Ever wished there was an almost permanent solution to your heavy struggle with finding and keeping romantic partners? You might have even been putting in your best possible efforts to rewrite your dating story for a very long time, but up till now, nothing feels right about your dating life.
If so, then it isn’t surprising that you’ve countlessly found yourself wondering why some people seem to have it easy navigating from meeting dating prospects to having amazing love lives you can only wish for.
And maybe you’ve read a book or two about dating and relationships coupled with myriads of articles and resources online on how to succeed at dating, but there’s a little problem with a lot of them.
You don’t need to tailor or adjust yourself to fit what a potential partner wants just to make them fall for you. Nor do you need to be so obsessed with your relationship expectations that you end up having way too unrealistic expectations that’ll only make your relationships and love life more complicated than they should be.
While a lot of well-meaning advice from relationship experts, books, blogs, etc, teaches and encourages us to either try as much as possible to adapt and even become something our love interests will want. Or focus a lot more on what we want or expect from a partner or relationship, true attraction and success with dating are much more complex than having to fit into the expectations of love interests. Just as it’s also more than being focused on your idea of what an ideal partner should be.
For you to be successful and great at dating and relationships, you need to, first of all, let go of the deep-seated urge to make someone fall in love with you, then find a sweet spot between what you want and what your partner or love interests want, and finally, have the very best mindsets that’ll ensure you don’t end up with regretful could-haves and should-haves.
That’s why I’ve put together the list below that is nothing but a few of the very best mindsets, habits, and approaches that are the reasons why some people seem to be so “fortunate” enough to have better dating and love lives.
1. Striking a balance in the expectations of both parties
Like earlier mentioned, attracting, winning over prospective dates, or even having a better relationship and love life can result from anything but trying to make someone like or love you in return or worrying if someone will like you in return or not.
Because both of these to extreme extents reek of deep-seated insecurities and neediness. In the context of what I mentioned earlier, being so obsessed with what a love interest wants means you’ll try everything you can to make one love and accept you even if it means trying to be someone you’re not, trading your self-love and respect, or being an inauthentic nice person. Well, I don’t think there can be any worse ways to be unattractive, creepy, and needy than any of these.
In the same way, being so obsessed with what you want or your expectations might not only make you prone to have unrealistic ideals but might prompt you to impose those ideals on someone who was once “all you ever wanted” simply because you saw their flaws and imperfections. Or worse, you might end up trying to mold someone into something they’re not when you can’t seem to find your ideal mate.
But if you ask me, I’ll suggest you avoid both of the above scenarios at all costs. You wouldn’t want to lose yourself entirely simply because you want to be partnered. Nor would you want to alienate your partner with your ideals that’ll most likely be unrealistic and stifling for them.
Yes, your expectations matter but so do your partner’s (or potential partners.) So as a general rule of thumb, you should know what you want — making sure that they’re at least realistic, go for it, and be willing to accept, negotiate, compromise, and meet the other party’s expectations as well.
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2. Being solely responsible for your happiness
Contrary to what most people think, the people enjoying better relationships and love lives are the ones who are courageous enough to discover and walk down the path of making and keeping themselves happy whether they’re partnered or not.
Being a great source of happiness and fulfillment is one of the most sexiest and appealing qualities of great and satisfying relationships, however, being able to be happy and fulfilled on their own is one of the most underrated, little-known qualities of people who aren’t just good at relationships, but ‘easily’ enjoy better relationships.
Yet, a lot of us out of neediness are nothing but addicted to making the mistake of making our partners and relationships the only sources of happiness we’ve got in life.
Many of these people end up wondering why their relationships often turn out to be miserable, unhappy, and dissatisfying when it’s nothing but their counterproductive and problematic habit of casting their happiness on their partners that’s preventing them from attaining true happiness.
The worst part is that they’re oblivious to the fact that depending sorely on a partner for happiness or relying completely on a romantic partner to feel happy and fulfilled is nothing but an act of codependency.
That’s simply wrong because to enjoy better and more fulfilling relationships, you’re supposed to always aim for a relationship where you and your partner will maintain some levels of independence in almost all aspects of life including your sources of happiness.
Long story short, you don’t have to, and shouldn’t use your partner as an oasis ’cause you’re generally unhappy with your life — it’ll be a disaster if you do.
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3. Expressing yourself effectively or be braced for problems
Sounds cliche, right? I know, but unfortunately, most people don’t just get it.
What do you do when your partner unintentionally gets on your nerves or does things you’re uncomfortable with?
Do you bottle up or sweep all the negative emotions under the rug in a bid to avoid rocking the boat of the relationship? Or do you let your emotions get the best part of you as you lash out ruthlessly at your partner instead of opting to productively and effectively express your frustrations?
Well, either of these will breed problems that’ll only get you drowned in a pool of never-ending disappointment.
Sure, this might not seem like a big deal, but it is.
The ways and manners you manage, react, and deal with your feelings, frustrations, and the difficult conversations in your relationship hugely matter and are among the most important factors that contribute the most to the success of the relationship.
But one common yet counterproductive way people limit and sabotage their relationships is by thinking they’re too intimate with their partners that they expect their partners to read their minds and understand their deepest feelings and pain points even though they rarely take the time to explain themselves.
And at the end of the day, they end up harboring resentment towards their partners for failing to understand them.
But being able to express your feelings instead of bottling them up. And being able to do so without judgments whatsoever won’t only help you work through difficult situations, but it’ll also make you and your partner more connected and closer to each other — thereby making your relationship better.
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4. Setting clear boundaries and respecting that of the other
As a former chronic people-pleasing wimp, I have a long time learned that the #1 reason why a lot of people blatantly suck at relationships is that they often let their deep-seated urge to be validated, approved, and accepted drive them into putting themselves at a disadvantage to please their romantic partners.
However, this doesn’t mean you should completely avoid some little gestures that won’t only brighten and make your partner’s day but can in one way or another, make your relationship thrive.
But giving up who you are, succumbing to even the very worst of your partner’s demands you deeply don’t want to or putting up with bad treatments you know you shouldn’t all in the name of gaining approval, and love or in a bid to save a relationship from an ugly ending will do you more harm than good.
Because you’ll never be able to escape falling into disastrous relationships when all you do is put up behaviors that put your sense of self in the mud — which will most likely make you more sad than happy in the relationship.
That’s why you must learn to stick to who you are, your passions, your standards, etc, and establish clear boundaries of what you can take and what you won’t take. If you want to go into a relationship that’ll turn out healthy and satisfying.
In addition, you need to also learn to respect the other party’s boundaries without judgment if you don’t want to end up in a dysfunctional relationship.
In as much as you don’t want to often feel uncomfortable, disrespected, or violated, you shouldn’t want to make someone you want to build a great relationship with feel uncomfortable or disrespected.
So it’s good you both communicate and understand what you both look for and how to react to each other’s boundaries.
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5. Be willing to walk away when things don’t go well
Another terrible mistake a lot of people make is being unwilling to leave a relationship even when it’s gone wrong — when it brings them more pain than joy because it feels painful to walk away from, or for other worthless reasons.
The sad thing is that many of us do so out of fear of being single again, fear of hurting our partners, or not being able to find someone else.
And at the end of the day, they end up allowing themselves to endlessly cross self-respecting boundaries they should never consider crossing.
In the worst-case scenario, they allow themselves to be treated disrespectfully while deceiving themselves with flimsy excuses that they just need to be more patient, tolerant, and forbearing, instead of coming to terms with the fact, that a relationship isn’t good enough for them.
Yet, the blunt truth is that justifying, accommodating, and compromising unduly in any relationship are just worthless efforts especially when all odds are high that the relationship isn’t working anymore or was never meant to be in the first place.
That’s why you should always be willing to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship instead of holding onto it because of all your investments, efforts, and time in the relationship or other reasons.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
