Most men scare women off like he’s wearing torn, dirty clothes while driving a big white van with no windows.
It’s pretty sad.
Most men get their “education” from books, social media, and porn, yet they grow up thinking that hiding their sexuality behind a friendly façade will do the trick. On the flip side, he might believe that simply walking up to her and telling her she’s hot, using manipulation, or any other ill-advised behavior will give him the validation he desperately needs.
Since working on the external validation piece is a topic for another article, I’m going to focus on what a man can do to improve his flirting. Then he can at least communicate with women who are hopefully not major construction zones.
Inauthentic or manipulative behavior is rooted in fear, which demands swinging hard to the left or right. Slip in through the Friend Door or clobber her with aggression or manipulation. All of them are ways to mitigate rejection yet increase its likelihood significantly.
Perhaps you’ve read The Game and have mastered whatever Red Pill tactics you’ve come across, but in my experience, this leads to short-term situationships that eventually explode spectacularly. It’s usually the pickup artist that ultimately finds a woman that drags his heart behind her pickup as she speeds off with another man, thus validating his belief that vulnerability is for fools.
The following are five flirting strategies that every guy can use to increase his success with women, but it’s not something he can master overnight. It takes practice.
No matter where you are, take the opportunity in front of you to employ these techniques and pay attention to the results. Adjust things along the way, and perhaps most importantly, read her non-verbal cues where she tells you if she’s open to proceeding.
These tips won’t save you from rejection or guarantee your success; however, they will drastically increase your opportunities.
1. Don’t hide your intent
Stop being a Nice Guy and stop putting yourself into the Friend Zone.
Pretending to be her “friend” by hiding your intent and hoping she’ll make the first move is dishonest at best and creepy at worst. It removes the very thing that women need to be interested in dating you:
Women love honesty and transparency, and while that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t employ tact, subtlety, and attune to where she’s at in the interaction, hiding your intent will be picked up by the woman eventually. This misrepresentation is especially off-putting if the woman gave you clear signals she wants you to approach. Please don’t blow it by pretending not to be interested.
Instead of hiding your intent, accept that both men and women want sex, romance, and a relationship. Perhaps not all at the same time, but overall these are biological goals everyone desires at some point. Embracing your true intent and being proud of your sexual nature will enhance your flirting and dating skills.
If fear of rejection keeps you from acting congruently with what you want, then read on because I’ve dedicated the last tip to handling rejection.
While I won’t say it’s impossible to exit the Friend Zone and get back into romantic and sexual consideration, it’s much more difficult than if you weren’t there in the first place. Trying the Friend Door and hoping she’ll let you in is dishonest.
If you truly are friends and things turn romantic naturally, then great. But don’t pretend otherwise.
2. Give intelligent compliments
Women love compliments. Original ones.
What I mean by that is to stop stating the obvious right away. Attractive women always get physical compliments from strangers, so find something original to point out.
I’m a fan of complimenting decisions, intelligence, or energy. Rather than saying, “Wow, you’re so beautiful,” or rattling off some lame pickup line, I’d say something like, “You have a good fashion sense. I’m wondering what those colors say about your personality.”
Or, “You have a great energy about you. I take it things are going well in your life?”
Compliments should be genuine and show that you pay attention to detail. Women love that, so notice the way she moves, talks, carries herself, or dresses.
While we all enjoy being told we’re attractive, we subconsciously know that looks fade and are mainly out of our control. Being told we have controllable attributes that someone finds attractive promotes a sense of safety.
If the only compliments I got were how good-looking I am, I’d worry that looks are all people want me for, which would put me on edge. I’d like to know I have a backup plan.
3. Pay attention to non-verbal cues
Roughly 70% of human communication is non-verbal, so being able to read body language and vocal inflections is a must.
I’m sure you’ve been around plenty of people who “couldn’t take a hint” or were not socially aware. These people were not tuned in to non-verbal cues and missed signs to escalate or evacuate.
Most women expect men to read their body language like a traffic signal. If she’s flashing glances at you, smiling, and adjusting her hair around you, those are green lights. Those are yellow lights if she places something between you, such as a purse, or shifts her body away from you. And if she hunches inward and ignores you, I hope you understand what that means.
Since this isn’t a primer on non-verbal communication, I suggest you watch some videos or pick up a few books on body language and how women communicate with men. Knowing a green light when you see one will make flirting much more manageable.
I’ll highlight it again — if she flashes you green lights and you approach her, then hide your intent, you’re doing it all wrong. You can be subtle and even coy, but quickly make it evident that you picked up on her cues.
4. Escalate when appropriate
Things will need to escalate if you’ve been flirting well and getting consistent green lights. It doesn’t have to lead to sex, but it can lead to light touching, getting her number, or just about anything as long as it’s consensual for both.
I’ve seen a lot of guys (myself included) fall short of this step out of fear, shame, or simply not knowing what to do. If a woman likes how you’re handling yourself and giving you all the signs, she will expect progression.
Perhaps you’re at a coffee shop, and one of you needs to leave — get her number. Or better yet, plan the next meetup on the spot and put it in your calendar.
If you’re at a party, see how she responds if you touch her arm, especially if she touches you first — major green light. Perhaps a few kisses will follow, and hey, who knows what else?
If you’re looking for a relationship, keep in mind that escalating too quickly can kill your chances with her. I’m not saying it’s 100% going to happen, but more often than not, getting too physical without getting to know one another does not bode well for long-term success.
That said, you don’t want to come off as a man who doesn’t take action, so at the very least, initiate some form of physical contact. It will solidify the connection or will let you know if she’s into you or not. If you touch her arm to highlight what you’re saying and she pulls away or winces, you know it’s time to abandon ship.
Of course, there are exceptions to the rules above, and one-night stands can turn into marriage, but generally, escalating in congruence with your goal is a wise thing to do.
5. Handle rejection gracefully
No surprise here, but things won’t always go your way. How you handle it, however, will speak volumes about your character.
Despite almost everyone’s fear of rejection, I advise practicing getting rejected. That may sound crazy, but the more you get accustomed to discomfort, the less discomforting it is.
I’m not saying go out and be a total ass or be disrespectful just to get rejected, but go out, employ the previous steps, and see how far it goes. If you land a date or a relationship, you win. If you get rejected, you also win!
Of course, getting rejected will trigger thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, but therein lies an opportunity to learn more about yourself and what upsets you. Our reactions are typically projections of past trauma, indicating areas of continued inner work.
Rejection for me has been evidence of the belief that I’m unlovable, which made my fear of rejection almost crippling. When it did happen, it was like a javelin to the heart.
Now that I’ve reworked my belief system and learned more about people (especially women), I can absorb rejection much easier. Sure it still stings, but it’s more like a scratch than a life-threatening wound.
Though I’ve seen these five steps work for myself and many guys, try them yourself and adjust as necessary; they’re just a guide to get you started. Infuse your character and flow; by all means, don’t be a scripted robot.
Smile, have fun, and aim to leave her better than you found her. People remember you based on how you make them feel and absorb the energy of others. If you project a cool, calm, and confident demeanor, you’ll put women at ease, which is crucial to successful flirtation.
If you enjoyed this, sign up for my newsletter and get monthly life and relationship advice, a free workbook, and subscriber discounts.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please support our mission and join us as a Premium Member.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
|White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism||Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box||The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer||What We Talk About When We Talk About Men|
Photo credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash