Steven Cessario shares how parents can help their sons become more social and break out of his comfort zone.
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“Why don’t you talk? You’re so weird!”
Shyness is misinterpreted by society. A teen who is shy is sometimes perceived as weird, rude, dumb, odd, has an issue, has autism, has no friends, and on and on and on ……
These are real things people say or think. But most of the time the opposite is actually true.
Some teen boys might say, “I just do not know what to say most of the time. If I talk to someone I feel like I will say the wrong thing and embarrass myself. It’s better not to say anything at all.”
Some parents think “he’ll grow out of it.” However, without taking active steps and seeking help, this kind of social phobia can be limit a teenage boy.
The Problem
Our society favors bold and expressive kids, while shy kids are perceived negatively.
The Good News
Parents can offer lots of support and help by using different strategies.
Recognizing Shyness
Shy kids are easy to recognize in class and in social groups. Although they appear to be quiet and calm, they are anxious because of fear, embarrassment or insecurity when around people. In social events, a shy teen wants sometimes wants to shrink or escape. When circumstances force him to stay with the group, he can feel tormented by worries that he is being judged.
The Biology of Shyness
According to Lynne Henderson, Ph.D., and Philip Zimbardo, Ph.D., founders of the Shyness Institute in Palo Alto, Calif., physical signs of shyness might be:
- Blushing
- Cold sweat in the palms
- Palpitations and accelerated heart rate
- Dry mouth
- Speech dysfluencies: lisping, stuttering, truncation and confused talk, usually in a low voice
- Restlessness, nervousness and fidgeting whenever someone is trying to make contact
- Feeling faint or dizzy, butterflies in the stomach or nausea
These unmanageable and embarrassing symptoms worsen the situation, causing the child more embarrassment.
How to Help: 5 Easy Tips
Parents can be supportive by being aware of how he feels and showing empathy for his stress.
- A very common mistake is to call your kid “shy.” This will eventually push him to fit the label.
- Being pushy and pressing him to go out with friends is another mistake. This will create unease, insecurity and anxiety.
- Patience, listening and gentle encouragement are useful when approaching a shy child.
- Explain to your teenage son social skills takes time to develop and practice. The more he does it the more confident he will feel.
- Bernardo Carducci, Ph.D., director of the Shyness Research Center at Indiana University and the author of the book Shyness: A Bold New Approach (Perennial Press, April 2000) advises taking the following strategies:
- Teach your kid to take it one step at a time. Spur him to start with small parties or events that include only two to three participants. If this is too much for his current ability, he can start meeting privately with class members that he perceives as less threatening.
- Always assure him that taking emotional risks is necessary to gaining social skills and freeing himself from the limiting shyness. However, never push him to do things or activities that he perceives as unendurable.
- Shy teens tend to drink a lot at parties. Relying on alcohol is their way to decrease shyness. It may relax their social inhibitions, but alcohol treats the symptom rather than the cause. Clarify this point for your shy kid.
- Direct your child’s attention to his body language. Subliminal cues like voice volume, gait and posture convey a strong message to his environment. Show him how to talk more slowly and loudly, to lift his chest, to pull his shoulders down and back and to walk slower in order to convey a message of confidence.
- Shy teens have excellent imaginations. Advise your teen to use this mind power to envision positive scenarios. If he is about to ask a girl for a date, encourage him to visualize the meeting as a success.
- Small talk is a great tool to lessen shyness. Embolden your child to talk to anyone he meets in daily life: the postman, the cab driver or the patient sitting next to him in the clinic.
Photo: lum1neuz/Flickr
Originally appeared at TeenageSons.com
Very interesting Fellow GQ. To me it’s harder to understand my son as I have never been intorvert, I’m the opposite. Probably that has influenced him in a negative way. He’s 16 now and once he said he’d like to be a journalist (now he says he’d prefer to go for IT Engineering) . To read about you being a writer and it being good to make you interact with other people, probably it might be good to encourage him to do something related to journalism before college to take him a little bit out of himself.
Here’s what I take issue with. You state the following:
“The Problem
Our society favors bold and expressive kids, while shy kids are perceived negatively.”
and then proceed to reinforce the negative perception by giving suggestions on how to turn shy kids into “bold and expressive kids”, as if being bold and expressive is the best way to be.
I am an introvert. I have despised the term “shy” for my entire life. To me, “shy” means “you’re not like everyone else”. To me, “shy” is a term of shame and pity.
Most “shy” kids are introverts, and introverts have many special and unique talents. It’s much better to work with each child’s own personality versus trying to mold him or her into something he or she will never be.
Gosh, that strikes a chord. My son is 11 but I can this is where he is probably going. And it’s where I went – and some days can feel like that now. But a lot of it is down to self-absorption, and if you can get him out of his head and into another situation he can stop thinking about himself so much. As a writer I had to interview a lot of hotshot people and the best bit for me was having to get into their minds to understand them and connect, at which point I forgot about… Read more »
Your problem statement includes introverts (about 50% of the population), who are not “shy” nor socially anxious, but also not bold or verbally expressive.