Before the quarantine, I loved nothing more than popping frozen pizza into the oven. After months imprisoned in my house, my canned-chili-and-cheese enchiladas would win me a quarantine-themed episode of Chopped.
I realized I’ve always longed to be able to cook like this after the shock of self-isolation faded. No, not with just pantry-stable food items while being trapped in my home for over 800 hours, but to have the time to cook like this.
This may seem like a small thing, but I don’t discount discovering what makes me joyful, what makes me feel more connected to myself and my loved ones. I also recognize that my life doesn’t allow me to cook the way I want to, which means that something within it has to change.
Self-reflection, or a change in life circumstances like the lockdown, can provide an opportunity to discover real truths. Maybe that your career/relationship/home/life, etc. isn’t working. Maybe that you need more time for __________ (relationships/family/dating/hobbies/self-care) and less time for ________ (bullshit/drama/certain people).
It can also provide you an opportunity to own who you are. Here are ways to do that.
1. Figure Out Your Identity
What are the traits you possess and the roles you play? What values do you care about? What do you want to stand for? What brings you joy? Make a list of those things by writing a slew of sentences all beginning with “I am.”
I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a friend. I am kind, considerate, and generous. I am creative. I am spiritual and not religious. I am someone who obsessively loves quiet. I am a cook. I am a writer. I am an introvert.
Your list will be different. It’s only about taking a first step in discovering who you are in the process.
2. Change How You Speak to Yourself
My son is three years old, and he has adopted, even at this very young age, the attitude of, “I can’t, so I won’t.” He has put on his own clothes hundreds of times, but sometimes when I hand him a shirt, he’ll throw himself on the ground and say, “I can’t.”
“No, you can,” I remind him. “You’re just choosing not to right now.” I then sit there and refuse to help him until he gets it together.
Sometimes we need to treat our brains like unruly toddlers. We often tell ourselves we can’t because we’re afraid. We make up excuses. “I can’t go to school right now because the kids are too young or the timing isn’t right or….”
Sometimes you just need to listen to yourself, and when “I can’t” comes out of your mouth, tell yourself instead, “You can. You’re just choosing not to right now.”
3. Take Aligning Action
If I value having time to cook, then I need to make time to cook. It’s that simple. Our life should match the identity list that we wrote out for step 1. How could I call myself a writer if I never write? How could I be a friend if I always make up excuses not to speak to or see my friends? Would you call me a mother if I didn’t care for my own children?
If your life does not match what you believe your identity to be, you need to take action that aligns with that identity. If you want to be a writer, carve out time routinely to write. If you want to be a friend, commit to reaching out to one every day. Whatever it needs to be, take a step towards that today.
4. Direct Your Attention Inward
I married my first husband because I thought it was what I should do. I know that’s shitty to say, but the truth usually is. I was 26 years old. We’d been together an appropriate length of time. He wanted a marriage and a family, and I did too.
I wouldn’t admit to myself until much later that we were completely ill-suited for one another. I wouldn’t know until much later as well that he had committed several acts of betrayal.
Because I was the one to file for divorce, I was the bad guy to a lot of people. He “wanted it to work out for the kids,” and I “wasn’t giving him enough chances.” Several people even told me, “You never know. You guys might get back together in the future.”
Hmm…..
You are never going to make everyone happy, and when we get stuck doing things for others, we betray ourselves. Instead of worrying about how other people are feeling about what you’re doing, worry about how you are feeling about what you’re doing.
5. Do Things That Scare You
I grow the most in the gray areas of life when nothing is mapped out or known when I have to change because staying the same would be more painful.
If you have identified that you’re an “outdoorsy” person, then why aren’t you hitting the trails every weekend and pooping in holes? What’s holding you back from making your life align with you?
My current job isn’t conducive to me in many ways. I’m an introvert, but it’s a job for an extrovert. It’s not writing. I spend too much time commuting. It’s the thing that I am changing, and the thing that scares me the most.
All change is scary and uncomfortable, but without it, we can’t grow. The things that scare us the most are usually the things we need to do the most.
The act of living for yourself may seem selfish and, to a degree, it is. You can’t be happy if you’re relying on other people to do it for you. You can’t expect other people to know what you secretly love and want to do more than anything and to make your life look the way you want it to. You have the power to move your life in any direction you want, and you get to be the driver. Make your life one you can be proud of.
Happy growing!
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: Tara Blair Ball