5 Things To Do When Your Marriage Hurts

There’s a saying that hurt people hurt people. And I see this frequently with my clients. One partner hurts the other and then that person responds in kind. Whether it’s heated arguments, name-calling, talking over each other, the silent treatment, or withholding physical contact, it’s destructive. And, in many marriages, it goes on for years.

Other times, one partner hurts because they feel neglected and ignored. It isn’t active destruction, just what I call the death of a thousand cuts. Each day, a little bit more of the love fades away. This can happen when either or both of you focus only on what you don’t like about the relationship.

Happiness studies show it takes five positive interactions to balance a negative one. So, even if there is good stuff happening, it is undervalued. Only paying attention to what’s not working has another downside. You invite more of what you focus on.

I’m not saying that there aren’t real challenges in your marriage. Most likely there are because all marriages have challenges. The difference between a loving, supportive marriage and one that hurts is in what you do about them.

1. Identify the source of your pain. This isn’t as easy as it sounds because all marriages give you a built-in scapegoat—your partner. Your wife may be doing something that you don’t appreciate but how you respond to it is on you. More than likely what she is doing taps into a part of you that was wounded long before you ever met and you respond to that hurt in the automatic way you’ve been doing all your life. I recommend using the ‘5 Why’ technique. State what you think is hurting you and ask ‘Why’ that matters. When you get that answer, ask ‘Why’ that is important. Keep doing that for five times and the real source of your pain will be revealed.

2. Examine your part. A relationship is made up of two people. Each of you adds stuff to it and takes stuff away. Over the years, you create patterns that you repeat over and over again. And it’s easier and less painful to focus on what your wife is doing. But the only place you have any control is in what you’re doing. When you identify your part in the pattern, you have the opportunity to do your side differently. When you do this consistently, she will no longer be able to do her same old thing.

3. Talk to your partner. Here comes the tricky part. Sharing your pain and what caused it with her is hard. It doesn’t require that she agrees with your perspective, so you need to know how to let go of that and not get sidetracked. Knowing how to explain without defending or justifying your feelings is a skill that can be learned.

4. Establish healthy boundaries. The reason your marriage hurts is that you have not created and enforced boundaries around acceptable and unacceptable behavior. You have been willing to accept things you shouldn’t have. A lot of this is old stuff that’s been there most of your life, probably unconsciously. But the hurt is a warning that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Again, this is a skill that can be learned, if you are willing.

5. Rebuild your relationship with new rules. Now you’re at a point where you can construct a healthier, happier, more sustainable marriage. One that limits hurts to both of you. And one that is done with intention instead of by chance or inertia.

Are you ready to stop the pain and get the love you deserve? Click here and we’ll talk about it.

source: The Hero Husband Project.com

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This post was previously published on foundationscoachingnc.com and is republished on Medium.

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