5 Strategies to Improve Your Marriage that Don’t Require Your Partner’s Cooperation

So, you’re married. And the conversations at home are getting empty, angry, or perhaps downright dreadful. The bedroom is no longer a lover’s den but a cave of isolation to contemplate marital separation.

Worst of all, it seems as if your lover isn’t even trying to make things better. Or, they said they would change and go to couple’s counseling, but that was just lies.

Keep those wedding rings superglued. Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash

Is there anything you can do to superglue this broken love boat back together again? Yes. And it does not require anything from your seemingly distant, uninterested, lately unrecognizable and sadly drifting away sweetheart.

You can’t change people. But, you can change how people perceive and react to you. Accordingly, you can adjust how you perceive and respond to people.

You control, to an extent, how you act, and you teach people how to treat you. They don’t work overnight, but they do work. Here are the strategies to get your spouse to treat you and your marriage better.

Treat your spouse like you need a big favor from them.
Tell them, “Honey, you’re right,” and mean it.
Buy your spouse a gift for no reason at all, regularly.
Change your hairstyle and clothes for the better.
Plan how you are NOT going to get upset during an argument.

These tips may seem like warning sign #2 from 12 Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior — That Passive-Aggressives Don’t See.

Appear sweet, compliant and agreeable, but are really resentful, angry, petty and envious underneath. You’re living with pairs of opposites within, and that’s making those around you crazy. Rhoberta Shaler

Positive influence, not passive-aggression, is a tactic in use here.

Now, let’s improve your marriage.

…

1. Treat Your Spouse Like You Need a Big Favor from Them.

Treat your spouse like you need them- not like they are a nuisance. Photo by Unsplash

When you get married, you lose a ton of legal independence. Sometimes, this means you need your spouse to sign legal documents to get to do something that you would have otherwise done alone.

One time, I needed my husband’s signature on some documents, but we were not on the best terms and barely speaking.

So, I needed to butter him up to get him to go along with my plan. I was on my best “wife behavior,” and I had no issues getting him to sign the documents. “Great,” I thought, “that was easy.”

Next, the God voice in me asked, “Why don’t you always treat your husband like you need a big favor from him?” That idea made sense. So I did start treating him that way, more often. I was kinder to him and a bit more patient and less snappy. He didn’t have to do anything, but I could see he appreciated the slight attitude adjustment on my part.

I treated my husband as if I needed a big favor from him. He was suspicious of my change for a while and suspected I was up to no good. Eventually, he acclimated to my “niceness” and valued the switch-up.

2. Tell Them, “Honey, You’re Right,” and Mean It.

Does your spouse have an unrelenting complaint about something you do or do not do? Mine does/did. It was my cooking. My food was, in his cruel, thankless words, “Too spicy,” “Tasteless,” “Burnt,” or “Downright unappetizing.” Who could deal with such hateful reviews?

But, to my surprise and his, one day, I listened to what he was saying. Before, I didn’t listen to these comments because it felt as if he was spraying me with a 50 caliber machine gun loaded with I-hate-you darts. Those words hurt. They left “Oh, woe is me” scars.

When I stopped feeling and truly listened to his words, I mean, tuned in like a logical person, not like a vulnerable, self-pitying wreck, I said, “You’re right, I do need to start cooking better.” (Really, I felt a shock wave through my body when I said those words). I couldn’t believe I said that.

Yet, I studied a few recipes, became more patient with cooking, and the taste of my meals improved- at least according to my husband’s palette, mine too.

My husband was trying to make suggestions to help me, but I received his counsel as a character attack. It didn’t help that these “suggestions” came during screaming matches. But that screaming match got quiet and changed forever when I said, “You’re right.” I didn’t just stop by saying, “You’re right.” I showed my husband that I was actively using his advice.

I agreed with my husband that my cooking could improve. I prepare better meals, and hubby likes most of them. His attitude has improved.

3. Buy Your Spouse a Gift for No Reason at All, Regularly.

I use this strategy a lot. I buy my husband polo shirts because that’s one of his “things.” So, I am always looking for a shirt that would look great on him and appeal to his style metrics.

Buy your baby something nice. Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

I buy my husband polo shirts. He feels better because I was thinking of him. He looks hot in his new shirt. This thankfulness and sparked attraction are good for our marriage.

4. Change Your Hairstyle and Clothes for The Better.

Everyone can use a style upgrade now and then. To a withdrawn partner like an image upgrade, nothing conveys, “Hey, look at me!” to a withdrawn partner like an image upgrade.

Psychologically, when people see a positive physical change in you, their mind tells them there must also be some positive mental change as well. Meaning perhaps you are happier, more intelligent, more fun, or more adventurous. Who knows what has changed about you.

Nothing says, “Hey, look at me!” like a fresh haircut. Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Your physical change arouses mental intrigue. Mental intrigue urges people to ask questions and engage in conversation. Boom! Your makeover will make a spouse ask questions. Even if it’s just, “Where’d you get the money for that makeover?” it’s a start.

5. Plan How You Are Not Going to Get Upset During an Argument.

If you know your spouse well, you know what pushes their buttons, and you know that they know how to push your buttons. Some couples argue about the same things over and over again. I analyzed the most common arguments with my spouse and found this observation true.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

I don’t want to have the same argument over and over again. I asked myself, what is a fight that I never want to have with my husband again? That’s stupid and wasteful. I had several options to choose from but settled on never arguing about how it takes him FOREVER to get ready to leave for a trip.

Here’s how the argument usually plays out: I am in the car with the kids waiting to leave. My husband does random things that I think he should have done hours/days ago and not at the point when we need to go on a trip. Next, he forgets things like his wallet or phone, and we have to return to the house.

Urrrrr. This wallet hunt used to drive my always-prepared, stay-on-schedule mind crazy. Then I would get into an argument with my husband about how he is so slow and a terrible planner.

What’s your role in all of this bickering? Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

Then, I analyzed MY ROLE in this repetitive argument.

I was the one that was upset first. I was impatient. Was my husband doing anything illegal or immoral? No, he was annoying the Holy Jesus out of me. But really, I was letting my impatience annoy the inner peace out of me.

So, I planned how I would act the next time this potential argument arose (it had the potential to occur every month, by the way). The plan: the next time my “husband-is-annoying-me-again” meter rose due to my lack of patience, I would read in the car while waiting and not focus on his shortcomings. I sidestepped anger. All enjoyed a tranquil road trip.

Rerun arguments could be a Sign Your Relationship Is Already Over. But you have the power to rewrite that forecast.

When your relationship has become a never-ending string of arguments, grievances and all-out fights, then you’re looking at a relationship that’s gone past it’s expiration date. Going from fight to fight is a surefire sign that something has gone horribly wrong at the core of your relationship and neither of you are managing to address it.

…

Summary

My five strategies for improving a marriage with a non-participant don’t always work. My husband does not always immediately respond positively to my changes. But, eventually, he responds positively to my changes- because I keep at it.

I’m not perfect, but I do what I can with what I have. I plan for the mood that I want to have. I control my reactions. I perceive my husband and his actions as more constructive and human.

Your spouse may be literally driving you to a divorce lawyer, but you can swerve that car around. You can take the steering wheel of your life, a life tethered to someone you love, and drive in a whole new direction just by changing your actions and attitudes.

The way you genuinely treat people will change the way they treat you. There’s nothing passive-aggressive about that.

Umm hugging. Do more of this with your spouse. Photo by Gus Moretta on Unsplash

This article may seem to advocate being passive-aggressive or submissive. But it does not. There is nothing passive or self-forsaking about taking control of how you experience life. Roughly 66% of your life experiences are defined by what happens in your home- mostly in your bedroom and in your kitchen.

Change the dynamics of your hurtful relationship. Shift control from the non-participant to the non-surrendering, HOPEFUL romantic.

Someone has to keep your marriage focused on the promise of love and happiness that brought you two together in the first place.

The Payoff

Using these five strategies, perhaps you can inspire your would-be deserter to recommit to your relationship. If nothing else, your attitude, hairstyle, and wardrobe should improve.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***