Nate Bagley knows breakups suck… so he sought out the best advice he could find on how to heal and move on.
So, naturally, last week The Loveumentary hosted Vienna Pharaon LMFT for a webinar on how to move forward after a breakup.
Endings can be horribly painful. They require us to let go of a significant part of our identity – being a partner. We have to give up the future we have been creating in our heads for years, or even decades, with the one we love. And we have to give up the person we love… our friend, our confidant, our lover, our partner.
The pain can go very deep. But the saying “Time heals all wounds.” may be incorrect. It’s not necessarily time that heals wounds, but time well spent.
Here are 5 tips from Vienna to help you get past a breakup.
1. LET YOURSELF FEEL.
Cry. Hurt. Cry some more…you’re not human if you don’t.
It hurts because it mattered. Remember that, and be gentle with yourself
Pain can be good! It doesn’t feel good, but it is healing.
Use your pain to learn about what you’re experiencing. What information does the pain tell you?
2. TALK ABOUT IT.
Share your story with friends, family… or your therapist. Talk it through over and over again.
Recognize how you feel today. Maybe it’s the same as yesterday… maybe it’s a little different. Regardless, keep talking about it and sharing how you feel. Processing it is necessary.
Sometimes we have to say the same things 13 times to really feel heard and understood.
3. STAY BUSY…NOT AVOIDANT.
Don’t just do things to fill your time. Do the things you love to do because YOU LOVE TO DO THEM.
Developing important parts of your identity during this time is crucial. A big part of your identity just got wiped (being a partner) so it’s critical that your other roles are intact.
You may not be a partner anymore, but you are still the rest of yourself. Do not let those parts go
4. EXERCISE. EVERY. DAY.
When you work out you’re not just doing a great thing for your body, you’re also cleaning your mind.
When a relationship ends, we’re generally pretty emotionally flooded…that means the emotions can take over, often times leaving us feeling like we’re drowning. When we work out, we release endorphins, serotonin, dopamine! These chemicals boost our mood and decrease the pain we feel – both physical and emotional.
Exercise helps us think about what’s happened from a clearer space.
5. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU.
You may not be feeling particularly lovable after an emotional breakup. The personal narrative of “Am I Lovable” gets questioned… so being around people who remind you that you are loved and cared about is necessary.
As you begin to do these things, you begin to learn how to exist without your person. You’re relearning how to live your days.
Slowly you will arrive.
Originally appeared at The Loveumentary
Photo: Flickr/Artem Popov