Let’s make the “male spaces” feminist already.
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Men, we need to dismantle the Man Cave.
Of course, all people need spaces where they’re allowed to be as messy, noisy, or as emotionally vulnerable as they need. Everyone should be allowed those spaces and men should have places and ample opportunities to bond with one another.
However, the private spaces men create and maintain for themselves often breed toxicity. “Man Cave”—supposedly the secluded spot in a home where a man creates his ideal masculine environment—has become a euphemism for “a place where me and my friends can say awful misogynistic stuff without my wife, girlfriend, or mom scolding me about it.” That’s kind of gross.
So how can you make this or any male space feminist? It begins with letting go of the idea that this sort of male space is necessary in the first place and moving on from the idea that any interest, activity, or kitschy sports-themed home décor is inherently male.
That said, no one and nothing can be perfect. It’s about doing your best. Then examine what you did. Then do better.
The first step is to change the language you use to talk about your male space.
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Rename the Man Cave
Guys, is it really necessary to call it a “Man Cave”? Would calling it something else take away any of the pleasure of enjoying the space? It really shouldn’t.
Stop calling it a “Man Cave.” Aside from the fact that it’s basically the same as this:
(which is embarrassingly childish), calling it a “Man Cave” advertises to all women that they are unwelcome in the most important areas of your life.
Best case, it tells women you don’t like being around them. Worst case, it’s a threat and an admission that the way you privately think and talk about women is so terrible, you need to hide it from them or else they’d cut all ties to you as a human being. Even if that isn’t the case, it’s probably what it feels like to the women around you every time you say the words “Man Cave.”
Instead, start calling it the “Mess Room,” the “Poker Lounge,” or the “Home Theater.” Maybe just drop “man” and call it the “Cave.” If you’re a decent person and the function of the place really isn’t to keep all women away, then give it a name that reflects what it’s really for.
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Rebrand the Cave
If you now have a Mess Room, is the faded Bud Light poster from 1995 of Pamela Anderson in a bikini doing anything to maintain the space as a safe place to make messes? No. That’s for a Man Cave, not a Mess Room.
Get rid of all the things that are essentially “boys only” signs. Lose the objectifying posters and ask the woman behind the counter at the video game shop if she’ll give you that huge standee of Samus Aran when they’re done with it. After all, it would look pretty awesome next to your video game shelf.
Whatever it is you’re going to do in your Cave, fill it with stuff that makes those things easier or more fun to do.
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Restructure the Cave
Break out of a binary, gendered pattern of thinking. “All guys are into this” and “women are only into that” is Man Cave thinking. Now that you’ve got a Cave, invite people inside based on the activities you want to enjoy—and make every effort to invite more women!
Your brother who steps in front of the TV, interrupting a football game to vacuum cookie crumbs doesn’t belong at Football Sunday just because he’s a guy. Invite a woman who is pumped for football.
Ultimately, who is allowed in the Cave should be based on what they’re interested in, the type of environment comfortable with, and what you intend to do there.
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Restrict the Cave
Normally I’m all about inclusion. This is the exception to that rule.
No space can be completely safe for all people at all times, but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate people who make it uncomfortable for others. Some people will try to turn the Cave back into a Man Cave. It’s important not to let them.
Maybe you’ve got a cousin who never stops arguing that she should be the only girl allowed there, because she’s “basically a guy.” Man Cave thinking is so prevalent—it’s the status quo—too many of your other guests may uncomfortably smile, nod, and play along while she harasses the women there.
Pull her aside, talk, and give her the chance to participate as intended. If she can’t figure it out, stop welcoming her. Hang out at other times in other places, but protect your Cave for what it is, not what she wants it to be.
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Resist Other Man Caves
You shouldn’t go to other people’s homes and dictate how they use that musty, half-finished room in their basement (you’re a participant—a guest, not a host), but there is still plenty you can do to improve that Cave.
(These tips may look familiar …)
First, don’t call it a “Man Cave” even if your host does. Call it the “Cave,” or “Football Sunday” rather than “Guys Night.” Whatever you do, don’t sign your name to the “Boys Only” sign.
Next, you can’t go around ripping posters off of other people’s walls, but you can start a conversation about how the wall space could be better used—a shelf for movies, a dart board, or even just a more interesting poster. Maybe even give him that new poster as a gift.
Always encourage the host to invite mutual female friends. Ask if your girlfriend can come, because she’s a beast at this one tabletop game you’re all struggling with. Find opportunities to subtlety point out there’s no good reason women aren’t there.
Finally, don’t play into the Man Cave mentality of the group and call others out on it. Sure, communicate in the language of that group—joke around, make fun of the guys who say problematic stuff for being stuck in a backward, 1940s mentality—but call them out. And yeah, eventually, if things don’t change, consider looking for a new group to hang out with.
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The Man Cave, Dismantled…
No matter what MRA would have you believe, male spaces—either de facto or by design—remain prolific. From professional sports to Uncle Matt’s basement, spaces where women are unwelcome, or worse, unsafe are far too common.
It’s absolutely irrational and we all need to do better. Of course, you could apply all five points above to your Cave and still end up hanging out only with men, watching Die Hard (or some other movie that fits masculine stereotypes).
It’s okay. It’s fine to enjoy Bruce Willis movies with your bros. The point is, you’re doing better and you’ve still made your male space much more feminist. Again, it’s about doing your best.
You may have noticed, but in making a traditionally male space feminist, it’s not really a male space anymore—at least not in the sense that it’s for men only. That’s kind of the point.
Now go do your best. Then do better.
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Photo: Graham Hills
Man cave was a derogatory name, coined by feminists with rolling eyes, when the first dedicated spaces came along on HGTV. Men never needed a name for their spacespace, nor would have even thought of that by gender. They might have called it simply their cave, if that, but never a man cave. Men do need their own space, and with other men. Look at the ads for guys getting together in his living room for a game. Their time, their space. But if a wife is there she rolls her eyes at the mess they make in Her living… Read more »
At this point, you might as well shift all activities to the living room, and then banish the small children to their new bonus-cave. On a more serious note, I’m trying (and failing) to understand why man-caves are sufficiently detrimental to gender parity that they warrant dismantling, but other gendered spaces / events do not: – “The Crafting Room” – Ok, so my cousin’s wife’s personal space is more innocuously named than his “man-cave”. Is that where the differences end? Well… yes, actually it is. Aside – Baby Showers: I wouldn’t be surprised if this differed elsewhere, but in every… Read more »
The rebranding of a room you description is not a “man care” much less anything to do with a “man” What you described was an adolescent boys bedroom. Restructure “gendered pattern of thinking. “All guys are into this” and “women are only into that” The spaces men have nothing to do with “gender” but simply that which men have an interest. A car buff would have items related to muscle cars, classic cars. An outdoorsman would have things that reflect hunting and fishing. A guy who is into sports, memorabilia, photo’s of favorite teams, perhaps a Greenbay Packer stadium blanket.… Read more »
So men should have no space in the house they pay for. Nice
Like everyone else who commented, I was kinda, sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop – like it had been written by Paul Elam as a parody of feminism. But of course, it’s been a LONG TIME – the Tom But sadly – or hilariously – depending on your POV – it’s not satire at all. It is the logical endgame for what feminism has become – and perhaps always was. Remember this video? Goddam prophetic! But WHO KNEW? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fvTxv46ano So next time you see some sweet, innocuous celeb speaking in front of the UN about how everyone should… Read more »
“Let’s make the male places feminist already”
Let’s not and say we did. Every place on earth does not need to be a “safe space” for women.
“So how can you make this or any male space feminist?” You don’t. “Best case, it tells women you don’t like being around them. Worst case, it’s a threat and an admission that the way you privately think and talk about women is so terrible, you need to hide it from them or else they’d cut all ties to you as a human being. Even if that isn’t the case, it’s probably what it feels like to the women around you every time you say the words “Man Cave.”” It’s a place where a man can go away without having… Read more »
I would humbly suggest that if the author’s experience is that “man cave” has become a euphemism for misogyny, and has the characteristics described, it says a lot more about the quality of the company he chooses than it does about men in general.
You should change the man cave so women feel safe, but maybe men don’t? It’s not that you’re unsafe. You just have to watch what you say. Sensor what you do. If you like looking at attractive women, forget it.
“Of course, all people need spaces where they’re allowed to be as messy, noisy, or as emotionally vulnerable as they need. Everyone should be allowed those spaces and men should have places and ample opportunities to bond with one another. ”
You started out OK them spent the rest of your article saying this isn’t true. Dude, really?
However, the private spaces men create and maintain for themselves often breed toxicity. “Man Cave”—supposedly the secluded spot in a home where a man creates his ideal masculine environment—has become a euphemism for “a place where me and my friends can say awful misogynistic stuff without my wife, girlfriend, or mom scolding me about it.” That’s kind of gross. I know this is almost cliche but I have to say it. Citation needed. This article declares mens spaces to be hives of misogyny with 0 backing other than taking a jab at MRAs at the end. It must be a… Read more »
This article parodies itself…
I was waiting for the satire but it just never showed up. So the man cave needs to be fixed, and everyone needs their space. Except men who when given their own space turn toxic. How about we just wait for the soon-to-be here science that will quietly eliminate the whole male gender. I’m sure it will be something tasty, gender specific, and easily placed into the food supply. Oh, I get it. Hence the primary reason we need more women in STEM. Clever girls…(Note the cool reference to the Jurassic Park series where smart, independent, STEM, feminist women totally… Read more »
@ PursuitAce
“I know a single guy whose whole house is a man cave.f”
There’s the problem right there. Doesn’t he realize that his purpose in life is to ensure the happiness and prosperity of women? Why hasn’t he given his house to some deserving woman already or even an undeserving one? They’d be more deserving than he in any rate. I’m certain a nice card board box in a spacious ally would be enough for him. Now you need to do as the OP states and correct your friend.
Good grief. Now the man cave is unsafe for women? I can’t even get my head around the foolishness of that statement. Where in goodness did you hear that?Is it the newly fabricated feminist assumption that “the most dangerous place for a woman is in her own home, with a husband” agenda? Do you know why it is called a “man cave?” Do you know who named it? I’d suggest reading up on the topic. I’d suggest studying the dynamic of gender inclusion of male and female associations. I’d suggest reading up on the, John Forester case that turned back… Read more »
I’m still wrapping my head around this one … too late at night so I’m going to wait until the morning when I’m clear headed.
Sounds like he’s vying to replace Hugo Schwyzer…….Same throw all the men under the bus who aren’t enlightened like me, attitude.
Oh yeah, I remember Hugo ….
Not going to help, Tom.
Can’t unravel FUBAR, even on a full stomach and a good nights sleep!