Most victims of gaslighting have no idea they’re being gaslighted.
The reason is that gaslighting can be difficult to identify.
It usually starts subtly and gradually intensifies. By the time the victim recognizes and accepts they’re being emotionally abused, they have become too attached to their gaslighter and the gaslighter has gained too much control over them.
Gaslighters have some go-to tactics they use to confuse, harm, and control their victims. If you learn to identify them, you can protect yourself against them and leave a gaslighter before they cause you serious harm.
Let’s take a look at them.
…
1. They Distance You From Your Support Systems
In order to gain total control over you, a gaslighter needs you isolated, alone, and vulnerable.
In order to achieve that, they’ll try to convince you everyone is your enemy. They’ll use manipulative tactics to distance you from your family members and close friends until the only person left to rest your shoulders on is them.
As professor and coach Preston Ni mentions in his article in PsychologyToday:
“By deploying demagoguery tactics such as “us versus them,” “divide and conquer,” “isolate and control,” “enemies are everywhere,” and “I’m your only hope,” the gaslighter places the gaslightee in a psychological straight jacket, and further establishes an authoritarian relationship.”
Without a support system to warn or protect you, the gaslighter becomes indispensable to you and thus, gains immense power and control over you.
…
2. They Project Their Feelings Onto You
Freudian projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously use by projecting their feelings or emotions onto someone else.
When projection is used as a gaslighting technique, the gaslighter will accuse you of feeling and thinking things you don’t — but they do — leading to question your reality and yourself.
As mental health counselor Stephanie Sarkis describes in her article in Forbes:
“A gaslighter/narcissist’s goal is to make you question your own reality and keep you off kilter. By accusing you of the very thing he is doing, the gaslighter/narcissist makes you frantically try to defend your innocence. Meanwhile, he is doing whatever he pleases. He has bought himself some time, while you are trying to prove you didn’t do something.”
They usually paint themselves as the victim, when they are the ones perpetuating the emotional abuse; falsely accuse you of a behavior they are exhibiting; provoke you t get a bad reaction from you, and then blame you for the tension that follows.
3. They Discourage You From Practicing Self-Care
A gaslighter wants you all to himself.
Ideally, they’d want you to be 24/7 at their service, running to them every time they call you, with nothing in your mind but them.
In order to materialize their ideal scenario, they will discourage you from practicing anything related to self-care — and weaken you emotionally.
You want to start yoga? They’ll say it’s boring and useless. You thought of a new goal? They’ll tell you there’s no chance you can achieve that. You met an interesting guy/girl who could turn out to be a great friend? They’ll make a fuss about how much that person sucks.
The less you practice self-care, the more unstable, stressed, and vulnerable to their influence you become.
…
4. They Alter Your Version of Reality
Another tactic gaslighters use is to toy with your memories so that they make you constantly question your sense of reality and feel like you’re going crazy.
When you’re with them, you might often catch yourself thinking things like:
- Did I actually say that?
- Why did I forget that happened?
- Why does my memory fail me so often?
- What’s wrong with me?
Here’s how psychoanalyst Robin Stern describes the process:
“The powerful gaslighter (…) engages in an ongoing, systematic knocking down of the other, less powerful, person, purposely controlling the relationship by telling the other that there is something wrong with the way she sees the world (…) Meanwhile, the gaslightee, by agreeing with him or allowing his perceptions define hers, over time, loses confidence, feels unsure and experiences a growing shakiness of self. Gradually, the gaslightee begins to question what she thought she knew, and gives up the power to stand in her own reality.”
…
5. They Use Your Insecurities Against You
Everyone has their insecurities and it takes courage to admit them, let alone talk about them with another person.
When you reveal your deepest parts and insecurities to your partner, you want them to embrace, support, and help you feel better about the parts of yourself you’re not particularly proud of.
A gaslighter, on the other hand, will use these insecurities against you, as a tool to lower your self-esteem and make it easier to manipulate you.
They’ll take advantage of your fears, increase your self-doubts, deepen your insecurities, and even point out your flaws in front of others to put you down and leave you feeling vulnerable.
…
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.
It’s not just annoying behavior. It’s harmful and can have devastating consequences on your self-esteem.
It’s abuse.
If you’re in a relationship and have identified any of the above tactics being used against you, it’s imperative that you talk to someone — a friend, a family member, or a specialist, whoever you feel more comfortable talking with.
You should also recognize and accept that you can’t change a gaslighter simply by loving them. In the rare chance that an abuser recognizes and regrets the harm they’re causing their victims, it might take years of therapy for them to genuinely change.
Be kind to yourself and step away from an environment of toxicity and abuse.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com