Love follows no rules. Over the past months I have received countless calls from friends who are getting married, having kids, moving in with their partners and here I am, 10 days from my 36th birthday, single.
This said, my friends, I discovered that I feel serene and at peace with myself. Whilst discovering this new found sense of joy, I discovered 5 key learnings that have brought me to this new happy place.
The past year, as you know, has been one of hope and heartbreak, of vulnerability and courage, a year in which I opened my heart with open arms and received very little back.
The truth is that through these massive ups and downs, I learned I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Most importantly, I learned to embrace endings instead of fearing them and to fill that lonely void within my heart with a different kind of love.
I learned to:
1. Open my eyes to what I already have
We talk about all the things we want and need to change about ourselves and our lives so much that we often forget the things we want to keep, the roots that are already planted, the people and elements that truly matter and that make all our life and struggles worth it, every single day.
While I was running my end of year ‘how badly did I screw up my life’ assessment I realized I am actually ok. In fact, I am more than okay: I lead a privileged life, with lots of love from my family, from friends of all walks of life, I have built a career I love, I have a beautiful roof over my head.
Before writing your goals and wishes, my advice is to take a moment to turn off every device and just listen to yourself. While you are present in this moment right here and right now, identify what is already part of your life that you are thankful for and what you are prepared to let go of.
As for me, taking this time to think of all of the bits and pieces that are already in the right place, I have realized I am happy, right here and right now.
2. Put as much energy into myself as I put into my partner (or crush)
I heard a new song from Anna from the North called ‘I do you’. There is a line that says:
If I did me, the way I do you
I’m not sure if I just added my own meaning to her lyrics but it got me wondering: what would happen if I put as much love and effort into myself as I have put in every single partner I have had?
I have a feeling that this love and energy channeled in a different direction would bring me joy, success and a sense of peace. I began redirecting this flow as I let go of someone who was stealing all of my energy and giving nothing back.
I realized that words matter, especially the ones we direct towards ourselves.
What if we spoke to ourselves with the same kindness we use towards our loved ones?
What if, when we fail at something, we truly comforted ourselves?
What if instead of expecting the moon from ourselves we were more understanding when we have a bad day?
My second learning to be applied in 2023 is to be kind and considerate towards myself. I will match the energy I put into my partner into myself.
3. You can love again (and again, and again, and again)
Last year, unfortunately, I stopped believing in the romantic notion of soulmates. I do believe in a deeper recognition with other beings, but I no longer believe that there is one and only one person that is right for each of us.
I believe that to love again you need to put in a bit more love than the last time you loved.
I believe love is a conscious choice mixed with the magic of chemistry.
I realized this as I saw my ex of 5 years again. I believed I would love him forever and instead my heart was no longer his. The hole he left when we broke up was no longer a void filled with meaningless s&*t. I was whole again, and he had become someone I will always with all the best to but will never be a part of my life again.
That crazy passionate love that we shared had mutated into something you wold feel for a distant relative.
You can love again, you can try again, you can heal from anything if you put in the work to do so. Even when you think it is impossible, even when you think you’ll never stop loving the person you were with, know deep within your heart that you have the power to love again.
4. Consistency is the sexiest trait
Forget mystery, behind it there is nothing.
It is consistency that turns me on in my mid 30’s. It is knowing where I stand, loving where I stand, feeling taken care of, feeling loved every single day.
It is knowing that that person will be there tomorrow, that they will not be ghosting you or leaving without many words when times get rough.
5. Don’t hold off on planning your life for someone who either hasn’t walked into it yet or who is not doing the same for you
I used to hold off on decisions about my future such as looking for a flat to buy or booking vacations ahead of time just in case someone special would walk through my life.
I kept a space for someone that at the moment doesn’t even exist.
I also held the space for someone who had just walked into my life and who did not hold any space for me.
In 2023, I have decided to plan my life freely and for me. I will plan things that in my mind would have made my imaginary partner happy simply to make myself happy. Nothing is permanent, if they walk into my life, if they are putting in as much effort and love as I am, I will create all the space we need to exist then.
In truth, I finally understood that I was looking for love in all the wrong places.
And at the end of this heart wrecking year I discovered one thing that I certainly could not have said last January: I did fall in love, just as I had so vehemently asked in my letter to the universe at the same time last year, but this time, I fell in love with me.
I learned the importance of endings, of closing what only hurts us, in friendships and in love.
I learned to let go instead of desperately trying to change what’s not being kind towards me.
I finally learned that you have to walk through pain to get to the other side, there is no way around it and you cannot numb it forever.
I learned to take a break when I need it most without feeling guilty.
I learned that prioritizing your health, both mental and physical, has to be at the forefront of priorities for everything else to work.
I learned that emotions are a wave, they will always go up and down (just like my weight) but there is no need to panic because life will always come at you in waves, and we will all eventually learn to ride them.
2022, I am grateful.
In you I found balance, I discovered that endings are beautiful, though it will always be a work in progress, in you I found myself as an adult woman navigating her 30’s, almost ready for the second half of this part of her journey towards 40 (aaaaahhhh).
I am grateful to myself, for putting myself out there even when the stakes are high, for always saying what I feel, vulnerably, as the person that I truly am. For acting with others as I wish others acted towards me. For having the strength to believe in the best, as well as for finding the strength to let go.
I am thankful for you, my reader, for this blog that has allowed me to process and share emotions and learnings, for my friends who stood by me through thick and thin and as always and for my beautiful family.
I will leave you from a quote I read this morning with my wishes to you for a 2023 in which you could capture all of your dreams:
I hope this year brings you the love you’ve always deserved. I hope it brings you people who stay, people who mean what they say, and the people whose actions align with their words. I hope it brings you people who apologize when they make mistakes. I hope it brings you pepople who truly see you for who you are. And people who love your heart. Above all, I hope this year brings you home to yourself so that you never abandon yourself to get all of the above.
Najwa Zebian
2023, let’s do this.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com