Tor Constantino writes to every guy in a committed relationship who has ever wondered what she really wants.
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At least once in every committed relationship a guy has exasperatingly uttered that phrase, “I just don’t know what she wants!!!”
In 2015, my wife and I will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary as well as 25 years together as a couple, and while I don’t have all the answers, I do have some.
There’s a laundry list of obvious factors that contribute to a lasting relationship or marriage including: love, commitment, fidelity, physical health and intimacy, sacrifice, friendship, compatibility, honesty, healthy communication, common experiences, economic stability … etc.
Everybody knows the basics of the list and can add a bunch more.
What I’m talking about are specific things that guys can do to enhance their committed relationship with a woman and stay together.
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What I’m talking about are specific things that guys can do to enhance their committed relationship with a woman and stay together.
Here are five specific things that she wants from you but might not say—not necessarily because she’s being mean—she may assume you already know them or perhaps she’s not sure herself or she might not be able to fully articulate them to you or you might not be listening—who knows.
What I do know is that these nuggets of nuptial know-how have been gleaned from a quarter century of firsthand experience in a committed relationship with the one and only love of my adult life.
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1. Exclusive Lust
If your wife, fiancée, or girlfriend tells you that it doesn’t bother her when you look, flirt, or admire the physical attributes of another woman—she may not totally mean that.
for many women, any competition for your lust could negatively affect her self image, inner self talk, and interaction with you.
It might not be a big deal to you, but I’m telling you it might be to her. It’s almost a cliché how men are more eager to ogle and more easily stimulated visually. I’m a guy and I know how easy it is for me. But that can’t be an excuse to gawk at another woman.
You may say, “I can’t help it,” or “There’s nothing wrong with admiring beauty,” or “Lighten up, it’s not cheating if I’m only looking.”
If your wife, fiancée, or girlfriend tells you that it doesn’t bother her when you look, flirt, or admire the physical attributes of another woman—she’s lying.
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Maybe.
But each time you ogle or comment on another woman’s physical assets, you may be invisibly punching your significant other in the heart.
Sex is important in a marriage or committed relationship, and she probably doesn’t want to share you.
She also probably doesn’t want to be compared to other women; she wants to be desired and the sole sexual focus of your lust.
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2. Affectionate Attention
While sex is important, it’s important to recognize that it can also be isolated as a purely physical activity devoid of intimacy. Let’s face it, intimacy tends to be a problem area for many men.
Intimacy or “affectionate attention” requires intentional, non-sexual contact and interaction from you.
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If you truly want a better relationship or marriage, focus on building intimacy with her, which is different from sex.
Intimacy or “affectionate attention” requires intentional, non-sexual contact and interaction from you.
For example, hold her hand while walking; hug her daily for 10 seconds straight; kiss her good-bye before you both leave for the day; tell her how much you love her—if you’re rolling your eyes at these seemingly corny suggestions, that’s a good indication you’re not giving her enough affectionate attention.
Bonus tip: ask her how she would like you to engage in this particular activity. One woman might love a shoulder massage while doing the dishes, while another might be grossed out by a back rub while scrubbing suds.
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3. Random Romance
Remember back when you were courting/dating, and you would always try to think up new ways to surprise her or go out of your way to impress her?
She probably still wants you to do that—no matter how long you’ve been together.
If you think the relationship or marriage is “fine” by your own definition—it’s probably not by her definition.
By the time you think it’s “fine,” she might think the relationship is “dull,” “boring,” or “stale.” Don’t use the excuse, “I don’t have to say I love her—she already knows I love her.” Don’t just tell her you love her; show her you love her.
And don’t just send her a prosaic floral arrangement (I’ve learned that lesson)—think bigger, think spontaneous, think uniquely her, the woman you love. If you skipped work to get Madden NFL 15 for your Xbox—ask yourself, “What’s her Madden 15?”
Whatever that might be, get it for her or do it for her, then rinse and repeat when she least expects it.
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4. Secure Sharing
Your spouse needs to know that she can talk—share her heart with you—without you trying to solve her problems; pass judgment; minimize or dismiss her feelings; talk over her or mock her vulnerabilities.
This is the toughest area for me personally, because it requires me to listen empathetically, put down my iPhone or tablet to focus on what she’s saying, and try to see her particular perspective regarding the set of circumstances as she’s expressing them.
You’ve got two ears and one mouth, and you need to use them proportionately whenever she wants to share with you.
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This is not the time to debate, solve, or pontificate.
Just listen to her.
You may think you’re a great listener—but you’re most likely not.
You want her to get to the point. You want a summary. You want the problem described in 30 words or less.
Here’s what you need to do—you’ve got two ears and one mouth, and you need to use them proportionately whenever she wants to share with you.
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5. Sweat the Small Stuff
I’ve always had a problem with Richard Carlson’s Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff franchise series of books.
I understand his premise that tyranny of the minutiae can overwhelm a person’s life, but when it comes to committed relationships it’s all about focusing on minutiae, because the small stuff ladders up to big stuff.
If you stubbornly refuse to change small habits for the sake of the most significant relationship in your life, be prepared to spend a good portion of your life alone.
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Trust me on this.
If she hates that you leave the toilet seat up, the cap off the toothpaste, that you drink directly from the milk jug, never fill her gas tank … etc., then try to change those little behaviors.
If you stubbornly refuse to change small habits for the sake of the most significant relationship in your life, be prepared to spend a good portion of your life alone.
Also, focus on doing small things that she will appreciate such as cleaning up after dinner, bringing her coffee first thing in the morning, getting her car washed, picking up the dry cleaning or whatever mundane duties she usually handles.
Sweating the small stuff matters.
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The truth is that men and women often communicate differently. She might want you to know all this stuff and understand her without having to tell you—it’s not that she’s being mean; she just wants you to understand her.
She may even have told you parts of what she wants, but you might have missed it.
I may have missed all of it with this article, but try some of these tactics in your own relationship anyway.
At the very least, use this article as a discussion starter with her to begin a dialogue and develop your own list together—hopefully it won’t take you 25 years like it did for me.
BONUS: If you liked this article – check these other pieces by Tor Constantino:
8 Words Dads Can Say Daily to Help Their Kids Succeed
The Best Piece of Man-to-Man Advice I Ever Got
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Question: What other tips have you learned to strengthen your relationship?
Photo: Jonas Weckschmied / Unsplash
At 20 years married I believed I would be with my wife forever. I just thought we were just so right for each other. Now four years later we are through….something changed over the past couple of years and all the great times we shared are now just fading memories. I thought I was doing what I needed to but little did I know I was losing her. So while celebrating a notable achievement with what seems to be a solid relationship, don’t think it will automatically last forever. I made that mistake and now I’m paying the price for… Read more »
All great points! Thank you for your writing!
Very Nice. I think it will help in my relationship Am 17 and i get confused at times on relationship. THANKS ALOT.
“One woman might love a shoulder massage while doing the dishes, while another might be grossed out by a back rub while scrubbing suds.”
Or, ya know, simply do your equal share of the dishes (and housework). I think that should be number 1 on your list.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/09/marriage-happiness-study_n_5298235.html
http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/08/opinion/york-equal-housework/
Thank you for this article and for all the attention you have given to every person that responded. Just by your responses you can see the kind of person that you are and what you value, and respect of an other comes across clearly. It takes two to tango, always in any relationship, it’s the effort and mostly the willingness to do what ever it’s needed, for the other and for yourself. Your own maturity and self growth or willingness to grow emotionally and spiritually is also what makes a difference in any relationship. Thank you so much for writing… Read more »
This goes both ways. Im one of those men that is more in contact with their feminine side, Im emotional, I have wants and needs very much like those listed above and for the past 15 years was in a relationship where i didnt receive the same affection, lust, patients or attention that I tried to show her. Our communication shut down as well.
No. 1 BULLSHIT. it is a narrative it is because exclusivity and even “obsessive” behavior in men has been promoted over decades now. is exclusive desire flattering? often yes. but to deny that some women might actually mean what they say is truly annoying on a “good men” page. to clarify. I am not saying that there are more women who feel like me, than there are women who feel like it is described in No.1. But I know plenty of good open relationships, very stable and comprised of people who know what they want. Please do not silence us… Read more »
Um…ok, I guess. To be clear, I’m not trying to silence anyone Sonja, I’m actually trying to promote and encourage dialogue – I hope you read the entire article. If not, sorry you found it so offensive. My point that “…they’re lying…” under #1 was more intended for dramatic effect, than a statement of universal fact. Great that you know “…plenty of GOOD open relationships…” I don’t know of one in my personal experience, and I stand by my assertion that most women would prefer a monogamous relationship. Despite that, you’re welcome to your opinion and thanks for expressing it….
“I don’t know of one in my personal experience” — perhaps you shouldn’t be writing about something you know nothing about? Polyamorous people exist. Open relationships that work well are a real thing. Just because it’s something you’re not personally familiar with does not make it not real.
This is a great post, Tor. Although every woman (and man) is different, I think that these things are important to a great many women. Focusing on just 2 or 3 of these could make a huge positive difference in a lot of marriages.
That’s a great comment Gaye – I totally agree that we don’t have to get or do everything at the same time. Focus on a small change until it’s a habit and then tackle another. Thanks for making that point clear for all of us!!!
I really enjoyed this article. A lot of this stuff is stuff that I wish I knew long before I had to find it out on my own, but I guess it’s helped shaped me into a better person simply for the fact that I had to do it all on my own. Where were you a few years ago? 🙂 I jest, of course. I’m with those who mentioned communication, which really goes hand in hand with this entire article. I used to be very averse to communication, and used to wall myself in when I thought there might… Read more »
Peter, thank you for your generous comment! Your point about the importance of communication cannot be understated as well as the fact that the ultimate goal of communication is mutual understanding – that’s a bedrock of any successful relationship! I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts here!
The question at the end was about tips for relationships. My tip is simple and may be a little incompatible with the article itself: *You cannot expect to get what you want in your relationship without saying what you want.* That goes for men and women. Saying what you want does not guarantee that you will get it, but not saying it will pretty much guarantee that you don’t get it. If you expect your partner to “just know” what you need or want, then you are not in a real, peer-to-peer relationship. It can be totally scary and uncomfortable… Read more »
Steve, excellent point and I think a lot of women would agree. However, I do know that communication is a two-way street and a “want” or “need” expressed by one member of the relationship might be completely misunderstood, misinterpreted or simply ignored by the other individual. Regardless, you truly make a great point and I’m grateful for you sharing it here! Thanks!
I do agree that the small stuff adds up. We either make day-to-day choices that support our relationships or we make choices that don’t. We do this in our relationships with our parents, siblings, friends, kids and especially our life partners. We make choices all the time that either choose to honor them or don’t. It’s the difference between yelling at your kids for doing something bad or talking to them about what happened and showing them how they were wrong. It’s the difference between making time to go to your friend’s birthday part or choosing not to go because… Read more »
Wow – well said Erin. I especially like your point in the second paragraph regarding the biology of connection a woman might feel, which shouldn’t be discounted due to a biological argument that explains men’s penchant to admire other women. Thanks for the thoughtful comment!
Just wanted to say great article! Very well written, and excellent suggestions on how to improve. I read a fair number of articles on relationships on both advice for men and women, your article gives such solid advice. Keep up the good work and I hope to see more work like this!
I appreciate your kind comments Dan! I really appreciate the fact that you found this article to be different and worthwhile when compared to a lot of other pieces out there – thanks again!
Spot on! Exactly what I want in my marriage! It’s like you took the thoughts right out of my head! Thanks for the article!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Ashley – I’m glad you liked the article! Thanks again!
Not saying I don’t notice when someone is attractive but I don’t think oh their sexy or um um um.
I agree with all aspects of this. You can look all you want when your women isn’t around its disrespectful otherwise. And even if your not around your women what kinda man do you really wanna be. I don’t sit around gawking at other men in front of him or not. If you love someone you live everyday for that person you become better and better for that person. Do you wanna be a man with your tongue out at other women. Or a man who the women are wondering why your not looking at them this way. It’s more… Read more »
Glad to hear it Carrie! I especially like your point that if you love someone you “…live everyday for that person and become better and better for that person.” That’s a great way to say it – thanks for sharing here!
Great article. It’s been shared all over Facebook…which is where I saw this and posted it to my timeline. If my ex-husband had read this years ago, we might still be together. As a woman in her mid-40s, I can tell you that I want to feel special. And what I get from someone I give back 100%. You clean off my car in the morning after a winter storm, I have a hot breakfast waiting for you when you come inside. Giving to each other is the only way to keep a relationship alive. If it’s one-sided, someone is… Read more »
Thanks for the gracious words Kim – I really like your point about “feeling special.” I have two daughters and I’ve found that while I love them equally – it’s important to communicate to them that I love them both uniquely as well.
Although I do agree that most of this is can strengthen a relationship, it is a two-way street and not only up to the man to maintain intimacy.
Fair point Bill – I agree that every healthy relationship requires both individuals to make it work, spot on!
Great tips! I think these apply to both parts of a couple. When couples start taking each other for granted and stop doing special things for each other, the relationship will break down quickly. I’m a firm believer in “You get what you give.”
I completely agree Lisa that it takes two people to make it work! Also, if there is a single unifying theme to this article and the suggested tips – it’s consider the needs of your significant other before yours. That’s a critical point and I appreciate you highlighting it here in the comments!
Nailed it! Especially this part: “At the very least, use this article as a discussion starter with her to begin a dialogue and develop your own list together.” And when you do, it’s wise advice to listen with your two ears and one mouth proportionately (LOVE THAT). There aren’t formulaic tactics that work on all women (witness the responses from the women so far). But I’d bet most if not all women out there would say “Yep! That’s what I want!” to at least one on this list (again, witness the responses from the women so far ~ bet that… Read more »
Perfect comment Linda – you’re absolutely correct! I wasn’t trying to offer “The Relationships Gospel of Tor” but rather some guidelines I found to be true in my personal experience. There will obviously be variety in the types of things that are important to each relationship. This was merely an idea starter.
I was with you until “sweat the small stuff,” like Jenny above. I think that is totally a personality thing. My husband sweats the small stuff so much and so often, focusing on every minute detail that he rarely sees the big picture. Drives me crazy!!!! It has often kept us in a state of constant stress because the issue with small things is you never address it all at once unless you’re a super hero. I think a better #5 would be if you’re a “focus on the forest” person take the above advice. If you’re a “focus on… Read more »
Awesome comment Pamela – I think your comment is extremely valid. In reality, there are probably couples where NONE of my suggestions work. That’s fine. The intent was not to position these suggestions as the end-all-be-all, but rather as an opportunity to engage a dialogue with your significant other and customize your own ideas. Thanks for taking the time to post a comment!
Great! I look forward to making use of all this in my next life! No, really, it all makes sense! I’m a very contemplative Man, and have drawn similar conclusions at various moments in time. The thing is though,… is that all this is rather useless to those of us that are left on the sidelines,….! Heck, to think I actually was prone to being out on the dance floor,…. and to the extent of forgetting about the beverages even. But when one starts getting passed over on a relatively constant basis,..? It’d pretty understandable that the Dance floor becomes… Read more »
Jasper, thanks for taking the time to comment. You’re absolutely correct – it’s tough finding the right mate or even the wrong mate. But that’s not reason to give up. Relationship is risk, period. Like I said, I don’t have all the answers – no one does. Truth is the GMP can’t find anyone true love, the best it can do is possibly raise a degree of self awareness and areas of change that we can control. Sorry this article wasn’t more useful to you….
This woman sounds immature if she’s allowing others to make her feel insecure by her partner simply looking. Lust is not universally monogamous, stop trying to fit a square into a round hole.
Thanks for reading and commenting Archy. I didn’t assert that lust is “universally monogamous;” however, within the confines of a committed relationship or marriage – men need to make choices that support and uplift their mate. To use your words, I think it’s much more “immature” to let sexual appetite and selfish physical gratification trump a committed relationship. Regardless, thanks for weighing in on the topic.
Yup, we’re insecure. Aren’t you? Everyone is to some degree. Well, maybe not narcissists and sociopaths. Looking is also a matter of degrees. I’m not offended if my partner casually looks at another woman as we go by occasionally, but with some (many) of my exes it was often and obvious. And, most importantly, they didn’t look at or notice me the same way. No, they aren’t my exes just because of looking. They’re exes because of that and that they didn’t show affection much if at all without an expectation of sex, left me wondering if they loved me,… Read more »
Great comment Linda – thanks so much for sharing your insights!
There’s that security word again. TGMP should have someone write a piece on why that is so important for women. That one’s a real mystery to me.
Purist, I don’t think that insecurity is unique to women – take a look at Jasper’s comment below…. it’s part of the human condition.
I can try to explain 🙂 Women are by nature nurturers. We look for a relationship and when we are happy with finding one, we want to put our bags down and start building and creating something. A deep relationship, a happy home for the kids, a place that others can come and be a part of as well. We instinctively feel this is what we are meant to do and we can do it better if the environment is safe and we feel secure. That spells love for us.
Uhh…I’m not so much like this. I think it depends on the women. I am huge on don’t sweat the small stuff!!! Take 5 deep breaths…it’s really not a big deal. Stress is a killer to all of us!! I do like a lot of what you have to say. But I think I am kind of different. Even with the looking at other women….we gotta learn to not take it personally. They’re men…they are not doing it on purpose. They don’t do a lot of things on purpose that we take personally. Just ask “am I still your only… Read more »
Great feedback and comment Jennie. I understand your feelings that “every woman is unique.” I said at the end of the article, every guy should use this article as a discussion starter and create a list that’s unique to his mate! Thanks again for taking the time to comment.
You really hit the head on the nail with this one. 100% yes.
Thanks for the comment Jessica – I appreciate it!