5 Things Men Get Wrong About Attraction

Whoever told you attraction doesn’t matter lied.

Imagine you’re in a relationship with a perfect person. You’re a good match, love spending time together, and have a nice relationship. Except you’re not attracted to each other. I have bad news: your relationship isn’t a relationship; it’s a friendship.

Attraction is at the core of every romantic relationship.

Yet, attraction is the cause of multiple arguments between men and women. Here’s why: men don’t understand how attraction works. They act the way they were taught, and it leads to failed attempts at relationships, frustration, and wasted time.

Attraction isn’t simple. But it isn’t a crazy monster either.

All you have to do is understand how women think. This way, you can adjust your actions and become more successful.

Here are the things men believe about attraction that are entirely wrong (and what to do instead):

1. Attraction is about your looks.

Men are visual. When they see a good-looking woman, they’re immediately attracted. It’s quite simple: attraction is only based on your looks.

Except attraction goes way beyond that.

Let’s cut the cr*p: looks matter. When you’re good-looking, it increases the chances that others will find you attractive. But believing that looks are enough is an oversimplification of attraction.

Attraction is a mix of multiple variables: personality, how you act, your clothes, and even the way you talk. It’s a mix of minor details and major characteristics that come together to paint the bigger picture.

Looks are only one of these variables.

What to do:
When men believe only looks matter, they’ll overlook the minor details that matter just as much.

You’ll put effort into the wrong things. Imagine you spend hours getting ready but forget to be nice or act insecure. When you get home, you can’t figure out why she didn’t find you attractive. Newsflash: it’s because you overlooked important things.

It’s okay if looks are your priority. But women also care about other details. Next time, think of the bigger picture.

2. Attraction happens immediately.

You’ve seen this scene in at least one hundred movies: the sexy woman walks into a bar. All heads turn to her; she’s beautiful and confident. Every man is immediately attracted to her.

Real-life is nothing like that.

In real life, you could take longer to feel attracted to someone. Have you ever met a person who grew on you? Have you ever heard of the friends-to-lovers trope?

Attraction takes time to develop. It’s not love at first sight.

What to do:
When you believe attraction is this intense emotion you feel when you first see a person, you oversimplify attraction (again). It’s like believing in love at first sight.

Yes, you might find a woman beautiful. But other qualities can also make someone attractive. And when you turn down everyone because you don’t feel immediate butterflies in your stomach, you risk losing great opportunities.

You shouldn’t force yourself to go on dates when you’re not attracted to your partner. But sometimes, you just need a change of perspective and give a chance to someone.

The only way to know how a story ends is to let it unfold (and not kill it at the first issue you encounter).

3. She’ll sleep with you because she’s attracted.

Men have a simple philosophy when it comes to sex: if he’s attracted, he’ll want to sleep with her. It’s mostly a physical deal. You’re not wrong: that’s a solid reason to have sex.

But it takes two to have sex. And women don’t think the same.

For women, sex is more complex. “I’m attracted to you” won’t always be enough to sleep with you. They take more aspects into consideration: feelings, how comfortable they are with you, and even their safety.

Your girlfriend might feel attracted to you and still not want to have sex.

What to do:
Understand that women have different expectations for sex. Just because you think attraction is enough to have sex, it doesn’t mean she thinks the same.

There are two main things you can do:

1. Listen to her. This way, you’ll know her expectations so you can act accordingly. Imagine she’s attracted but not ready for the next step. In this case, you can ask what you can do to make her more comfortable and respect her timing.
2. Adjust your expectations. Most problems happen because people have the wrong expectations (and they’re frustrated). So when you go on a date with an attractive woman, expect to have a good time and get to know her.

Sex is a natural consequence when you connect with your partner. So be patient and let things happen naturally.

4. If you’re attracted once, you’re always attracted.

Let me propose a quick exercise: Imagine how your body was five years ago.

I’m guessing it changed (if not a lot, with minor details). Your body changes throughout your life. And not only your body. You change your style, clothes, makeup, and even your confidence. All these things affect your attractiveness.

Attraction changes.

Life isn’t fixed, and attraction is no exception. Don’t be surprised if you’re suddenly not attracted to your partner (or if you’re suddenly attracted to a person you have known for ages).

What to do:
You can’t control attraction. But when you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ll notice how much you change. You’re not the same couple when you start the relationship and when you have kids.

Here’s what will help you stay attracted to your partner:

• Spend time together. You have to prioritize your partner, even when it’s only one night per week. That’s how you stay connected to each other.
• Communicate your needs. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. It sounds obvious, but 90% of problems in relationships can be solved with open communication.
• Care for yourself. You can buy new clothes, wear makeup, or try a new hairstyle. Don’t get too comfortable just because you’re in a stable relationship. Physical attraction is also important.

Relationships take effort. You can’t control attraction (although you wish you could). But when you stop putting in the effort in your relationship, I can guarantee your attraction will die.

5. Attraction and sex are the same.

Men confuse attraction with sex. They think just because they feel attracted to a woman, they’re ready for sex.

But attraction is complex by itself. Sex is even more complex.

Here are a couple of things that can stop you from having sex with a woman (although you’re deeply attracted to her):

• Your stress levels.
• How tired you are.
• The amount of alcohol you drink.
• Your connection with her (newsflash: men have feelings too!).

What to do:
Understand that attraction and sex aren’t the same. If you don’t want to (or can’t) sleep with a woman, it doesn’t mean you’re not attracted to her. So don’t take it personally when a woman doesn’t want to sleep with you.

Attraction and sex are related, but they’re not the same.

Men get these things wrong about attraction because they oversimplify it. But attraction is far from simple.

There are no fixed rules of attraction (although I wish there were). But this article gives you a new perspective so you can understand how attraction truly works. This way, you can develop better relationships, adjust your expectations, and communicate your needs.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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