5 Things We All Think When We’ve Been Ghosted

I’ve recently experienced ghosting for the first time. I thought ghosting was exclusively reserved for casual hookups or people in their early twenties, but it turns out that some people think it’s ok to ghost in their mid to late thirties.

It makes me quite sad that we’re communicating in a destructive and emotionally irresponsible way. Whatever happened to just saying “I’m not that into you” or “I’m not ready for a relationship right now”? Surely, that’s the kinder approach?

Ghosting is when someone you’re dating or in a relationship with vanishes from your life or cuts off all forms of communication without an explanation or warning. It is the cruellest form of stonewalling or the silent treatment.

Or call it what it is; it is the cruellest rejection possible.

Photo by Tandem X Visuals on Unsplash

It was the first time I’ve been ghosted, so it threw me for a loop. How could someone with whom I had gone on really good, fun dates that lasted nearly four hours each be so cruel? Especially as we had another date lined up for the following weekend. And our messages were flirty and fun, and we were open about how much we enjoyed our dates.

I was ghosted without any warning, no explanation and as far as I could see, no reason. It was so out of the blue.

Now that I look back at it, I can see that I was ghosted because of his inability to handle a tough conversation. Maybe because I am so terrifying, or maybe because he is afraid of any form of confrontation.

Either way, it doesn’t matter why he ghosted me, it is not about me. It’s about his lack of compassion towards another person and inability to have a conversation.

What I did notice is that ghosting triggers us to create stories about our ghost as a coping mechanism. Our minds make up some logical and illogical stories to help us get through the pain of being rejected or, in this case, ghosted. We try to explain why they’re suddenly non-responsive and worst-case scenarios for why they can’t get in touch.

Here are the main stories that I thought of while wondering where my ghost was. If you’ve been ghosted, some of these thoughts may sound familiar.

1.Has their phone given up the ghost? Or did they lose it?

Photo by Laura Rivera on Unsplash

I knew he had a crappy phone on the verge of dying, so it seemed pretty logical that his phone may have died. We’re both in our mid-thirties; I know if my phone died, I’d have a replacement phone within a day or two. And I feel he would be the same; we both are pretty reliant on our phones.

And even if his phone was gone, we’re all so easy to find online, thanks to social media. A quick Google search with a few details, and he would have found me easily. Even without a phone, he could’ve gotten in touch.

So that ruled out the phone as a possible reason for his disappearance. (But I clung to this one the most)

2. Did something happen with his family?

I don’t like wishing bad luck on someone, so I didn’t want to dwell on this one. But I did entertain the idea that maybe he was non-responsive because of a family emergency, a bereavement or a tragedy, and he wasn’t in the headspace to message, which is fair enough. But, most people would let you know that they need space to deal with what is going on in their life. And I really didn’t want him to be dealing with a tragedy.

3. Is he laid up in a ditch somewhere?

Again, I did not want to wish evil on the poor fella, but I did worry that he had been injured or in an accident. And I had to fight the urge to check the obituaries, Google motorbike accidents, or call every hospital between here and Dublin.

So there was no way of knowing, but I hoped he was ok.

4. Is he back with their ex?

OR — does he have a partner? This one seemed like a more plausible story. They could’ve been on a break and gotten back together, or they could’ve seen each other for the first time in months and wanted to give it another go. Either way, a quick message to say I’m getting back with the ex would’ve done the job.

On our dates, we talked about anything and everything. But never past relationships, and often that is a good sign that no residual ex-feelings are rolling over into our romance’s early days.

5. What did I do wrong?

Anyone who has been ghosted has been here. What did I do that was so bad that they cut off all communication without any warning? Did I say something? Were we going too slow? Was I too tactile? I cycled through all the possibilities of what I could’ve done differently, but I came up empty. The truth is our dates were really good; we seemed to like each other. There seemed to be chemistry. We had another date coming up. And yet he disappeared.

Photo by Michael Kucharski on Unsplash

Ghosting someone is not an acceptable way to break off a relationship or a potential relationship. It can damage the other person’s emotional well-being, self-esteem and mental health.

While I’ve done a lot of work on myself not to take other people’s shitty behaviour too personally, it did hurt. And for about a week, I was distracted by their non-responsiveness. And I was genuinely upset that someone who seemed so kind, fun and caring could be so cruel.

If you’ve been ghosted, know that it is not about you. It’s about their inability to have a conversation that may make them emotionally uncomfortable and a lack of empathy and maturity. You’ve done nothing wrong.

And if you’re ghosting people. Grow up. Learn to communicate. Stop being cruel.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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