5 Steps To Make Your Relationship Last Longer

For over ten years I’ve had conversations with women and men who have sworn to me that they found “The One.” They start with a few dates, fantastic dinners, great sex, and flawless introductions with friends and family. I’ve even heard this one:

“This is the person I could marry.”

Shortly after, maybe a couple of months later, many of these people called me or texted me to “spill the tea” and tell me all about the latest details of their lives. The most common comment in the conversation was:

“Oh yeah, we are not dating anymore.”

After analyzing in detail the different conversations and thinking about all the stories, I realized that some of the problems were very similar and that we all make the same mistakes over and over again.

I dedicated myself to research ways in which these problems could be avoided, not with the desire of telling my friends what to do, but to be able to apply them to my life and my own relationship and try to be a good reference at least in my closest circle. And I think that now that you are reading me, you have become part of that circle too.

Let me share with you 5 steps that can help you to make your relationship last longer.

1. Communicate clearly.

Let’s try to be clear about what we like and dislike, not just saying yes to please our partners, because by doing so, we can slowly lose our essence, when we stop doing things that we like just to make our partner happy.

It’s important to find the balance between saying yes and being proactive and propositive in a relationship.

Another way to achieve good communication is active listening. It means listening carefully, keeping in mind not only the words but also the feelings, ideas and thoughts that your partner wants to share with you.

This will help you to execute actions on the run that can meet your partners needs on an ongoing basis.

Honesty is key. It’s not good to soften conversations by saying what the other person wants to hear. We all deserve the truth, no matter how bad it can be. It’s something that keeps the relationship healthy.

Let’s talk about the future. Another important point in couples’ communication is to be clear about the individual plans for the future, with the intention of analyzing which goals are shared and which ones are deal breakers. Do you want to live abroad? Say it. Do you want to get married and have children? Say it. Do you want to focus on your career and travel around the world? Say it!!

The worst mistake you can make is to hide your dreams to avoid losing a relationship that will end sooner or later because both of you want to follow different paths.

Learn to say NO without feeling guilty. If you don’t like a plan, an activity or proposal from your partner or at some point it makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable, don’t do it just to please.

Find in yourself the confidence of saying “No, thank you.”, “That’s not what I want to do.”, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” or simply “No.” Being able to honestly and politely refuse your partner’s requests is also important to have a healthy relationship.

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2. Enjoy the 1 on 1 as much as you can.

Another common problem in failed love stories is the influence of other people outside the relationship.

One of my friends once told me that, after a couple of weeks, she introduced her suitor to one of her friends — and that was the beginning of the end. “He’s an idiot.”, “He’s not for you.”, “He’s a womanizer.” All these comments found a place in my friend’s mind. She began to see things where there was nothing, and she doubted him even if there were no reasons to do so.

A couple of weeks later, she ended the relationship without giving herself a chance to really get to know him.

Within relationships, the bubble is crucial. The bubble is the agreement to put the relationship first, before everything and everyone. It’s essential at the beginning of the relationship to get to know each other, provide quality time and security, and build bases that can resist external opinions and situations that can put the relationship at risk.

Give yourself a couple of months inside the bubble to get to know your partner and build your own opinion about the person and the relationship; the good things, the bad things and everything that needs to be worked on.

Enjoy that 1 on 1 time to discover more things in common, have fun, and share your goals and dreams. Take the time to enjoy intimacy, not only sexual but also emotional openness and acceptance of your partner. After spending quality time together, the relationship will grow stronger, and you will be able to withstand any type of external affectation.

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3. Respect your partner’s space and take care of yours.

Before entering fully into a relationship, you must understand that both you and your partner have a life and are independent people. It’s important to respect the activities that each one has in your daily routines and also to realize that not all your free time will be spent together.

You must know and respect your partner’s hobbies and understand that there are other persons in his/her life to whom they want to give love and attention, such as friends or family.

Don’t invade your partner’s space uninvited. If your partner invites you to share an activity, try it and let him/her know that you appreciate the time together. If there’s an activity that your partner likes to do alone, respect that and propose to do something together some other time.

Just as your partner has a daily routine and special activities, you too can have yours! You can workout, go out with your friends, take dance lessons, read, write, etc.

Do not leave activities that you like to do on a daily basis to do only what your partner likes, as this will create a gap in your routine, and you will expect your partner to fill it. Therefore you will create a “need” and if your partner doesn’t fill it, you will feel the need to demand something that you need to give to yourself.

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4. Never beg for attention

This is simple, when there’s interest, you can notice and when there’s not, it’s even more evident.

When you care about someone you will find the time for a video call, a text message or a date.

If you find yourself constantly asking for attention, it’s time to re-evaluate the time and effort invested in the relationship. Never give too much of yourself when you’re not getting it back.

Also, don’t try so hard if you don’t see interest from the other side. In love, no one should row the boat alone, since love is made by two.

If you feel that your partner is not giving you the basic attention that you require, let him/her know that you would like to have more communication and find a timing that you can both be comfortable with.

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5. Take responsibility for what you did wrong and apologize.

If, unintentionally, sometimes you offend or treat your partner in the wrong way, do not wait for the moment to pass and hope for everything to go back to normal because it was a “little thing.”

You must apologize on time to avoid resentments and not let the problems accumulate to the point of having a 6-month-long fight.

If you feel like your partner has done something that hurt your feelings, look for the right moment and make it known. It will be up to him/her to apologize and you will be able to tell if your partner has interest in your feelings or if there’s an “Im not dealing with this” situation.

If a person doesn’t care enough about you to say “I’m sorry” and pretends that nothing happened… Like Ariana Grande says , “Thank you, next.” Don’t let someone make you feel bad and ignore the situation. Be clear and demand the respect that you deserve.

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Final Thoughts

Every relationship is different but each of these steps can be applied to every relationship in your life.

If you find yourself in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, take two steps back and look at the big picture, ask yourself if a dysfunctional relationship is worth losing your peace.

Your relationship must give you confidence and mental peace, not internal strife.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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