All relationships go through difficult times.
But what if you don’t even realize you’re going through one of those difficult times right now?
Relationship limbo, as I like to call it, represents a time in many relationships where things simply stop.
There’s no active progression, or desire for progression, on either side.
Despite the fact you know there are moves to be made in both your lives, you’ve hit a metaphorical wall, with little or no positive movement to be had.
In short: You’ve become accustomed to how things are and this has become your reality.
But that’s not how things should be in relationships. There should always be the need or want to move forward. Especially if your relationship is yet to hit certain parameters (marriage, children, etc).
Even couples who have been together for decades still have the instinct to take action if they feel things beginning to stagnate.
If you suspect you may have fallen foul of such a scenario, here are 5 signs you’ve stumbled into relationship limbo — and how to escape it.
You’re still living apart
This was one of the key factors in realizing I’d fallen into relationship limbo myself.
Thankfully, it’s one of the more noticeable factors.
In the modern world, new couples have become so accustomed to being in constant contact through social media and direct messaging that many of them don’t feel a direct need to be in actual physical contact a lot of the time.
But it runs a lot deeper than that. Many couples, for example, enjoy their independence enough to the point where living apart from their partner is preferable.
A study from the University of Bradford found that up to 25 percent of coupled adults in the UK opted to live separately from their partners.
In an interview with The Telegraph, Professor Simon Duncan said:
“Living apart together supposedly gives people all the advantages of autonomy — doing what you want in your own space, maintaining pre-existing local arrangements and friendships — as well as the pleasures of intimacy with a partner.”
While this may sound perfectly fine on paper, for the majority of couples who do seek the loving intimacy of living with their partners, living separately for a long time can become quite the problem.
If you’ve been with your significant other for several months, moving in together should be the natural next step in the evolution of your relationship.
Not only will it allow you to build the strength of your relationship, but it will also allow you to begin preparing for your future lives together.
If the thought of that scares you, you may want to rethink your stance in your current relationship.
Make the right decision. But make sure it’s the right decision for both of you. Speaking of which…
You don’t share the same vision for the future
People not knowing what they want out of life is common.
But knowing what you want and not being able to act on it because your partner doesn’t share your values can be insanely damaging to both your relationship and your mental health.
The decision of whether or not to have children is always a major talking point here. But things like property and career moves can come into play, too.
One thing you must do if you want to enjoy a long-lasting relationship with your partner — and not get stuck in relationship limbo — is to find out early on if you share a similar plan for your future.
If there is a massive disconnect here, there’s no doubt it will rear its ugly head down the road.
Or, even worse, you both ignore the obvious flaws in your union, hoping the other party will change their mind, and end up stuck in relationship limbo for years.
You follow a surprisingly strict routine
‘Stuck in a rut’ is a phrase that can be applied to almost any area of life.
Your career, your finances, and, yes, your relationship.
If you find yourself repeating the same processes every single day, down to a tee, it could be a sign you’re stuck in relationship limbo.
Don’t get me wrong, we all have our set routines that give our lives structure and consistency.
Wake up — Shower — Work — Home — Food — Bed. And so on.
But if you begin to feel a sense of dissatisfaction or unhappiness from being unable to break away from even the slightest piece of your routine with your partner, something needs to change.
Freshening things up for the pair of you could come down to something as simple as adding a date night into your weekly schedule. Or trying a new restaurant the next time you go out.
Or maybe even picking up a new shared hobby altogether.
The point is, the clock is ticking for all of us. If you feel something needs to change in your and your partner’s set routine to keep things interesting, don’t be afraid to try something new.
The bedroom has become boring
This is the one element of every relationship that is most likely to ‘cool down’ first. But that doesn’t mean it needs to fizzle out completely.
(Thank God)
If you’ve been with your current partner for any significant length of time, you probably have a decent understanding of them on a sexual level.
Their likes. Their wants. Their desires.
What turns them on. And off.
But every couple reaches a point where they feel it might be time to ‘spice things up’ in the bedroom.
This usually consists of trying new positions, introducing new toys or costumes, etc.
Something that makes the experience more pleasurable, or at least more interesting, than it was before.
If you, or your partner, feels like the so-called ‘fire’ in the bedroom has died down recently, you shouldn’t be embarrassed.
The absolute worst thing you can do is keep these feelings to yourself, allowing things to continue as they are.
Keeping your passion alive between the sheets is a great way to avoid relationship limbo and to ensure you both enjoy a healthy (and pleasurable) bond with your partner.
You don’t share much of a social life
Humans are social creatures.
Even those of us who consider ourselves to be introverts still need the occasional bout of human interaction.
For those of us in a relationship, this human interaction is mostly limited to our partner, especially if we live together.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t socialize with others as a couple. In fact, it’s healthy.
Double dates are a great example. According to an article from Science Daily:
“Going on a double date may be more effective at reigniting passion in your own relationship than the classic candlelit dinner for two. According to new research, striking up a friendship with another couple in which you discuss personal details of your life will bring you closer to your own partner.”
If you’re not socializing with other people as a couple, it could be an indicator you feel embarrassed, for whatever reason, to be around your partner with others.
Or perhaps you feel there’s a personality clash between your partner and your chosen social circle.
Neither of which should be a concern in a healthy relationship. If you’re truly comfortable with yourself and each other, there should be no embarrassment to be had.
Plus, personality clashes happen all the time. We’re all different. It shouldn’t be a worry.
Don’t allow your unfounded fears to hold you back from socializing with others or other couples. It’s a fantastic way to keep your social and speaking skills on-point, as well as avoiding falling into relationship limbo.
How to escape:
Your first port of call if you feel you’ve ended up stuck in relationship limbo should be communicating with your partner.
Sit down with them in a calm, non-confrontational manner and explain the reasons why you feel your relationship train has screeched to a deafening halt.
It could be to do with some or all of the reasons mentioned above. Or it could be something totally different you’ve discovered of your own accord.
Either way, make it clear that you’d like things to change for the better, for the both of you.
Break down the areas of your relationship you could shift to escape the unfortunate rut you’ve found yourself in.
Be sure to write everything down — a problem isn’t real until it’s in black and white.
Then, create a step-by-step plan of how you can overcome these issues if you can.
In working together openly and honestly to resolve your problems, you’ll be giving yourself the best chance to claw your way back to the promised land of a bright and optimistic future for the pair of you.
Be bold. Be brave. Be smart. But be satisfied. You deserve the best.
To sum up:
- ‘Relationship Limbo’ is a mental and/or physical place where there’s no progression in your relationship.
- Living apart for a long time isn’t healthy for a relationship (unless you’ve both agreed it’s what you want).
- You should both share a common goal for the future.
- Routines are useful, but spontaneity can be a lifesaver.
- Don’t overlook the importance of sex. It’s there to be enjoyed.
- Socialize with others to improve your own strength.
- Communicate and create a plan together.
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Previously Published on medium
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
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