5 Things You Didn’t Know Were Emotional Abuse

There are two significant truths about emotional abuse: number one, it’s (unfortunately) widespread. And number two, it’s continuously misunderstood.

When most people think of abuse, they think of things like hitting, pushing, teasing. Most of these things fall under the umbrella of physical or verbal abuse. But emotional abuse — also known as psychological abuse — is a thing, too. And we, as a society, don’t pay enough attention to it.

I confess, for many years in my childhood and even my first year into adulthood, I had a very poor understanding of emotional abuse, too. Every time someone talked about it, I’d think, Isn’t that just the same as verbal abuse? No. It’s definitely not, so let’s talk about it.

Psychology Today defines emotional abuse as “a pattern of behavior in which the perpetrator insults, humiliates, and generally instills fear in an individual in order to control them.” So can it involve verbal abuse and spoken insults? Of course. But it can also be so much deeper and more complex.

Read on to find some examples of how this abuse can manifest — even in ways we might not consider to be outright abusive.

1. The silent treatment

The silent treatment has long been used as a way to take out anger on people who we believe have wronged us, or to get someone to feel guilty during a fight or argument. It’s an extremely common tactic. But the little-known fact about it? It’s actually emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse can come in many forms, including the withholding of affection, attention, or connection. The silent treatment does all of these. It forces the victim to settle for not receiving anything — not even a mere conversation — from the other person. It is a form of manipulation and causes people to become desperate when they feel abandoned and left in the dark. It’s a sickening way to get someone to feel guilty or bend their will, and it needs to stop.

2. Repeated, unwelcome jokes or teasing

It’s normal for people in relationships to have healthy, playful banter. It’s normal for people to joke around with each other and poke fun over stupid things. But have we normalized this too much? Have we neglected to draw attention to the fact that this can easily spiral into emotional abuse if one party is bothered by the jokes and they continue to happen?

I once read a story on Reddit about a woman whose husband would make jokes to her, daily, about how bad she smelled and how it made him not want to ever kiss her or give her affection. She was deeply bothered by this, but tried to make excuses for him nonetheless. Thankfully, the comments were clear: this was emotional abuse, and she deserved better.

If you have a similar situation — even if the joke is different — please understand that it’s not okay. If you don’t find a joke funny and your partner (or someone else in your life) continues to bother you with it, despite repeated attempts to tell them to stop, this is abuse. They are out of line.

3. Public (or private) shaming

I know people whose partners have shamed them in public to get them to do something. I know people whose partners have said, for example, “Ugh, Rachel clearly doesn’t know how to clean up after herself,” while they have company over, even if “Rachel” is not the one creating the mess but rather the one who refuses to pick up after someone else.

Shaming — especially in public, and especially if it isn’t even that person’s fault — is a form of emotional abuse. Shaming makes people feel unnecessarily guilty or self-conscious. It causes them to bring their confidence and ability into question. In a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t feel judged all the time; you shouldn’t feel like you have to “make the mark.” And you certainly shouldn’t feel like any mistakes you make will be paid for later.

People aren’t perfect; mistakes get made. Relationships aren’t well-oiled machines; they take work. If your partner chooses to shame you for stuff rather than confronting you about it directly (in a mature way, of course) ditch them.

4. Gaslighting

Gaslighting takes many forms. It can come in the form of a partner completely negating your reality after you tell them the story of a chilling encounter you had with a creepy coworker. It can come in the form of a partner refusing to admit to something like cheating, despite being confronted with evidence. It can come in the form of purposeful manipulation and then denial about ever doing such a thing.

Gaslighting is abuse, full stop. If your partner is causing you to question your whole reality or debate your sanity, especially when you know in your heart that you know the truth, that’s not okay. Relationships should be safe and comfortable; they should not cause us to second-guess every little thing or feel as if we’re being shot down at every turn.

5. Disregarding boundaries or invading privacy

Boundaries have a solid place in relationships, and in life. People tend to be certain and firm about their boundaries. One boundary might be someone declaring that they don’t want to talk about a certain topic, for example. Then their partner might force them to. They may emotionally “corner” them by bringing up the topic in public or around others when the other person has no way out and is forced to then face it again.

This kind of disregard for boundaries, whether it’s something fairly mild like this or whether it’s a far bigger boundary being violated, is unacceptable. Boundaries are boundaries.

Along the same lines, invasion of privacy is also just as unacceptable. Privacy itself is a boundary. If your partner is engaging in privacy-invading behaviors like constantly checking your location, reading your texts, monitoring your online activity, or refusing to let you make your own decisions or hang out alone or with friends, something’s not right. This is abusive behavior, period.

If you recognize these behaviors (and most of us probably do), it’s important to call out these behaviors when we see them — if it’s safe, of course. If you witness this happening to someone else, offer them your support. Ask them if they’re okay. Stick up for them, if it’s appropriate.

And if this is happening to you, also call out these behaviors as wrong — if you can safely do so. Not everyone can do this, as many forms of abuse can co-occur and create dangerous spaces; but if you can, and if you have the energy and are comfortable doing so, call it as you see it.

The thing to remember is that emotional abuse is often a learned behavior. We’re taught to do this by other people in our lives who love us and it becomes a part of how we interact with others later in life, even if we don’t realize it is bad or abusive. This doesn’t make it any less acceptable. However, it does offer some hope to have a conversation with people perpetuating these behaviors. Perhaps, if they can understand how harmful it is and how plainly you are able to see it, and if they truly do love you, they can change their ways.

In any case, do what is right for you. Leave these toxic people if it’s appropriate. But if you truly feel that it’s a learned behavior and not entirely malicious, it’s understandable not to run just yet; just make sure not to internalize it. It’s still not okay. And if your partner continues to engage in these behaviors with no regard for your hurt, you deserve way, way better.

Relationships take work, yes. But there is a line between work, patience, and abuse. If you know someone towing that line, I hope that you are able to either talk to them about it and see some real change, or that you are able to one day escape and heal, with the support that you need.

Everyone deserves to feel safe and loved. No one should be manipulated, or made to feel guilty. No one should question their sanity or sense of self. No one should be made to feel as if they’re being tested every time they’re around their partner. Love should be freeing and comfortable.

I hope you all find that someday. It’s what we all deserve.

—

This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

You Said ‘Race’, but Are You Actually Talking About Race?

Understanding the Nonbinary: Are You Confusing Gender With Sex?

The Difference Between Compassion for Those With Disabilities & Ableism?

‘Masculinity’ Is Having an Identity Crisis

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock