, and manipulative but failing to prioritize your needs, wants, feelings, and happiness as much as you prioritize your partner will make you nothing but unhappy in any relationship.

Sure, one needs to be selfless and nice but choosing not to do so at the expense of your needs, wants, feelings, and happiness isn’t selfishness. It’s self-care and it isn’t a taboo.

Rather, it’s giving in to the people-pleasing urge to avoid appearing or seeming selfish that’s a taboo. It’s an obvious sign of self-neglect. which is a necessary element if you do want to love and care for others well.

Because, if you don’t love and care for yourself, doing so for others will always drain you and you might not get enough in return.

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You often complain about your relationship to other people

This might probably not sound logical. But the reality is that one of the most underrated ways to be a terrible partner is by consistently complaining about your partner to other people.

I recently received yet another phone call from a friend. For the umpteenth time, she called to complain about her boyfriend after their latest heated disagreement.

And as usual, before we were done with the call, I could sense how relieved she was, she even thanked me for always being her source of emotional relief and support.

But what if the emotional relief that comes with complaining to a friend about one’s partner has detrimental side effects?

What if it could negatively affect the way you see your partner in your relationship?

Most people are so used to complaining about their partners and relationships that they drown themselves in a toxic pool of negativity.

If you endlessly complain and focus on the negative things your partner does or what have you, you’ll likely get to a point where you won’t be able to see your partner in a positive light anymore.

The good news is you can rewrite the self-sabotaging narratives that you have a terrible partner by opening your eyes to how your endless negative complaints about your partner make you a terrible partner instead.

Don’t allow your mind to get clouded by some negative aspects of your relationship when there are great and positive aspects you should be appreciative of.

But also, don’t turn a complete blind eye to everything that is threatening your happiness and satisfaction in your relationship.

However, as relationship researcher, John Gottman recommends, you should learn to see your relationship as a good one and share that appreciation if you want to enjoy a happy and satisfying relationship. But like earlier mentioned, you shouldn’t completely turn a blind eye to everything.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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